I have good news and I have bad news (even worse than the news that the weather washed out the Guy Fawkes bonfire party that I was scheduled to attend yesterday evening). But first, the good news. We have Mr Kipling's "exceedingly good" mince pies in stock. We only managed to obtain five cases and when they are gone ... well there's always next Christmas.
And now the bad news: it is illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas Day! Yes there is a law in England to that effect. The law was enacted by the fun-loving Lord Protector of the Commonwealth, Oliver Cromwell, in the 17th Century and it remains on the statute book to this day. I am sure my Scottish customers will scoff and remind us that the law applies only to the English. Well beware, my Scottish friends, there is another ancient statute in England that might stifle your mirth. It is legal to kill a Scotsman within the walls of the City of York if he is found carrying a bow and arrow (as he would, of course, if he were obeying the law that requires able-bodied men over the age of 21 to perform an hour of longbow practice every morning).
Do you want to complain about all this? Send your MP a letter but, if the stamp has a picture of the Queen on it, make sure you stick it on the envelope the right way up. You can be charged with treason for inverting an image of the monarch.
Oh, I never have enough appetite to eat mince pies after all that turkey on Christmas Day anyway!
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