Blighty's Blog

Snow's Stopped - Take Your Socks Off!

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 18:09:00 +0000

Dispatch from Blighty's Blog correspondent C. Lee-Sossedge in our New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-upon-Tyne) bureau:

We are having a spot of winter here in the United Queendom again this year. And, damn it, the Great British snow plough was sent up to Scotland just before Christmas and now it's in for its annual service. Won't be able to get it back down the motorway again until the end of April. Blast!

Still, never mind, the boffins have come up with a splendid idea to help motorists cope with that bloody awful white stuff. It's a new invention called "Snow Socks". Brilliantly simple really. Just pop the socks over the jolly old car tyres and Bob's your uncle - no more piggy-stuck-in-the-ditchy for you.

Here's how to do it: wrap the socks over the top of the tyres on both wheels on the drive axle, then pop back into the car and drive it forward a couple of feet then simply slip the bottoms of the socky-wockies over the rest of the tyre and bingo, you're off to the races! It's a snap, you'll have it down pat as quick as you can say "watch out uncle Willie, there's a lorry coming!"

Now, don't forget, when you get back on to a dry road you'll have to pull over and slip the socks off again. You don't want to be caught driving on a dry road with your socks on because they'll turn into shreddies very quickly if you do!

Happy motoring Britons!

** Weatherflash **
The Met Office has issued a warning to motorists throughout the British Isles. Temperatures are expected to drop to near freezing tonight as a cold front moves in from the Irish Sea. Motorists are advised to stay at home unless travel is essential. If you have to venture out onto the roads, police are advising motorists to wear a double layer of socks ... on their tyres.

Riots in London - Government Acts

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 13:46:00 +0000

In the wake of historic riots devastating London and other cities, the British government has stepped in with an iron fist to take control of law and order.

Government spokesperson Baroness Warsi, speaking in a BBC interview this morning, assured the public that the "police are in control". Millions of British people will sleep sounder in their beds tonight with that re-assurance, I am sure.

Meanwhile, prime minister David Cameron, fresh from his vacation in Italy is primed to sweep into action with a heavy hand. "We will not hesitate to recall parliament and immediately - I say immediately - form a committee to study various courses of action available to the authorities".

A spokesperson for the rioters, heard on the BBC, claimed "it's all the fault of the govinment (sic) and the rich people". Indeed, the riot spokesperson may have hit the nail on the head. If only Mr Cameron had had the cajones to form a parliamentary committee to study the situation before he went on vacation. Tsk, tsk.

Three Harrys and an H Bomb

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 21:23:00 +0000

All three Harrys in this strange tale were British. All three were famous and all three are dead. What is strange is how one of the Harrys made the other two happy Harrys by mistake.

Let us start with the first Harry. He was James Harold Wilson, Baron Wilson of Rievaulx, KG, OBE, FRS, FSS, PC, better known simply as Harold Wilson, the pipe-smoking prime minister of Britain from 1964 until 1970 and then again from 1974 until 1976.

The second was Harry H. Corbett, born in Rangoon, Burma, the son of a British army officer. Corbett earned fame as an actor for his role as Harold Steptoe in the hit TV show "Steptoe and Son". He was also a strong supporter of the British Labour Party and a friend of Labour prime minister Harold Wilson.

The third Harry of this strange tale was the very similarly named Harry Corbett, the son of a coal miner. Harry number three was deaf in one ear which halted his ambition to become a musician. However, he did achieve fame in the entertainment world as a puppeteer with his stage and TV act involving a mischievous teddy bear called "Sooty".

The first Harry, the prime minister intended to honour his friend and supporter Harry H. Corbett with an OBE (Order of the British Empire). But, due to bureaucratic bungling, the middle initial "H" was dropped from the paperwork and the honour went by mistake to Harry H-less Corbett - the puppeteer.

The error must have embarassed the prime minister and disappointed the intended recipient who was nevertheless also rewarded with an OBE in the new year's honour list of 1976.

The moral of the story is "never drop your H's".

What a Bummer!

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 19:34:00 +0000

The Great British Bum is getting greater according to a British tabloid. In fact the average beefy British bloke's bum blubber is so bulky it is breaking toilet seats.

But, just in time, the Excited States of Um...Erica has come to the rescue. Americans, apparently, are well acquainted with the problem of portly posteriors putting pressure on the porcelain and have engineered an elegant solution. They call it the "Big John".

The Big John is an oversize toilet seat capable of supporting the rumps of the ravenously rapacious. Unfastidious fans of fatty, fast foods who tip the Toledo at up to 840lbs can now mount the thunderbox in safety and comfort.

Is Phone Hacking Really So Bad?

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 21:17:00 +0000

The whole of the United Queendom seems to be worked up into a lather over the News of the World phone-hacking scandal. Without meaning any disrespect to the victims, it all sounds like a jolly big cyclone in a teapot.

The whole country is falling apart but members of parliament are frothing at the mouth with uncontrolled rage over the underhand tactics of a handful of journalists. Could it be that this is just the issue they needed to distract public attention away from their own impropriety in the parliamentary expenses scandal?

And is the British public really so embroiled over the phone-hacking issue? Didn't they make the "News of the Screws" the country's best-selling rag in the first place? Where did they think the salacious information in the paper came from anyway?

But the big

question is:

Is phone-hacking really so bad?

Yes?

Are you sure?

Well consider this; the BBC reported this week on Taliban outrage over the US hacking into Taliban phones and sending false messages to confuse the enemy in Afghanistan. Whoa! They'll be threatening them with guns next.

Rebekah Brooks Out for a Duck

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 15:19:00 +0000

News Corp CEO in Deep Trouble

Once again Blighty's Blog is on the cutting edge of breaking news from the United Queendom. Our crack team of New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-on-Tyne) based journalists were at the forefront of the action when disgraced News Corp CEO Rebekah Brooks fell into the hands of an angry London mob today.

Two of our correspondents were on the scene when Rebekah Brooks was taken by the mob and ducked into the Thames. Our exclusive pictures tell the story. Correspondent Ben Bigg in Westminster working with his counterpart on the south bank, Surree M. Bankment, shot these pictures as the action unfolded. "She just couldn't hack it" reported a Blighty's Blog editorial staffer who was a member of the Ducking Committee.

Rupert Murdoch to Visit USA
News is also pouring into Blighty's Blog's global HQ about an impending trip by News Corp head honcho, Rupert Murdoch to the Excited States of America. Interviewed by phone on Saturday, spokesman Billy-Bob Swamprat - a uniformed US government employee - revealed that Rupert Murdoch has been invited to come for a fun-filled fortnight at an exclusive US government resort in Cuba.

All Expenses Paid Vacation

Murdoch will enjoy two full weeks of all-expenses paid fun featuring waterboarding and other sports as well as singing lessons. Mr Swamprat told Blighty's Blog that, by the end of the vacation, Rupert Murdoch will be "singing like a canary".

Penguins Over Canada

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 01:51:00 +0000

Annual Migration
Something exciting is going to happen this summer in Canada. Every year, around this time, the annual penguin migration from the north pole to the south pole takes place. Their route usually takes them over Iceland, past the west coast of Ireland, then over the Azores to the west coast of Africa where they rest for a few days.

Penguin Books
The migration is well known and well-documented in Britain. Visitors to any bookstore in the UK will see hundreds of penguin books on the shelves.

Sex on the Beach
After recovering from the first phase of their long journey, the penguins fly on to the Falkland Islands in the South Atlantic where they rest again before the final leg of their migratory route takes them onto the cold Antarctic peninsula where they spend the antipodean summer breeding on the beaches.

New Route Over Canada
This year, British scientists working in Bermuda expect the birds to take a more westerly route over Greenland then Canada before heading out over the Atlantic. Anyone living in eastern Canada - possibly as far west as Ontario - should watch out for the giant birds between now and the end of August.

Spread the Word
The extremely rare sight of Penguins flying over Canada is not to be missed! Tell everybody you know and share this story with your Facebook friends, then get a comfortable chair and watch the skies!

Slay the Orangeville Hydra!

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 17:20:00 +0000

In Greek mythology, the Lernaean Hydra was a serpent-like beast with many heads renowned for its "poisonous breath so virulent even her tracks were deadly". It was killed by the Greek hero Heracles. Well, guess what? The Hydra is back - not in Greece but here in Orangeville.

The Lernaean Hydra is now Orangeville Hydra and is responsible (or might I say irresponsible) for delivering electricity to the unfortunate citizens around these parts. I received a letter from the Hydra today; here is what it said:

The monster with "breath so virulent even its tracks are deadly" admits it made a billing error two years ago. Now it thinks it can dun all its customers to cover up its own incompetence. Well I have put on my Heracles suit and I am ready to slay the ugly beast. Here is the text of the letter I sent to the Orangeville Hydra challenging it to battle:

Dear “Customer Service Representative”:

I received your letter, dated 13^th June, today (4^th July) regarding your billing error from 2 years ago. I was flabbergasted. After having the misfortune of being forced to deal with Orangeville Hydro for some time now, I had already drawn the conclusion that you treat your customers with the utmost contempt. To that I can now add that you are incompetent and irrepressibly arrogant.

Your photocopied letter does not identify its sender by name and uses the wrong postal code. I tried researching your website to find the name of the head of your organization – no luck. It seems that an organization of imbeciles understandably wishes to remain anonymous.

Now, to address the substance of your pitiful letter. You seek to make your customers pay for your unbelievable incompetence of 2 years ago. Good luck. I will not be underwriting your stupidity with any degree of enthusiasm whatsoever.

The period for which you seek re-imbursement is so far back in history that it falls in a fiscal year which has been closed, audited and filed with Canada Revenue Service. For me to re-open the books for that period will cost me a small fortune in bookkeeping and accounting fees.

If you are willing to underwrite that expense as a deduction from my account I will look more favourably on your otherwise unreasonable demand. Failing which I would advise you to prepare for a long and difficult battle for re-imbursement of the amount you are claiming.

Meanwhile I will take some delight in widely publishing details of your incompetence and the arrogant manner in which you seek to cover it up. I will make it my project to ensure the name “Orangeville Hydro” is a synonym for incompetence, arrogance and customer unfriendliness.

Sincerely,

Once more unto the breach dear friends, or close the walls up with our English dead!

Prince in Plot to Change World Climate!

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 23:16:00 +0000

Prince In Secret Talks with Top Politicos

Amid whispered rumours of something called the "New Whirled Order", news has been pouring into Blighty's Blog's New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-upon-Tyne) bureau about a sinister plot involving Prince Charles.

The British press reports the Prince has been in top secret talks with several British ministers. Now our Oslo, Finland-based environment correspondent Skep Tic has received a tip-off that Charles is involved in a fiendish plot to manipulate the world's climate.

Details are sketchy due to a thick blanketing shroud of secrecy but Blighty's Blog understands the essence of the plan is to combat global warming by planting millions of trees to soak up excess carbon dioxide.

Human Race Faces Extinction ... or Incineration

Our science correspondent Professor A. Boffin explains:

"Carbon dioxide has long been known to be an extinction level gas due to its greenhouse effect which is warming the planet, potentially making the Earth uninhabitable for future generations. But teams of top scientists are pointing to a natural process by which trees absorb carbon dioxide and release oxygen."

But the professor urges caution:

"Of course, taken too far, we may saturate the atmosphere with oxygen making it highly inflammable" he cautioned. "We have to maintain a delicate balance between global warming due to excess carbon dioxide and incineration of the human race due to spontaneous ignition of the excess atmospheric oxygen."

According to British newspaper, the Daily Telegraph:

"Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman twice discussed the issue of 'tree health' with him (Charles) while he held a one-to-one meeting with Climate Change Minister Greg Barker about global warming at a conference in Norway."

Army Mobilized

The British government is believed to be assembling several regiments of army regulars for a gargantuan tree-planting exercise in an as yet undisclosed location in Britain. Meanwhile a second army is on standby with chainsaws ... just in case ...

Comments

Major (Queen's Own; ret) W.Y.S.I.W.Y.G St-John Blackguard-Smyth IV, bart of Surrey.

Dammit, HRH wants to forge his own legacy in case he snuffs it early and leaves the throne to that young whipper-snapper of a son of his. Harrumph! B-S in Surrey.

Carl Marks (unemployed, Clapham)

Typical! The ruling classes think they own the whole flaming world. It's the workers who will suffer the most, you Marx my words! C.M. in south London.

T. Blair (P.M. ret)

Of course it was all my idea. I discussed it fully with Her Majesty while I was in Downing Street. Her Majesty suggested we give the project to Charles because, if it all went horribly wrong, she didn't want the sane members of the Royal Family to bear any blame. T.B. in Brussels.

Royal Navy Running Out of Ammo

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 01:21:00 +0000

British First Sea Lord, Admiral Sir Bill Barnacle has informed Downing Street today that the Royal Navy cannot continue its campaign against Libya for much longer.

The admirable admiral has advised Whitehall that the navy had budgeted for a 6-month campaign but that the recent re-allocation of cannonballs to the army for the 90-gun birthday salute to the Duke of Edinburgh had almost completely emptied its arsenal.

Red-faced civil service mandarins at the Ministry of Defence are said to be dismayed by the admission that the world's oldest naval force doesn't have the balls to fight on.

Meanwhile, in the Excited States of Um ... Erica, top-ranking politicians are said to rolling around on the White House lawn frothing with uncontrolled mirth while sputtering disingenuous and disparaging remarks about "European Puddle Pirates".

In Tripoli, Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi commented that he is pleased with the news because the constant thudding of cannonballs against his compound walls had been giving him a nasty headache. He said he hopes the Royal Navy will now let him get on with his chess game without any further unpleasantness.

The Royal Navy's lack of balls has surely not gone unnoticed at Al Qaeda headquarters in downtown Islamabad either. Al Qaeda spokesman Denis al-Menace today commented ... [continued on page 94]

Use Your Loaf!

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 01:51:00 +0000

Give Us This Day
The American artist Andy Warhol is best remembered for saying "everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes". Fame is fleeting; infamy lasts forever. And the British will forever be infamous for ruining our daily bread.

Use or Abuse?
In cockney rhyming slang a "loaf" is a loaf of bread: head. The expression "use your loaf" means "think about it". In 1961 British scientists at Chorleywood, in Hertfordshire, England thought about it. What they came up with was, unfortunately, a way to "abuse your loaf".

Buck and Dough
The result of their thinking was a new, super-fast, very cheap way of making bread - nasty bread. Bread made by the Chorleywood process now represents 80% of the bread sold in Britain. Production has spread around the world as bread factories (we used to call them bakeries - remember?) adopt this easy way to make a fast loaf and a fast buck.

Use Your Wonderloaf
I grew up eating that bread, you are probably very familiar with it too. Bread made by the Chorleywood process is white, light, soft and stays fresh for several days. Sounds good so far doesn't it? But when you understand what goes into Chorleywood Bread you may never want to eat it again.

The Proof is in the Eating
Traditional bread is made very slowly. Dough is mixed with yeast and allowed to "proof" (i.e. rise slowly). It is then kneaded thoroughly to develop gluten from the natural wheat protein and give the bread its body.

Fat and Full of Wind
Chorleywood bread, on the other hand, can be made with poor quality, low protein wheat. Very high speed mixers are used to introduce as much air into the dough as possible. Very little gluten will be generated (because of the low protein content of the wheat) so the body of the bread is maintained using hard fat, large quantities of yeast and chemical additives.

Hard to Digest
Incidentally, since this wonderful new "bread" was introduced there has been a marked increase in the number of cases of people who are incapable of digesting bread. Coincidence?

The Best House in Britain

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Sun, 01 May 2011 19:43:00 +0000

3 Bed Semi

The United Queendom is home to over 61 million people living in no fewer than 13 million residences. The average Briton is said to live in a 3-bedroom semi-detached house on a modest suburban lot. But, in stark contrast to the lot of the common man, the Queendom is replete with stately homes and castles built over the centuries as the principal residences of the British aristocracy.

Stately Homes

Many of these magnificent homes were built from the proceeds of Britain's expanding trade with its colonies; others were built from the proceeds of the slave trade.

Noble gentlemen in the shires were expected to host visits by the sovereign and his or her entourage during their travels throughout their home and native lands. That required opulent accommodations and lavish entertainment in order to keep the sovereign's favour. In consequence there are many beautiful homes throughout the UK with magnificent rooms, expensive furnishings, and great works of art.

240 Bed Detached

One of these stately homes stands out from the rest as possibly the best home in Britain. The home is now owned by the state and is the rent-free principal residence of a prominent British citizen. It features 830,000 square feet of space, 240 bedrooms, 78 bathrooms, a swimming pool and a large private garden with its own lake.

Home-based Global Business

This fine home also features 92 offices in which a total of 450 people are employed. The principal resident operates an international real estate empire extending to the four corners of the world administered from this location.

A Billion Pounds

Despite its opulence it is actually one of the smallest buildings in its class in the world. It costs £15m in annual maintenance but this cost is offset by the £4m in revenue earned from public tours of the property. The recession has slashed property prices in the United Queendom and this property has taken its share of the pain, falling in value by nearly 9% to a present market value of around a billion pounds sterling. It is not currently listed for sale.

Viewings Available

If you are visiting the UK this year it is worth taking a look at this splendid stately home. In fact why not take advantage of one of the public tours. It is located to the east of the intersection of the A4 and the A302 in central London. Various properties have been built on this prestige lot over the centuries; the present property is called ... Buckingham Palace.

Canadian with Automatic Weapon Stopped at Gatwick Airport

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 20:26:00 +0000

A story in Britain's Daily Mail this week triggered a report from Blighty's Blog's firearms expert Sikh Shuter. A woman from Oakville, Ontario has been intercepted at London's Gatwick airport while trying to carry a military assault rifle on board a flight to Toronto.

The weapon described as made of resin, about three inches long, with no moving parts and an unbored barrel was accompanied by a model soldier. It was a gift from an expat British woman to her husband (a former territorial army member) on his retirement.

Security officials at Gatwick, despite being highly intelligent with an exceptional IQ score of 199, were nevertheless fooled into thinking the "weapon" might be a danger to the safe operation of the aircraft.

[UPDATE: Since this report was compiled Blighty's Blog has learned the IQ score was actually an aggregate of all the individual members' IQs. "We work as a team" claimed Gatwick union spokesperson Lill Iput].

The "weapon" was confiscated but in a gesture of compromise Gatwick officials mailed it to Canada where it was reunited with its owner.

You can read the original article in the Daily Mail Online by clicking on the title of this post.

Massive Floods Expected in Toronto: UK Source

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 03:05:00 +0000

This news just in from Blighty's Blog weather expert S. Keptic in New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-upon-Tyne): massive flooding is forecast for the area surrounding Lake Ontario. Affected cities include Toronto, Hamilton, Buffalo (New York - no not the one just off the A19 near Newcastle-upon-Tyne).

The Canadian government has kicked into high gear to deal with the problem. New Environment minister Peter Kent has ordered a public inquiry to begin as early as January 2012 with a mandate to explore all possible avenues of relief for the affected regions.

And, for once, the much heralded but as yet unseen global warming is not to blame. Instead, Britain's experts have predicted a reversal in the direction of flow of the mighty St Lawrence River. The entire Atlantic Ocean is expected to drain into the Great Lakes basin raising lake levels by as much as five hundred metres according to UN computer models.

The sinister scientific findings were passed to Canada hidden in a board game produced for United Queendom retail giant Marks & Spencer. A quiz card within the game box contained the question: "Which Canadian river flows past the cities of Quebec and Montreal before emptying into Lake Ontario?"

The science is settled - start building an ark!

Warm Snow Swamps Britain

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 21:49:00 +0000

Blighty's Blog climate change expert S. Keptic filed a story with our downtown Orangeville head office this week about why it took 24 hours to clear 10cm of snow from the runway at London's Heathrow airport. Of course a light dusting like that would have taken a conga line of snow plows only minutes to remove on the Canadian side of the pond, but here is Keptic's unbelievable story of what happened at Heathrow.

As soon as the Met Office detected the approaching storm officials were summoned back from the pub to evaluate their response to the situation. A quick phone call was made to Aberdeen to get the UK's snow plow (plough) rolling on its 400 mile journey to London. Unfortunately, the driver had already clocked off and was in the pub wi' a wee dram in his hand.

But next morning, at the crack of half past nine, he was on his way. Meanwhile, in central London a high level delegation was meeting to discuss the carbon footprint created by driving a big diesel lorry with a giant three feet wide shovel all the way to London. By late evening the bureaucrats had decided to send the matter for review by a Commons Select Committee and adjourned to licensed premises for refreshments.

By five o'clock in the afternoon the snow plow driver decided it was time to knock off for the day. He pulled into a parking lot outside a pub near Birmingham and popped in for a pie and a swift half. Anxious officials in London made frantic phone calls to authorize enough overtime for the driver to complete his journey but it was too late, the driver had already ordered his tenth "swift half" and was performing a duet of "Flower of Scotland" with a fellow from Glasgow he had met in the bar.

But, a replacement driver was found and, twenty three hours after departing from the north of Scotland, the plough arrived ... at Gatwick. The snow plow drivers union blamed management for the cock-up and management responded by locking out the union workers.

Meanwhile, back at London's Heathrow Airport, a jet full of ladies from the Whopping Lye Women's Institute were awaiting take-off for their annual Christmas duty-free shopping trip and general knees-up in Benidorm. Mrs Willis was the first to jump up when she heard the captain's announcement about the snow delay.

"Come on girls" she called and within two minutes seventy six women had donned headscarves, tucked a ciggy in the corner of their mouths, grabbed brooms and were industriously clearing the runway.

Footnote: Embarrassed officials at London's Meteorological Office have blamed "warm snow" for the travel disruption throughout Britain. A spokesman interviewed in the snug at the Red Lion next door to the Met Office was quoted saying that climate change will result in increasing amounts of warm snow falling on the United Queendom over the next few years.

Never Again Says England Boss

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 17:01:00 +0000

"We'll never bid again" says Andy Anson, captain of England's failed bid to host FIFA's World Cup competition in 2018.

"There is no point in England bidding again until FIFA changes its voting system" he went on to say. Investigative reporters for Blighty's Blog revealed that FIFA's price is just too high.

"We don't mind stuffing a few fivers in somebody's back pocket" said a spokesman who wished to remain anonymous "but these guys in Zurich are just asking too much. Britain is still in a recession you know".

Blighty's Blog tried asking further questions but the door with the number "10" on it abruptly closed in our reporter's face. However, another unpublished Wikileaks report that fell into our hands this week reveals that FIFA votes will soon be trading on exchanges in London, New York and Tokyo.

FIFA Boss to be Guest of Prince William

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 21:16:00 +0000

Blighty's Blog has learned that FIFA president Sepp Blatter is to be invited to Britain as a very special guest of Prince William.

Our Buckingham Palace correspondent, Elizabeth Scorgis, has learned that the prince has issued a personal invite to Mr Blatter following their meeting in Zurich this week during which England's bid to host the 2018 World Cup was soundly rejected.

The prince, we are told, wants to pay back Mr Blatter for the special treatment the England bid team received in Blatter's home country of Switzerland.

A special apartment is being prepared in the Tower of London where the FIFA supremo will be staying during his visit. The Tower, of course, was used in the past to house traitors during their trial and eventual execution.

Mr Blatter will be given ample opportunity to visit the dungeons and torture chambers where hapless victims once suffered terrible torments. He will even be invited to lay his head on the very same block used to execute many prominent and high profile prisoners during the Tower's long sordid history.

Mr Blatter's office in Zurich has expressed concern that FIFA's head will be cut off from day-to-day activities at FIFA headquarters in Zurich. The Prince's office has re-assured Zurich agreeing that it's head will be briefly cut off, but that Mr Blatter will be drawn to the attractions of the Tower and will want to hang around where he will be well quartered during his stay in Britain.

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson - Emperor of London

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 17:07:00 +0000

He has been called "the thinking man's idiot". Born in New York City (the one in America - not the one near Newcastle) he is a direct descendant of the last Grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire, Prince Paul of Württemberg, King George II and King James I. He claims Muslim, Jewish and Christian heritage.

He could easily earn a good living as a stand-up comedian but he currently works in London - as Lord Mayor. Of all the incumbents of Mansion House (official residence of the Lord Mayor of London), Boris Johnson is ... definitely one of them.

Johnson was educated at Eton and Balliol College Oxford and, not surprisingly, is a stalwart of the British Conservative party. Actually he is 8th cousin to current British Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron.

He is a journalist and author of several books including: Friends, Voters, Countrymen: Jottings on the Stump; Lend Me Your Ears; Have I Got Views For You; Have I Got Views For You and Seventy-Two Virgins.

Boris Johnson likes to clown around and is one of the most quoted politicians (albeit in the fumbling manner of America's Dan Quayle) on the 'net. One never knows whether some of his quotes were made tongue in cheek, but here is a sampling:

It is said that the Queen has come to love the Commonwealth, partly because it supplies her with regular cheering crowds of flag-waving picaninnies
The problem is not that we were once in charge, but that we are not in charge any more...
What transaction happened here? Have I just bought your house?
Look the point is ... er, what is the point? It is a tough job but somebody has got to do it.
My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.
I can't remember what my line on drugs is. What's my line on drugs?
I could not fail to disagree with you less.
There may be a reason I can't think of but the problem with that reason is that I can't think of it now.
Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.

British Leader David Beckham Goes for Goal

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 21:23:00 +0000

British leader David Beckham met with FIFA president Sepp Blatter in Zurich this week to discuss England's bid to host soccer's World Cup in 2018.

Beckham brought along two ball boys to help convince the supreme ruler of international soccer that, despite efforts by the BBC to sabotage England's bid, the Queendom has what it takes to be a good host. Beckham's assistants, Mr David Cameron - a resident of London - and Mr David Dein - head ball boy of the England 2018 bid sat quietly in the background while Beckham battled Blatter.

Earlier in the week BBC Television's Panorama program had pointed its blundering blunderbuss at FIFA officials, accusing three of them of accepting bribes.

Blighty's Blog soccer correspondent Penn Altekik, reporting from our European bureau in New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-upon-Tyne) has seen an as-yet unpublished secret Wikileaks document from Drowning Street instructing the BBC to offer bribes to FIFA officials.

The red-faced public broadcasting mandarins in Bush House apparently misinterpreted the message and "screwed everything up" reports Altekik.

Bishop Predicts Seven Year Itch

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 04:09:00 +0000

The marriage of "Big Ears and the Porcelain Doll" (referring to Prince Charles and Lady Diana) - to use the words penned by the Bishop of Willesden the Rt Rev Pete Broadbent - was a disaster in slow motion.

And so he predicted the marriage of William and Kate Middleton will encounter a seven year itch ... and be scratched!

The highly embarrassed bishop donned sackcloth and ashes in a big hurry when his remarks were made public this week. Now the wicked reverend has been forced to backtrack and issue a grovelling apology.

The Queen has declined to comment but one may be sure that she will cast a surly glower at the erring priest when she opens the General Synod of the Church of England this week.

I Slept on the Street Admits British PM

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 21:53:00 +0000

He may have posh digs now but life hasn't always been a bed of roses for British Prime Minister David Cameron. Blimey, it wasn't too long ago that the Conservative party leader was sleeping on the streets of London.

On hearing of the news of the betrothal of Prince William and Katherine (as she now likes to be called) Middleton, Cameron's eyes welled up with tears as he recounted one of those nights he spent sleeping on London's cold, damp streets.

The occasion was the night before the wedding of Prince William's parents Charles and Diana. Seeking to make the best of a bad situation, Cameron laid down his blanket on the cold, hard pavement outside Buckingham Palace so that he would get a good look at the royal couple as they swept by in their limousine after their wedding.

"God bless you sir, God bless you ma'am" he called out through the slit in the blanket he had tightly folded around himself to stay warm.

God's blessing may not have helped Charles and Diana but it rebounded in great measure on the poor wretch who went on to become the leader of sixty million people.

Prince William's engagement brought back strong feelings of nostalgia to Cameron as the news was broken to him in the cabinet room at Downing Street this week. Cameron enthusiastically led ministers in a boisterous round of excited table thumping amid cries of "I say, what a damned good show" and "jolly fine affair" and "that'll at least keep their bloody minds off their cancelled welfare payments".

Camilla will be Queen - Charles

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 02:11:00 +0000

While the rest of the world speculates on whether Prince William will be next to ascend the throne instead of Charles, the Prince of Wales has raised the spectre of Camilla becoming his queen when he becomes king.

Charles is lawfully next in line to accept the orb and sceptre from the Archbishop of Canterbury, but three things weigh against him enjoying his big day in Westminster Abbey.

First, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II - his mum - is remarkably healthy for an octagenarian. She may well beat Queen Victoria's record of a nearly 64 year reign. Elizabeth ascended the throne in 1953 and will take the biscuit in the year 2017. Charles will be 69 years old in 2017.

Second, Charles is not universally popular. His public statements and his often controversial opinions have led to a popular perception that he is an elitist. His son William, on the other hand, is perceived to be a man of the people.

Third, Charles' first wife, Diana was enormously popular. Rumours of Charles' extra-marital assignations with Camilla who was subsequently to be his second wife have not been well received by the public. It was the public's expectation that Camilla would assume the title of Princess Consort if and when her husband became king. But now Charles has really set the cat among the pigeons by declaring that Camilla shall be his queen.

Long live Queen Elizabeth!

NB: This post is intended to be satirical. No disrespect is intended toward any member of the Royal Family.

Oh Happy Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 01:13:00 +0000

Oh happy day indeed! Prince William and long time girlfriend Kate Middleton are to be wed. Royal weddings are always a big event in the United Queendom but this one is very special indeed for the long-suffering British people. Her Majesty's government has decided to make the royal wedding day into another public holiday.

Blighty's Blog received a report from our correspondent at Buckingham Palace, Elizabeth Scorgis, saying the royal couple had been dogged with questions about how to relieve the suffering of the peasants in the streets of Merrie England. "A day off!" beamed Prince William as he sat down for high tea in the big house at the end of The Mall. "I say what a splendid idea darling!" replied his betrothed.

And so it came to pass that the embattled peasants, so recently separated from their beloved welfare payments by their cruel masters in government, were given emotional sustenance to aid them in carrying their heavy burden.

"God bless you ma'am, God bless you sir" blurted one shoeless wretch lying in the street amid the last of the dry autumn leaves whipped up by the cold, sharp November wind as the royal couple swept by in their limousine ...

... continued on page 96.

Health & Safety Mate!

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 17:21:00 +0000

Her Britannic Majesty's government has determined that military brass band music is detrimental to health. An article published on the BBC website today reveals that military bandsmen have been ordered to wear earplugs because the volume of their instruments could lead to hearing impairment.

The military musicians tend to disagree arguing that if they can no longer clearly hear what they are playing the music be out of tune. But the RNID (Royal National Institute for the Deaf) has turned a deaf ear to their protests and fully supports the government.

Meanwhile the RNIB (Royal National Institute for the Blind) is keeping an eye on the situation and may soon be petitioning the government to make the bandsmen wear sunglasses to protect them from the intense glare of sunlight reflecting from the highly polished brass instruments.

The government Health & Safety Executive is also considering extending the protection requirements to band audiences. Government spokesman Tony Deff-Dummanblind told Blighty's Blog that public safety is "of paramount concern" to HM Government.

Meanwhile, our Westminster correspondent T. Hames told Blighty's Blog that Conservative prime minister David Cameron has denied reports that the onerous new regulations were the result of a terrible bureaucratic misunderstanding. A rumour circulating in Whitehall suggests that a junior Tory staffer thought the surname of new Labour Party leader Ed Miliband was an abbreviation for "Military band".

The UK's New Simple Tax Plan

noreply@blogger.com (Blighty's Tuck Store) — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 17:42:00 +0000

God bless Her Majesty's taxmen. They have a cunning new plan to simplify the tax system in the United Queendom. It is very simple indeed really. "Give us all the money you earn; we will take the government's share off the top and hand you the rest as your pocket money".

Admittedly, Blighty's Blog has been known to elaborate or invent stories in the past. But that is not the case with this story. This is a real, bona-fide plan by Her Majesty's taxmen; it was reported in today's online version of Britain's Daily Express newspaper.

Stunning in its simplicity, this innovative plan will avoid any possibility of future embarrassing government errors, such as the recent one in which thousands of taxpayers received a huge bill because the government had miscalculated their source deductions.

The official responsible for the tax department's error refused to apologize until an angry mob held him upside down from an open window above the frosty waters of the River Thames in London.

Is it Really Such a Bad Idea?
On reflection, wouldn't it be nice not to have to worry about money? Why not let the taxman take it all and then ask the government to provide us with housing, food and everything else we need? We could line up outside the government office for bread on Mondays, milk on Tuesdays ...

... continued on page 94