Riots in London - Government Acts

In the wake of historic riots devastating London and other cities, the British government has stepped in with an iron fist to take control of law and order.

Government spokesperson Baroness Warsi, speaking in a BBC interview this morning, assured the public that the "police are in control". Millions of British people will sleep sounder in their beds tonight with that re-assurance, I am sure.

Meanwhile, prime minister David Cameron, fresh from his vacation in Italy is primed to sweep into action with a heavy hand. "We will not hesitate to recall parliament and immediately - I say immediately - form a committee to study various courses of action available to the authorities".

A spokesperson for the rioters, heard on the BBC, claimed "it's all the fault of the govinment (sic) and the rich people". Indeed, the riot spokesperson may have hit the nail on the head. If only Mr Cameron had had the cajones to form a parliamentary committee to study the situation before he went on vacation. Tsk, tsk.

Three Harrys and an H Bomb

All three Harrys in this strange tale were British. All three were famous and all three are dead. What is strange is how one of the Harrys made the other two happy Harrys by mistake.

Let us start with the first Harry. He was James Harold Wilson, Baron Wilson of Rievaulx, KG, OBE, FRS, FSS, PC, better known simply as Harold Wilson, the pipe-smoking prime minister of Britain from 1964 until 1970 and then again from 1974 until 1976.

The second was Harry H. Corbett, born in Rangoon, Burma, the son of a British army officer. Corbett earned fame as an actor for his role as Harold Steptoe in the hit TV show "Steptoe and Son". He was also a strong supporter of the British Labour Party and a friend of Labour prime minister Harold Wilson.

The third Harry of this strange tale was the very similarly named Harry Corbett, the son of a coal miner. Harry  number three was deaf in one ear which halted his ambition to become a musician. However, he did achieve fame in the entertainment world as a puppeteer with his stage and TV act involving a mischievous teddy bear called "Sooty".

The first Harry, the prime minister intended to honour his friend and supporter Harry H. Corbett with an OBE (Order of the British Empire). But, due to bureaucratic bungling, the middle initial "H" was dropped from the paperwork and the honour went by mistake to Harry H-less Corbett - the puppeteer.

The error must have embarassed the prime minister and disappointed the intended recipient who was nevertheless also rewarded with an OBE in the new year's honour list of 1976.

The moral of the story is "never drop your H's".

What a Bummer!

The Great British Bum is getting greater according to a British tabloid. In fact the average beefy British bloke's bum blubber is so bulky it is breaking toilet seats.

But, just in time, the Excited States of Um...Erica has come to the rescue. Americans, apparently, are well acquainted with the problem of portly posteriors putting pressure on the porcelain and have engineered an elegant solution. They call it the "Big John".

The Big John is an oversize toilet seat capable of supporting the rumps of the ravenously rapacious. Unfastidious fans of fatty, fast foods who tip the Toledo at up to 840lbs can now mount the thunderbox in safety and comfort.

Is Phone Hacking Really So Bad?

The whole of the United Queendom seems to be worked up into a lather over the News of the World phone-hacking scandal. Without meaning any disrespect to the victims, it all sounds like a jolly big cyclone in a teapot.

The whole country is falling apart but members of parliament are frothing at the mouth with uncontrolled rage over the underhand tactics of a handful of journalists. Could it be that this is just the issue they needed to distract public attention away from their own impropriety in the parliamentary expenses scandal?

And is the British public really so embroiled over the phone-hacking issue? Didn't they make the "News of the Screws" the country's best-selling rag in the first place? Where did they think the salacious information in the paper came from anyway?

But the big

question is:

Is phone-hacking really so bad? 

Yes?

Are you sure?

Well consider this; the BBC reported this week on Taliban outrage over the US hacking into Taliban phones and sending false messages to confuse the enemy in Afghanistan. Whoa! They'll be threatening them with guns next.

Rebekah Brooks Out for a Duck

News Corp CEO in Deep Trouble

Once again Blighty's Blog is on the cutting edge of breaking news from the United Queendom. Our crack team of New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-on-Tyne) based journalists were at the forefront of the action when disgraced News Corp CEO Rebekah Brooks fell into the hands of an angry London mob today.

Two of our correspondents were on the scene when Rebekah Brooks was taken by the mob and ducked into the Thames. Our exclusive pictures tell the story. Correspondent Ben Bigg in Westminster working with his counterpart on the south bank, Surree M. Bankment, shot these pictures as the action unfolded. "She just couldn't hack it" reported a Blighty's Blog editorial staffer who was a member of the Ducking Committee.

Rupert Murdoch to Visit USA
News is also pouring into Blighty's Blog's global HQ about an impending trip by News Corp head honcho, Rupert Murdoch to the Excited States of America. Interviewed by phone on Saturday, spokesman Billy-Bob Swamprat - a uniformed US government employee - revealed that Rupert Murdoch has been invited to come for a fun-filled fortnight at an exclusive US government resort in Cuba.

All Expenses Paid Vacation

Murdoch will enjoy two full weeks of all-expenses paid fun featuring waterboarding and other sports as well as singing lessons. Mr Swamprat told Blighty's Blog that, by the end of the vacation, Rupert Murdoch will be "singing like a canary".

Penguins Over Canada

Annual Migration
Something exciting is going to happen this summer in Canada. Every year, around this time, the annual penguin migration from the north pole to the south pole takes place. Their route usually takes them over Iceland, past the west coast of Ireland, then over the Azores to the west coast of Africa where they rest for a few days.

Penguin Books
The migration is well known and well-documented in Britain. Visitors to any bookstore in the UK will see hundreds of penguin books on the shelves.

Sex on the Beach
After recovering from the first phase of their long journey, the penguins fly on to the Falkland Islands in the South Atlantic where they rest again before the final leg of their migratory route takes them onto the cold Antarctic peninsula where they spend the antipodean summer breeding on the beaches.

New Route Over Canada
This year, British scientists working in Bermuda expect the birds to take a more westerly route over Greenland then Canada before heading out over the Atlantic. Anyone living in eastern Canada - possibly as far west as Ontario - should watch out for the giant birds between now and the end of August.

Spread the Word
The extremely rare sight of Penguins flying over Canada is not to be missed! Tell everybody you know and share this story with your Facebook friends, then get a comfortable chair and watch the skies!

Slay the Orangeville Hydra!

In Greek mythology, the Lernaean Hydra was a serpent-like beast with many heads renowned for its "poisonous breath so virulent even her tracks were deadly". It was killed by the Greek hero Heracles. Well, guess what? The Hydra is back - not in Greece but here in Orangeville.

The Lernaean Hydra is now Orangeville Hydra and is responsible (or might I say irresponsible) for delivering electricity to the unfortunate citizens around these parts. I received a letter from the Hydra today; here is what it said:

The monster with "breath so virulent even its tracks are deadly" admits it made a billing error two years ago. Now it thinks it can dun all its customers to cover up its own incompetence. Well I have put on my Heracles suit and I am ready to slay the ugly beast. Here is the text of the letter I sent to the Orangeville Hydra challenging it to battle:

Dear “Customer Service Representative”:

I received your letter, dated 13^th June, today (4^th July) regarding your billing error from 2 years ago. I was flabbergasted. After having the misfortune of being forced to deal with Orangeville Hydro for some time now, I had already drawn the conclusion that you treat your customers with the utmost contempt. To that I can now add that you are incompetent and irrepressibly arrogant.

Your photocopied letter does not identify its sender by name and uses the wrong postal code. I tried researching your website to find the name of the head of your organization – no luck. It seems that an organization of imbeciles understandably wishes to remain anonymous.

Now, to address the substance of your pitiful letter. You seek to make your customers pay for your unbelievable incompetence of 2 years ago. Good luck. I will not be underwriting your stupidity with any degree of enthusiasm whatsoever.

The period for which you seek re-imbursement is so far back in history that it falls in a fiscal year which has been closed, audited and filed with Canada Revenue Service. For me to re-open the books for that period will cost me a small fortune in bookkeeping and accounting fees.

If you are willing to underwrite that expense as a deduction from my account I will look more favourably on your otherwise unreasonable demand. Failing which I would advise you to prepare for a long and difficult battle for re-imbursement of the amount you are claiming.

Meanwhile I will take some delight in widely publishing details of your incompetence and the arrogant manner in which you seek to cover it up. I will make it my project to ensure the name “Orangeville Hydro” is a synonym for incompetence, arrogance and customer unfriendliness.

Sincerely,

Once more unto the breach dear friends, or close the walls up with our English dead!