"Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited" - John Cleese

Author John Corby also writes as "Bulldogge" for the British Canadian newspaper.

A Farthingsworth of Tall Tales from Blighty's Fameless Blog
Newsflash from New York (no, not that one!) |  Are the British better drivers? |  The Story of the Telephone Kiosk |  Drinking Nelson's Blood |  Screaming Jelly Babies |  Flying to the UK is very dangerous! |  Brits to drive on the right |  Who hung the monkey? |  Upper class virgins |  Double, double trouble |  What a Lovely Morning for a War

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Warm Snow Swamps Britain

Blighty's Blog climate change expert S. Keptic filed a story with our downtown Orangeville head office this week about why it took 24 hours to clear 10cm of snow from the runway at London's Heathrow airport. Of course a light dusting like that would have taken a conga line of snow plows only minutes to remove on the Canadian side of the pond, but here is Keptic's unbelievable story of what happened at Heathrow.
As soon as the Met Office detected the approaching storm officials were summoned back from the pub to evaluate their response to the situation. A quick phone call was made to Aberdeen to get the UK's snow plow (plough) rolling on its 400 mile journey to London. Unfortunately, the driver had already clocked off and was in the pub wi' a wee dram in his hand.

But next morning, at the crack of half past nine, he was on his way. Meanwhile, in central London a high level delegation was meeting to discuss the carbon footprint created by driving a big diesel lorry with a giant three feet wide shovel all the way to London. By late evening the bureaucrats had decided to send the matter for review by a Commons Select Committee and adjourned to licensed premises for refreshments.

By five o'clock in the afternoon the snow plow driver decided it was time to knock off for the day. He pulled into a parking lot outside a pub near Birmingham and popped in for a pie and a swift half. Anxious officials in London made frantic phone calls to authorize enough overtime for the driver to complete his journey but it was too late, the driver had already ordered his tenth "swift half" and was performing a duet of "Flower of Scotland" with a fellow from Glasgow he had met in the bar.

But, a replacement driver was found and, twenty three hours after departing from the north of Scotland, the plough arrived ... at Gatwick. The snow plow drivers union blamed management for the cock-up and management responded by locking out the union workers.

Meanwhile, back at London's Heathrow Airport, a jet full of ladies from the Whopping Lye Women's Institute were awaiting take-off for their annual Christmas duty-free shopping trip and general knees-up in Benidorm. Mrs Willis was the first to jump up when she heard the captain's announcement about the snow delay.

"Come on girls" she called and within two minutes seventy six women had donned headscarves, tucked a ciggy in the corner of their mouths, grabbed brooms and were industriously clearing the runway.

Footnote: Embarrassed officials at London's Meteorological Office have blamed "warm snow" for the travel disruption throughout Britain. A spokesman interviewed in the snug at the Red Lion next door to the Met Office was quoted saying that climate change will result in increasing amounts of warm snow falling on the United Queendom over the next few years.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Never Again Says England Boss

"We'll never bid again" says Andy Anson, captain of England's failed bid to host FIFA's World Cup competition in 2018.

"There is no point in England bidding again until FIFA changes its voting system" he went on to say. Investigative reporters for Blighty's Blog revealed that FIFA's price is just too high.

"We don't mind stuffing a few fivers in somebody's back pocket" said a spokesman who wished to remain anonymous "but these guys in Zurich are just asking too much. Britain is still in a recession you know".

Blighty's Blog tried asking further questions but the door with the number "10" on it abruptly closed in our reporter's face. However, another unpublished Wikileaks report that fell into our hands this week reveals that FIFA votes will soon be trading on exchanges in London, New York and Tokyo.

Friday, December 03, 2010

FIFA Boss to be Guest of Prince William

Blighty's Blog has learned that FIFA president Sepp Blatter is to be invited to Britain as a very special guest of Prince William.

Our Buckingham Palace correspondent, Elizabeth Scorgis, has learned that the prince has issued a personal invite to Mr Blatter following their meeting in Zurich this week during which England's bid to host the 2018 World Cup was soundly rejected.

The prince, we are told, wants to pay back Mr Blatter for the special treatment the England bid team received in Blatter's home country of Switzerland.

A special apartment is being prepared in the Tower of London where the FIFA supremo will be staying during his visit. The Tower, of course, was used in the past to house traitors during their trial and eventual execution.

Mr Blatter will be given ample opportunity to visit the dungeons and torture chambers where hapless victims once suffered terrible torments. He will even be invited to lay his head on the very same block used to execute many prominent and high profile prisoners during the Tower's long sordid history.

Mr Blatter's office in Zurich has expressed concern that FIFA's head will be cut off from day-to-day activities at FIFA headquarters in Zurich. The Prince's office has re-assured Zurich agreeing that it's head will be briefly cut off, but that Mr Blatter will be drawn to the attractions of the Tower and will want to hang around where he will be well quartered during his stay in Britain.

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson - Emperor of London

He has been called "the thinking man's idiot". Born in New York City (the one in America - not the one near Newcastle) he is a direct descendant of the last Grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire, Prince Paul of W├╝rttemberg, King George II and King James I. He claims Muslim, Jewish and Christian heritage.

He could easily earn a good living as a stand-up comedian but he currently works in London - as Lord Mayor. Of all the incumbents of Mansion House (official residence of the Lord Mayor of London), Boris Johnson is ... definitely one of them.

Johnson was educated at Eton and Balliol College Oxford and, not surprisingly, is a stalwart of the British Conservative party. Actually he is 8th cousin to current British Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron.

He is a journalist and author of several books including: Friends, Voters, Countrymen: Jottings on the Stump; Lend Me Your Ears; Have I Got Views For You; Have I Got Views For You and Seventy-Two Virgins.

Boris Johnson likes to clown around and is one of the most quoted politicians (albeit in the fumbling manner of America's Dan Quayle) on the 'net. One never knows whether some of his quotes were made tongue in cheek, but here is a sampling:

  • It is said that the Queen has come to love the Commonwealth, partly because it supplies her with regular cheering crowds of flag-waving picaninnies
  • The problem is not that we were once in charge, but that we are not in charge any more... 
  • What transaction happened here? Have I just bought your house?
  • Look the point is ... er, what is the point? It is a tough job but somebody has got to do it.
  • My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.
  • I can't remember what my line on drugs is. What's my line on drugs?
  • I could not fail to disagree with you less.
  • There may be a reason I can't think of but the problem with that reason is that I can't think of it now.
  • Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

British Leader David Beckham Goes for Goal

British leader David Beckham met with FIFA president Sepp Blatter in Zurich this week to discuss England's bid to host soccer's World Cup in 2018.

Beckham brought along two ball boys to help convince the supreme ruler of international soccer that, despite efforts by the BBC to sabotage England's bid, the Queendom has what it takes to be a good host. Beckham's assistants, Mr David Cameron - a resident of London - and Mr David Dein - head ball boy of the England 2018 bid sat quietly in the background while Beckham battled Blatter.

Earlier in the week BBC Television's Panorama program had pointed its blundering blunderbuss at FIFA officials, accusing three of them of accepting bribes.

Blighty's Blog soccer correspondent Penn Altekik, reporting from our European bureau in New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-upon-Tyne) has seen an as-yet unpublished secret Wikileaks document from Drowning Street instructing the BBC to offer bribes to FIFA officials.

The red-faced public broadcasting mandarins in Bush House apparently misinterpreted the message and "screwed everything up" reports Altekik.