Slay the Orangeville Hydra!

In Greek mythology, the Lernaean Hydra was a serpent-like beast with many heads renowned for its "poisonous breath so virulent even her tracks were deadly". It was killed by the Greek hero Heracles. Well, guess what? The Hydra is back - not in Greece but here in Orangeville.

The Lernaean Hydra is now Orangeville Hydra and is responsible (or might I say irresponsible) for delivering electricity to the unfortunate citizens around these parts. I received a letter from the Hydra today; here is what it said:

The monster with "breath so virulent even its tracks are deadly" admits it made a billing error two years ago. Now it thinks it can dun all its customers to cover up its own incompetence. Well I have put on my Heracles suit and I am ready to slay the ugly beast. Here is the text of the letter I sent to the Orangeville Hydra challenging it to battle:

Dear “Customer Service Representative”:

I received your letter, dated 13^th June, today (4^th July) regarding your billing error from 2 years ago. I was flabbergasted. After having the misfortune of being forced to deal with Orangeville Hydro for some time now, I had already drawn the conclusion that you treat your customers with the utmost contempt. To that I can now add that you are incompetent and irrepressibly arrogant.

Your photocopied letter does not identify its sender by name and uses the wrong postal code. I tried researching your website to find the name of the head of your organization – no luck. It seems that an organization of imbeciles understandably wishes to remain anonymous.

Now, to address the substance of your pitiful letter. You seek to make your customers pay for your unbelievable incompetence of 2 years ago. Good luck. I will not be underwriting your stupidity with any degree of enthusiasm whatsoever.

The period for which you seek re-imbursement is so far back in history that it falls in a fiscal year which has been closed, audited and filed with Canada Revenue Service. For me to re-open the books for that period will cost me a small fortune in bookkeeping and accounting fees.

If you are willing to underwrite that expense as a deduction from my account I will look more favourably on your otherwise unreasonable demand. Failing which I would advise you to prepare for a long and difficult battle for re-imbursement of the amount you are claiming.

Meanwhile I will take some delight in widely publishing details of your incompetence and the arrogant manner in which you seek to cover it up. I will make it my project to ensure the name “Orangeville Hydro” is a synonym for incompetence, arrogance and customer unfriendliness.

Sincerely,

Once more unto the breach dear friends, or close the walls up with our English dead!