What a weak lot we are. Why is it that the top five are all in the category of confectionery? Yes, we all eat very sensibly in January after our new year's resolutions, but by December we are scoffing choccies and candies again as fast as we can get them. Anyway, here is your choice of the premier league of imported British comestibles.5. Walkers Andy Pack Original Toffee
Time was when we carried multiple flavours of Walker's toffees. Customers soon taught us which ones they liked and which ones they could take or leave. Take young Malcolm, for instance; a sprightly 91 years old and a regular visitor to Blighty's. Malcolm has spent almost a hundred years deciding what he likes - you can't argue with that kind of experience! And Malcolm chooses Walker's Original Toffee. The familiar "Andy Packs" are those blocks of 10 chunks of chewy toffee. Before you open the pack you have to smash it down on a hard surface to separate the chunks. Next step; pop one in your gob and start to chew. Hard work at first isn't it? Don't worry; a little mandibular exercise soon softens the toffee and releases its flood of flavour. We also carry Walker's Treacle, Liquorice and Brazil Nut flavoured toffees - but they don't distract young Malcolm from his long considered choice.
4. Cadbury Dairy Milk Chocolate Buttons
I have tried telling customers: "this is the most expensive way of buying Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate". They don't listen. But it's true. If you emptied the little bag of Cadbury Buttons and melted the contents into a single tiny block of chocolate you would be crying out for me to be hanged as a highwayman. So what is it about those little nickel-sized bites of nectar from Birmingham? I honestly don't know, but Blighty's customers buy hundreds of bags every month. We have them in white chocolate too.
3. Cadbury Dairy Milk Chocolate
The redline on my neck rose up to my cheeks then steam burst out of my ears. A customer's child had requested a bar of delicious Great British Cadbury Dairy Milk Chocolate. His parent refused then uttered the words that pulled the trigger on my internal thermonuclear detonator: "no, you can get that anywhere". "Aaaarrrrgggh!" I thought to myself; "Visigoth, devil worshipper, Onanist ... Ignoramus!". Yes, you can buy a product called Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate - "anywhere". Yes you can get water anywhere too. You can get it from a pristine mountain stream or the middle of the Atlantic Ocean - it's all just water isn't it?
Canada Food Inspection Agency has a strict definition for what constitutes "chocolate" and the stuff made in the place where it was invented - by the company that invented it - doesn't cut the mustard. Only God and their mothers love Canadian Government bureaucrats. I am supposed to re-label Great British Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate as "chocolatey-flavoured candy". Frankly I would sooner have that description tattooed on my bum than sully the appearance of the real, the one and only Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate. The devil shall have his due though. Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate made in Canada contains a genetically modified emulsifier which, under present rules and regulations, make it a toxic and illegal product anywhere in Europe.
Genetic modification really does apply only to Canadian made chockers. I'll admit I had my doubts. I have often harboured the belief that Blighty's British chocolate grew legs and ran out of the store because it disappears so fast. It is number three on Blighty's customers' favourites list.
2. Fry's Turkish Delight
Turkish Delight is the oldest confectionery in the world. I like to joke with customers that it was first made over 3000 years ago so I regret it is now well past it's "best before" date. Turkish Delight is essentially sugary gelatin flavoured with rose water. Fry's Turkish Delight is a big chunk of the stuff covered in chocolate. It sells like hot meat pies at halftime on a rainy Saturday afternoon at any soccer stadium in the north of England. One of my regulars, who like me has type 2 diabetes, claims that eating Fry's Turkish Delight helps him regulate his blood sugar. Sure it does; one bar of Fry's Turkish Delight and his blood sugar hits the high life, but he controlled its ascent! The same customer also believes his aging aircraft carrier size car is economical on gas. Oh help me Lord, I want to believe.
Tomorrow, Blighty's customer panel's curvaceous number ONE!
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