What a Bummer!

The Great British Bum is getting greater according to a British tabloid. In fact the average beefy British bloke's bum blubber is so bulky it is breaking toilet seats.

But, just in time, the Excited States of Um...Erica has come to the rescue. Americans, apparently, are well acquainted with the problem of portly posteriors putting pressure on the porcelain and have engineered an elegant solution. They call it the "Big John".

The Big John is an oversize toilet seat capable of supporting the rumps of the ravenously rapacious. Unfastidious fans of fatty, fast foods who tip the Toledo at up to 840lbs can now mount the thunderbox in safety and comfort.

Is Phone Hacking Really So Bad?

The whole of the United Queendom seems to be worked up into a lather over the News of the World phone-hacking scandal. Without meaning any disrespect to the victims, it all sounds like a jolly big cyclone in a teapot.

The whole country is falling apart but members of parliament are frothing at the mouth with uncontrolled rage over the underhand tactics of a handful of journalists. Could it be that this is just the issue they needed to distract public attention away from their own impropriety in the parliamentary expenses scandal?

And is the British public really so embroiled over the phone-hacking issue? Didn't they make the "News of the Screws" the country's best-selling rag in the first place? Where did they think the salacious information in the paper came from anyway?

But the big

question is:

Is phone-hacking really so bad? 

Yes?

Are you sure?

Well consider this; the BBC reported this week on Taliban outrage over the US hacking into Taliban phones and sending false messages to confuse the enemy in Afghanistan. Whoa! They'll be threatening them with guns next.

Rebekah Brooks Out for a Duck

News Corp CEO in Deep Trouble

Once again Blighty's Blog is on the cutting edge of breaking news from the United Queendom. Our crack team of New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-on-Tyne) based journalists were at the forefront of the action when disgraced News Corp CEO Rebekah Brooks fell into the hands of an angry London mob today.

Two of our correspondents were on the scene when Rebekah Brooks was taken by the mob and ducked into the Thames. Our exclusive pictures tell the story. Correspondent Ben Bigg in Westminster working with his counterpart on the south bank, Surree M. Bankment, shot these pictures as the action unfolded. "She just couldn't hack it" reported a Blighty's Blog editorial staffer who was a member of the Ducking Committee.

Rupert Murdoch to Visit USA
News is also pouring into Blighty's Blog's global HQ about an impending trip by News Corp head honcho, Rupert Murdoch to the Excited States of America. Interviewed by phone on Saturday, spokesman Billy-Bob Swamprat - a uniformed US government employee - revealed that Rupert Murdoch has been invited to come for a fun-filled fortnight at an exclusive US government resort in Cuba.

All Expenses Paid Vacation

Murdoch will enjoy two full weeks of all-expenses paid fun featuring waterboarding and other sports as well as singing lessons. Mr Swamprat told Blighty's Blog that, by the end of the vacation, Rupert Murdoch will be "singing like a canary".

Penguins Over Canada

Annual Migration
Something exciting is going to happen this summer in Canada. Every year, around this time, the annual penguin migration from the north pole to the south pole takes place. Their route usually takes them over Iceland, past the west coast of Ireland, then over the Azores to the west coast of Africa where they rest for a few days.

Penguin Books
The migration is well known and well-documented in Britain. Visitors to any bookstore in the UK will see hundreds of penguin books on the shelves.

Sex on the Beach
After recovering from the first phase of their long journey, the penguins fly on to the Falkland Islands in the South Atlantic where they rest again before the final leg of their migratory route takes them onto the cold Antarctic peninsula where they spend the antipodean summer breeding on the beaches.

New Route Over Canada
This year, British scientists working in Bermuda expect the birds to take a more westerly route over Greenland then Canada before heading out over the Atlantic. Anyone living in eastern Canada - possibly as far west as Ontario - should watch out for the giant birds between now and the end of August.

Spread the Word
The extremely rare sight of Penguins flying over Canada is not to be missed! Tell everybody you know and share this story with your Facebook friends, then get a comfortable chair and watch the skies!

Slay the Orangeville Hydra!

In Greek mythology, the Lernaean Hydra was a serpent-like beast with many heads renowned for its "poisonous breath so virulent even her tracks were deadly". It was killed by the Greek hero Heracles. Well, guess what? The Hydra is back - not in Greece but here in Orangeville.

The Lernaean Hydra is now Orangeville Hydra and is responsible (or might I say irresponsible) for delivering electricity to the unfortunate citizens around these parts. I received a letter from the Hydra today; here is what it said:

The monster with "breath so virulent even its tracks are deadly" admits it made a billing error two years ago. Now it thinks it can dun all its customers to cover up its own incompetence. Well I have put on my Heracles suit and I am ready to slay the ugly beast. Here is the text of the letter I sent to the Orangeville Hydra challenging it to battle:

Dear “Customer Service Representative”:

I received your letter, dated 13^th June, today (4^th July) regarding your billing error from 2 years ago. I was flabbergasted. After having the misfortune of being forced to deal with Orangeville Hydro for some time now, I had already drawn the conclusion that you treat your customers with the utmost contempt. To that I can now add that you are incompetent and irrepressibly arrogant.

Your photocopied letter does not identify its sender by name and uses the wrong postal code. I tried researching your website to find the name of the head of your organization – no luck. It seems that an organization of imbeciles understandably wishes to remain anonymous.

Now, to address the substance of your pitiful letter. You seek to make your customers pay for your unbelievable incompetence of 2 years ago. Good luck. I will not be underwriting your stupidity with any degree of enthusiasm whatsoever.

The period for which you seek re-imbursement is so far back in history that it falls in a fiscal year which has been closed, audited and filed with Canada Revenue Service. For me to re-open the books for that period will cost me a small fortune in bookkeeping and accounting fees.

If you are willing to underwrite that expense as a deduction from my account I will look more favourably on your otherwise unreasonable demand. Failing which I would advise you to prepare for a long and difficult battle for re-imbursement of the amount you are claiming.

Meanwhile I will take some delight in widely publishing details of your incompetence and the arrogant manner in which you seek to cover it up. I will make it my project to ensure the name “Orangeville Hydro” is a synonym for incompetence, arrogance and customer unfriendliness.

Sincerely,

Once more unto the breach dear friends, or close the walls up with our English dead!

Prince in Plot to Change World Climate!

Prince In Secret Talks with Top Politicos

Amid whispered rumours of something called the "New Whirled Order", news has been pouring into Blighty's Blog's New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-upon-Tyne) bureau about a sinister plot involving Prince Charles. 

The British press reports the Prince has been in top secret talks with several British ministers. Now our Oslo, Finland-based environment correspondent Skep Tic has received a tip-off that Charles is involved in a fiendish plot to manipulate the world's climate.

Details are sketchy due to a thick blanketing shroud of secrecy but Blighty's Blog understands the essence of the plan is to combat global warming by planting millions of trees to soak up excess carbon dioxide.

Human Race Faces Extinction ... or Incineration

Our science correspondent Professor A. Boffin explains:

"Carbon dioxide has long been known to be an extinction level gas due to its greenhouse effect which is warming the planet, potentially making the Earth uninhabitable for future generations. But teams of top scientists are pointing to a natural process by which trees absorb carbon dioxide and release oxygen."

But the professor urges caution:

"Of course, taken too far, we may saturate the atmosphere with oxygen making it highly inflammable" he cautioned. "We have to maintain a delicate balance between global warming due to excess carbon dioxide and incineration of the human race due to spontaneous ignition of the excess atmospheric oxygen."

According to British newspaper, the Daily Telegraph:

"Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman twice discussed the issue of 'tree health' with him (Charles) while he held a one-to-one meeting with Climate Change Minister Greg Barker about global warming at a conference in Norway."

Army Mobilized

The British government is believed to be assembling several regiments of army regulars for a gargantuan tree-planting exercise in an as yet undisclosed location in Britain. Meanwhile a second army is on standby with chainsaws ... just in case ...

Comments

Major (Queen's Own; ret) W.Y.S.I.W.Y.G St-John Blackguard-Smyth IV, bart of Surrey.

Dammit, HRH wants to forge his own legacy in case he snuffs it early and leaves the throne to that young whipper-snapper of a son of his. Harrumph! B-S in Surrey.

Carl Marks (unemployed, Clapham)

Typical! The ruling classes think they own the whole flaming world. It's the workers who will suffer the most, you Marx my words! C.M. in south London.

T. Blair (P.M. ret)

Of course it was all my idea. I discussed it fully with Her Majesty while I was in Downing Street. Her Majesty suggested we give the project to Charles because, if it all went horribly wrong, she didn't want the sane members of the Royal Family to bear any blame. T.B. in Brussels.