"Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited" - John Cleese

Author John Corby also writes as "Bulldogge" for the British Canadian newspaper.

A Farthingsworth of Tall Tales from Blighty's Fameless Blog
Newsflash from New York (no, not that one!) |  Are the British better drivers? |  The Story of the Telephone Kiosk |  Drinking Nelson's Blood |  Screaming Jelly Babies |  Flying to the UK is very dangerous! |  Brits to drive on the right |  Who hung the monkey? |  Upper class virgins |  Double, double trouble |  What a Lovely Morning for a War

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Warm Snow Swamps Britain

Blighty's Blog climate change expert S. Keptic filed a story with our downtown Orangeville head office this week about why it took 24 hours to clear 10cm of snow from the runway at London's Heathrow airport. Of course a light dusting like that would have taken a conga line of snow plows only minutes to remove on the Canadian side of the pond, but here is Keptic's unbelievable story of what happened at Heathrow.
As soon as the Met Office detected the approaching storm officials were summoned back from the pub to evaluate their response to the situation. A quick phone call was made to Aberdeen to get the UK's snow plow (plough) rolling on its 400 mile journey to London. Unfortunately, the driver had already clocked off and was in the pub wi' a wee dram in his hand.

But next morning, at the crack of half past nine, he was on his way. Meanwhile, in central London a high level delegation was meeting to discuss the carbon footprint created by driving a big diesel lorry with a giant three feet wide shovel all the way to London. By late evening the bureaucrats had decided to send the matter for review by a Commons Select Committee and adjourned to licensed premises for refreshments.

By five o'clock in the afternoon the snow plow driver decided it was time to knock off for the day. He pulled into a parking lot outside a pub near Birmingham and popped in for a pie and a swift half. Anxious officials in London made frantic phone calls to authorize enough overtime for the driver to complete his journey but it was too late, the driver had already ordered his tenth "swift half" and was performing a duet of "Flower of Scotland" with a fellow from Glasgow he had met in the bar.

But, a replacement driver was found and, twenty three hours after departing from the north of Scotland, the plough arrived ... at Gatwick. The snow plow drivers union blamed management for the cock-up and management responded by locking out the union workers.

Meanwhile, back at London's Heathrow Airport, a jet full of ladies from the Whopping Lye Women's Institute were awaiting take-off for their annual Christmas duty-free shopping trip and general knees-up in Benidorm. Mrs Willis was the first to jump up when she heard the captain's announcement about the snow delay.

"Come on girls" she called and within two minutes seventy six women had donned headscarves, tucked a ciggy in the corner of their mouths, grabbed brooms and were industriously clearing the runway.

Footnote: Embarrassed officials at London's Meteorological Office have blamed "warm snow" for the travel disruption throughout Britain. A spokesman interviewed in the snug at the Red Lion next door to the Met Office was quoted saying that climate change will result in increasing amounts of warm snow falling on the United Queendom over the next few years.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Never Again Says England Boss

"We'll never bid again" says Andy Anson, captain of England's failed bid to host FIFA's World Cup competition in 2018.

"There is no point in England bidding again until FIFA changes its voting system" he went on to say. Investigative reporters for Blighty's Blog revealed that FIFA's price is just too high.

"We don't mind stuffing a few fivers in somebody's back pocket" said a spokesman who wished to remain anonymous "but these guys in Zurich are just asking too much. Britain is still in a recession you know".

Blighty's Blog tried asking further questions but the door with the number "10" on it abruptly closed in our reporter's face. However, another unpublished Wikileaks report that fell into our hands this week reveals that FIFA votes will soon be trading on exchanges in London, New York and Tokyo.

Friday, December 03, 2010

FIFA Boss to be Guest of Prince William

Blighty's Blog has learned that FIFA president Sepp Blatter is to be invited to Britain as a very special guest of Prince William.

Our Buckingham Palace correspondent, Elizabeth Scorgis, has learned that the prince has issued a personal invite to Mr Blatter following their meeting in Zurich this week during which England's bid to host the 2018 World Cup was soundly rejected.

The prince, we are told, wants to pay back Mr Blatter for the special treatment the England bid team received in Blatter's home country of Switzerland.

A special apartment is being prepared in the Tower of London where the FIFA supremo will be staying during his visit. The Tower, of course, was used in the past to house traitors during their trial and eventual execution.

Mr Blatter will be given ample opportunity to visit the dungeons and torture chambers where hapless victims once suffered terrible torments. He will even be invited to lay his head on the very same block used to execute many prominent and high profile prisoners during the Tower's long sordid history.

Mr Blatter's office in Zurich has expressed concern that FIFA's head will be cut off from day-to-day activities at FIFA headquarters in Zurich. The Prince's office has re-assured Zurich agreeing that it's head will be briefly cut off, but that Mr Blatter will be drawn to the attractions of the Tower and will want to hang around where he will be well quartered during his stay in Britain.

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson - Emperor of London

He has been called "the thinking man's idiot". Born in New York City (the one in America - not the one near Newcastle) he is a direct descendant of the last Grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire, Prince Paul of W├╝rttemberg, King George II and King James I. He claims Muslim, Jewish and Christian heritage.

He could easily earn a good living as a stand-up comedian but he currently works in London - as Lord Mayor. Of all the incumbents of Mansion House (official residence of the Lord Mayor of London), Boris Johnson is ... definitely one of them.

Johnson was educated at Eton and Balliol College Oxford and, not surprisingly, is a stalwart of the British Conservative party. Actually he is 8th cousin to current British Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron.

He is a journalist and author of several books including: Friends, Voters, Countrymen: Jottings on the Stump; Lend Me Your Ears; Have I Got Views For You; Have I Got Views For You and Seventy-Two Virgins.

Boris Johnson likes to clown around and is one of the most quoted politicians (albeit in the fumbling manner of America's Dan Quayle) on the 'net. One never knows whether some of his quotes were made tongue in cheek, but here is a sampling:

  • It is said that the Queen has come to love the Commonwealth, partly because it supplies her with regular cheering crowds of flag-waving picaninnies
  • The problem is not that we were once in charge, but that we are not in charge any more... 
  • What transaction happened here? Have I just bought your house?
  • Look the point is ... er, what is the point? It is a tough job but somebody has got to do it.
  • My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.
  • I can't remember what my line on drugs is. What's my line on drugs?
  • I could not fail to disagree with you less.
  • There may be a reason I can't think of but the problem with that reason is that I can't think of it now.
  • Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

British Leader David Beckham Goes for Goal

British leader David Beckham met with FIFA president Sepp Blatter in Zurich this week to discuss England's bid to host soccer's World Cup in 2018.

Beckham brought along two ball boys to help convince the supreme ruler of international soccer that, despite efforts by the BBC to sabotage England's bid, the Queendom has what it takes to be a good host. Beckham's assistants, Mr David Cameron - a resident of London - and Mr David Dein - head ball boy of the England 2018 bid sat quietly in the background while Beckham battled Blatter.

Earlier in the week BBC Television's Panorama program had pointed its blundering blunderbuss at FIFA officials, accusing three of them of accepting bribes.

Blighty's Blog soccer correspondent Penn Altekik, reporting from our European bureau in New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-upon-Tyne) has seen an as-yet unpublished secret Wikileaks document from Drowning Street instructing the BBC to offer bribes to FIFA officials.

The red-faced public broadcasting mandarins in Bush House apparently misinterpreted the message and "screwed everything up" reports Altekik.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Bishop Predicts Seven Year Itch

The marriage of "Big Ears and the Porcelain Doll" (referring to Prince Charles and Lady Diana) - to use the words penned by the Bishop of Willesden the Rt Rev Pete Broadbent - was a disaster in slow motion.

And so he predicted the marriage of William and Kate Middleton will encounter a seven year itch ... and be scratched!

The highly embarrassed bishop donned sackcloth and ashes in a big hurry when his remarks were made public this week. Now the wicked reverend has been forced to backtrack and issue a grovelling apology.

The Queen has declined to comment but one may be sure that she will cast a surly glower at the erring priest when she opens the General Synod of the Church of England this week.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I Slept on the Street Admits British PM

He may have posh digs now but life hasn't always been a bed of roses for British Prime Minister David Cameron. Blimey, it wasn't too long ago that the Conservative party leader was sleeping on the streets of London.

On hearing of the news of the betrothal of Prince William and Katherine (as she now likes to be called) Middleton, Cameron's eyes welled up with tears as he recounted one of those nights he spent sleeping on London's cold, damp streets.

The occasion was the night before the wedding of Prince William's parents Charles and Diana. Seeking to make the best of a bad situation, Cameron laid down his blanket on the cold, hard pavement outside Buckingham Palace so that he would get a good look at the royal couple as they swept by in their limousine after their wedding.

"God bless you sir, God bless you ma'am" he called out through the slit in the blanket he had tightly folded around himself to stay warm.

God's blessing may not have helped Charles and Diana but it rebounded in great measure on the poor wretch who went on to become the leader of sixty million people.

Prince William's engagement brought back strong feelings of nostalgia to Cameron as the news was broken to him in the cabinet room at Downing Street this week. Cameron enthusiastically led ministers in a boisterous round of excited table thumping amid cries of "I say, what a damned good show" and "jolly fine affair" and "that'll at least keep their bloody minds off their cancelled welfare payments".

Friday, November 19, 2010

Camilla will be Queen - Charles

While the rest of the world speculates on whether Prince William will be next to ascend the throne instead of Charles, the Prince of Wales has raised the spectre of Camilla becoming his queen when he becomes king.

Charles is lawfully next in line to accept the orb and sceptre from the Archbishop of Canterbury, but three things weigh against him enjoying his big day in Westminster Abbey.

First, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II - his mum - is remarkably healthy for an octagenarian. She may well beat Queen Victoria's record of a nearly 64 year reign. Elizabeth ascended the throne in 1953 and will take the biscuit in the year 2017. Charles will be 69 years old in 2017.

Second, Charles is not universally popular. His public statements and his often controversial opinions have led to a popular perception that he is an elitist. His son William, on the other hand, is perceived to be a man of the people.

Third, Charles' first wife, Diana was enormously popular. Rumours of Charles' extra-marital assignations with Camilla who was subsequently to be his second wife have not been well received by the public. It was the public's expectation that Camilla would assume the title of Princess Consort if and when her husband became king. But now Charles has really set the cat among the pigeons by declaring that Camilla shall be his queen.

Long live Queen Elizabeth!

NB: This post is intended to be satirical. No disrespect is intended toward any member of the Royal Family.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Oh Happy Day!

Oh happy day indeed! Prince William and long time girlfriend Kate Middleton are to be wed. Royal weddings are always a big event in the United Queendom but this one is very special indeed for the long-suffering British people. Her Majesty's government has decided to make the royal wedding day into another public holiday.

Blighty's Blog received a report from our correspondent at Buckingham Palace, Elizabeth Scorgis, saying the royal couple had been dogged with questions about how to relieve the suffering of the peasants in the streets of Merrie England. "A day off!" beamed Prince William as he sat down for high tea in the big house at the end of The Mall. "I say what a splendid idea darling!" replied his betrothed.

And so it came to pass that the embattled peasants, so recently separated from their beloved welfare payments by their cruel masters in government, were given emotional sustenance to aid them in carrying their heavy burden.

"God bless you ma'am, God bless you sir" blurted one shoeless wretch lying in the street amid the last of the dry autumn leaves whipped up by the cold, sharp November wind as the royal couple swept by in their limousine ...

... continued on page 96.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Health & Safety Mate!

Her Britannic Majesty's government has determined that military brass band music is detrimental to health. An article published on the BBC website today reveals that military bandsmen have been ordered to wear earplugs because the volume of their instruments could lead to hearing impairment.

The military musicians tend to disagree arguing that if they can no longer clearly hear what they are playing the music be out of tune. But the RNID (Royal National Institute for the Deaf) has turned a deaf ear to their protests and fully supports the government.

Meanwhile the RNIB (Royal National Institute for the Blind) is keeping an eye on the situation and may soon be petitioning the government to make the bandsmen wear sunglasses to protect them from the intense glare of sunlight reflecting from the highly polished brass instruments.

The government Health & Safety Executive is also considering extending the protection requirements to band audiences. Government spokesman Tony Deff-Dummanblind told Blighty's Blog that public safety is "of paramount concern" to HM Government.

Meanwhile, our Westminster correspondent T. Hames told Blighty's Blog that Conservative prime minister David Cameron has denied reports that the onerous new regulations were the result of a terrible bureaucratic misunderstanding. A rumour circulating in Whitehall suggests that a junior Tory staffer thought the surname of new Labour Party leader Ed Miliband was an abbreviation for "Military band".

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The UK's New Simple Tax Plan

God bless Her Majesty's taxmen. They have a cunning new plan to simplify the tax system in the United Queendom. It is very simple indeed really. "Give us all the money you earn; we will take the government's share off the top and hand you the rest as your pocket money".

Admittedly, Blighty's Blog has been known to elaborate or invent stories in the past. But that is not the case with this story. This is a real, bona-fide plan by Her Majesty's taxmen; it was reported in today's online version of Britain's Daily Express newspaper.

Stunning in its simplicity, this innovative plan will avoid any possibility of future embarrassing government errors, such as the recent one in which thousands of taxpayers received a huge bill because the government had miscalculated their source deductions.

The official responsible for the tax department's error refused to apologize until an angry mob held him upside down from an open window above the frosty waters of the River Thames in London.

Is it Really Such a Bad Idea?
On reflection, wouldn't it be nice not to have to worry about money? Why not let the taxman take it all and then ask the government to provide us with housing, food and everything else we need? We could line up outside the government office for bread on Mondays, milk on Tuesdays ...

... continued on page 94

Monday, September 13, 2010

Newsflash from New York

Blighty's Blog is keeping a close watch on New York for the latest breaking news. In a recent post we unveiled details of our three latest news bureaus in New York, Washington and Philadelphia. New York is the first bureau to report.

Most people know where New York is located, but for the geographically challenged, here are the directions. Take the A19 north from Newcastle-upon-Tyne until you reach the A191 (New York Road) at West Allotment. Turn right and you will be there in no time at all.

Blighty's Blog head office in the heart of Orangeville, Ontario, Canada has its finger on the pulse of New York. We ran an update check on the official New York website at: http://www.ukvillages.co.uk/Place/19883/New+York-Tyne+and+Wear.

Hot off the New York website, here is what is happening as our presses begin to roll:
  • Events: 0
  • Societies and Groups: 0
  • Businesses: 0

So there you have it. It's a quiet newsday in New York so we return you now to the studio.

PS: The website at http://www.ukvillages.co.uk is a good resource for researching other places that may be contributing somewhat more to the heartbeat of modern Britain.

Friday, September 03, 2010

New York, Philadelphia, Washington

Strategic Underground Operations Hub
In a continuing effort to bring the latest news to readers, Blighty's Blog has opened satellite bureaus in New York, Washington and Philadelphia. The new bureaus will file stories through an operations hub in the basement of a building on Newbottle Street in Houghton-le-Spring in the northeast of England.

But Why New York, Philadelphia and Washington? 
Blighty's Blog chose these locations due to their strategic importance. New York is just off the A19 with easy access to the Tyne Tunnel in Newcastle. Philadelphia is on the A182 just outside Sunderland and Washington is at the important junction between the A1231 and A1(M) with direct access to the Great North Road.

From their strategic location in the basement operations hub on Newbottle Street, our correspondents can be on-station in the three new bureaus within minutes.

Breaking News from Newbottle Street
Reports are already coming down the wire of a link between a secret building in the northeast of England and the Governor General of Canada. The mysterious structure sits atop a hill near Philadelphia. More details in a later bulletin.

The wire is now buzzing with news of a series of tragedies affecting a local family of aristocrats with links to Canada. Details are sketchy at this stage but early reports talk of missing cattle and small children ... and a large serpent ...

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

British PM Takes Paternity Leave

New British Prime Minister David Cameron has been keeping a dark secret from the people of the United Queendom. Elected by the merest squeak of a majority only four months ago, the British supremo has now surprised the world by taking his hand off the tiller to be a new daddy.

Yes, following the birth of his new daughter Florence Rose Endellion Cameron, the PM will be exercising his statutory right to take parental leave.

Rumours that the country will be governed from European Union offices in Brussels while Captain Cameron is busy changing nappies have not yet been confirmed by Blighty's Blog.

And a spokesperson for Deputy PM Nick Clegg has dismissed another rumour that, while in charge at Downing Street, young Nick will pass an Order-in-Council forcing all public servants (which includes the PM) to take a mandatory year's parental leave - effective immediately.

But, the big secret is not that the Conservative Captain was planning to take maternity leave as soon as he was elected. Blighty's Blog Buckingham Palace correspondent Elizabeth Scorgis uncovered the shattering real truth during a visit by the Tory Titan to the Palace this week.

The real reason for the PM's leave of absence is not about helping First Lady Samantha Cameron change diapers; Mr Cameron wants to spend some quality time with his new puppy Foo-Foo.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

British Isles Moving East?

The self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Newspaper", Britain's Daily Express is championing an initiative that will see the entire British Isles move an hour further east - um, at least that's what we think the plan is. Dubbed "double summer time" this bold move will jig British clocks to lengthen daylight hours, create jobs, generate billions in extra revenue for British business ... and confuse the entire British public - and maybe the world.

Here is how it will work:
Instead of turning the clocks back this fall, the United Queendom will maintain British Summer Time which will then become standard time for Britain. In the spring of next year clocks will move forward another hour and then drop back an hour the following fall.

In the Mean Time ... in Greenwich
What will happen to Greenwich Mean Time? GMT has been defined as the time on the Greenwich Meridian which runs through ... well Greenwich actually. It is a reference point for time around the world. Standard time in the United Queendom is GMT except in the summer time when British clocks leap forward an hour. If Britain adopts Double Summer Time the whole country will always be at least an hour ahead of GMT - which is the time in Greenwich ... in Britain. Is this a case of Britain getting ahead of itself?

Fifteen Degrees of Separation
There are 24 timezones around the globe which means that time changes by one hour for every 15 degrees of longitude (roughly speaking). If the United Queendom moves an hour east (which would put Britain temporally into central Europe) repercussions will be felt around the world. Every other country will have to move it's time east to maintain global symmetry.

The Canadian Solution
Here is the problem in a nutshell - the whole of Britain fits into one timezone. Solving Britain's problem is easy. All the British have to do is emigrate to Canada! We have more timezones than you can shake a canoe paddle at. Want more daylight? Follow the Sun west. Or (in the summer) go north - way north. In Canada's Nunavut you get 24 hours of daylight for weeks and weeks and weeks every summer.

So here is the deal Britain. Come and live in Nunavut - there are millions of acres of sun-basked territory in which you can settle. For at least three long months every year we can guarantee that the Sun won't set on the British Empire.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

"That's the way to do it" says Canadian Government

The Fools on the Hill (aka the Government of Canada) are working tirelessly to protect Canadians from extremely dangerous substances that could seriously endanger their health. The Canadian Fool Inspection Agency recently intercepted and destroyed one particularly nasty substance.

The substance in question is a very nasty toxin originating in the United Queendom called Bisto Best Beef Gravy granules. Hazmat suited officials raided Pugwash the Pirate's warehouse in Toronto recently and carted off a shipment of this horrible toxin. The granules were taken to a government-approved destruction facility where, behind windowless concrete walls, they were securely destroyed by dissolving them in hot water.

Pugwash was billed hundreds of dollars to compensate HM Canadian Government for the costs of destroying the nasty little granules.

On the other side of the Atlantic Pond Bisto gravies have a 93% market share of annual gravy sales amounting to £91 million. Blighty's Blog understands that the annual British mortality rate from consuming Bisto gravy is less than one person.

Canada Fool Inspection Agency spokesperson, Mr P. Unch defended the raid on Pugwash's import warehouse in Toronto as "a necessary step to protect Canadians", adding "that's the way to do it!".

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Free Eurotunnel Roundtrip!!!

Eurotunnel has just completed trials of a new service it believes will get the travelling public very, very excited.

Le Chunnel, completed at a cost of gazillions of Euros now offers travellers a uniquely thrilling experience that is sure to create a lot of excitement. Passengers will drive onto the new super trains and be transported through the giant sub-aqueous sandstone wormhole below the English Channel.

Entering the tunnel near Folkestone on the English side of the Channel, their journey will take them all the way to ... Folkestone, on the English side of the Channel. Eurotunnel's marketing department spokesman Monsieur Zut Alors told Blighty's Blog that the journey is FREE and that passengers who enjoy the trip will even be given a free ticket for a future journey through the tunnel in which they will actually be able to disembark on the French side.

Reports in the British press that the "marketing trial" was actually a cock-up in which French officials failed to notice that some vehicles had not been unloaded from the train in Calais were denied by Eurotunnel. Eurotunnel's Calais port boss Monsieur Taber Nacque stands by his story of an innovative marketing trial but insisted that the trial is complete and will not be repeated.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Hurrah, lots and lots of money!

Cor, struth! ... must be nice. Nice to work for the bloomin' British guvnorment I mean. It seems the fat cats who sit on the velvet benches in the Palace of Westminster have been feathering their own nests a little too finely. Her Majesty's civil servants have been equally unfettered with any reticence to insert their probosces into the public trough.

MPs and public servants have awarded themselves 24 carat pension plans that good old Britannia cannot afford to pay. Figures released by the new unholy alliance in power at 10 Downing Street show that every household in Britain is on the hook for ... wait for it ... TWENTY-NINE THOUSAND POUNDS to cover the over ONE TRILLION POUNDS funding shortfall for public pensions. Cor Blimey mate!

Well, now the bubble has burst. MPs pensions are being rolled back and the British government is facing pressure to act on inflated public sector pensions too.

One sign of the excesses hit the front pages of the British press today. A gypsy woman who was employed as an "inclusivity outreach worker" by two of London's borough councils has been apprehended by constables for excessive zeal in withdrawing funds from the public purse. She and an accomplice (who is already enjoying free board and lodging in one of Her Majesty's boarding houses for bandits) sought to fill their wagons with twelve million paper portraits of the Queen.

Gawd luv a duck. The old land of hope and glory has gawn bonkers, absolutely bonkers. Tsk ... tsk.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

FIFA Announces Goal-Line Technology

FIFA officials have been very bashful about a new goal-line technology they have been working on. It involves the use of cameras to determine whether a soccer ball has crossed the goal line. When the technology has been perfected it will allow referees to decide whether a disputed decision should be upheld or overturned.

Blighty's Blog's World Cup correspondent in South Africa - Mr Veva Zulu - has obtained an image taken by an experimental FIFA goal line camera clearly showing that England's disallowed goal in the game against Germany definitely did NOT cross the line.

FIFA did not allow this image to influence the referee's decision because the equipment still has some minor glitches that need to be ironed out.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

Ryanair ... ahem ... "seats" for a fiver

Michael "crazy man" O'Leary, the insane head of Ryanair has just given new meaning to the term "standby" when it comes to cut-throat priced air travel. Yes, you will be able to catch a Ryanair flight for as little as £5, but how many will actually want to?

You see, Mr O'Leary plans to transform "standby" into "standfly". Okay, Blighty's Blog does have a reputation for satirical exaggeration, but this story actually appeared in Britain's Daily Telegraph newspaper this morning. Ryanair plans to remove ten rows of seats from the rear of its aircraft and replace them with "standing seats". And if these "standing seats" give passengers such a fright as to make them need to use the lavatories they will have to drop a coin in the slot to go in and relieve themselves.

When Blighty's Blog heard this story we sent an investigative hack to dig out more details. Our man in Dublin, Hava Guinness, met with a group of Ryanair employees at their local hostelry for a 10 course liquid dinner. As the evening wore on more and more details emerged of madman O'Leary's plans to fill the sky with his Eire planes.

New Fleet of Aircraft
Ryanair plans to sell off its fleet of modern jet aircraft and replace them with a fleet of biplanes that will cost next to nothing to acquire and operate. Although the new planes will have less seating capacity than the jets, Ryanair plans to go with an all standing floor plan that will cram as many gullible cheapskates as possible into its flying Irish sardine cans.

In order to maximize the capacity of each flight even the new "standing seats" will be replaced with leather grab straps hanging from aircraft ceilings.

Elimination of Lavatory Charges
The newly implemented lavatory charges will be eliminated. Asked why Ryanair would reverse this controversial and unpopular charge so quickly, a Ryanair employee explained that there won't actually be any onboard lavatories. "Lavatories use too much floor space" he explained, "we can squeeze another six punters into the space where the lavatories stood".

Elimination of Aircrew
In a further move designed to increase capacity on its routes Ryanair will re-examine the need for aircrew. Ryanair is looking into whether it actually needs pilots on board its aircraft. In future Ryanair flights may be operated by ground-based pilots operating the aircraft by radio control. It will then be possible to eliminate cockpits creating space for another twenty standing passengers.

Elimination of Stopovers
In examining its operating costs Ryanair has determined that airport landing charges are a significant burden on its bottom line. These charges can be reduced dramatically by eliminating stopovers on long haul flights. A solution has been found that eliminates stopovers while further increasing capacity on its routes.

In the future one or more passenger-carrying gliders will be towed behind each Ryanair plane. Each glider will have an all-standing capacity of thirty-six passengers. As the flight passes stopover destinations gliders will be uncoupled and allowed to land in a convenient field near the destination city.

Elimination of Landing Charges
In fact Ryanair has another plan to eliminate airport landing charges completely by passing them onto passengers. Passengers will be charged a "carriage fee" for taking them to their destination but will them be asked to pay a "landing charge". Passengers who decline to pay the landing charge will be offered the use of a parachute for a nominal fee.

Al Fresco Seating
Ryanair has determined that the wing surfaces of its new fleet of biplanes could become an underutilized resource and has drafted a plan to install more leather grabs straps along the wings. An employee, who wished to remain anonymous, opined that passengers might actually enjoy the great view and fresh air in these "Al Fresco Seats".

Elimination of Airport Delays and Frustration
One of the biggest costs to Ryanair and sources of frustration and inconvenience to passengers is the use of large, modern  international airports. Ryanair recognizes the inconvenience to passengers of having to travel to the airport, pay exorbitant parking charges and be subjected to long delays and security checks.

In the future, Ryanair's passengers will be able to book a flight then wait outside their own front door for pickup. As their flight passes overhead a rope will be lowered ...

... continued on page 96

Monday, June 28, 2010

England Squad to be Lynched on Arrival in UK?

Following their crushing defeat by Germany in South Africa, England players are understandably reluctant to rush back home to the United Queendom where they fully expect to be lynched by angry mobs.

We understand their plane stopped at a secret location in Africa for a friendly match against a team called Theirown Shadows. Sadly England lost that match too. England striker Wayne Rooney who gave a Churchillian salute to photographers through the window of the team bus as the players left South Africa told reporters about the game.

"In the first half we had the Sun on our backs and the Shadows just seemed to stick to us like glue. In the second half the Shadows were behind us everywhere we ran. Our players just couldn't shake them."

Now Blighty's Blog has heard a rumour that Argentinian sports entrepreneur Anne Kidney has been in London talking to the FA about buying a stake in the team.

Blighty's Blog understands that the FA will release all the players from England's South African squad. The players will then be transferred to Argentinian side Fray Bentos. Ms Kidney's stake in the team was established last week following a secret meeting with FA officials in which a substantial sum of money changed hands.

Details are sketchy at this stage but a private memo, in Spanish, passed to Blighty's Blog by our correspondent in Buenos Aires, Mal Vinas, was hastily translated by our staff in Canada; it reads:
"England team now Fray Bentos Stake Anne Kidney prize."

Thursday, June 17, 2010

England Will Win World Cup for First Time Since 1066: FIFA Spokesman Vuvu Zela

England's confident World Cup team issued a bold statement in South Africa this morning. "We will win it all" claims a secret change room informant who wishes to remain anonymous but is, in fact, a Mr Alfred Ramsey of Dagenham, Essex.

Tension is already building between the English and German teams as they anticipate a tense replay of the grudge match in the 1066 World Cup final where the good guys beat the bad guys 4-2 in overtime at the old Wembley Stadium.

Questions have been raised about the rivalry between the two national teams such as: "was it really as long ago as 1066 when England last won the World Cup?" Soccer spokesman Mr Phut Ball of Bradford, Yorkshire explains: "yes, I learn about it in school; 1066 very big year for England."

Blighty's Blog's investigative reporter Sikh Andyeshallfind contacted FIFA at their office in South Africa to confirm the date of England's last win. We understand the telephone connection was very noisy and the conversation was hard to follow, but a FIFA spokesperson identifying himself as a Mr Vuvu Zela confirmed the date as "@#&*^%$66, yes it was @#&*^%$66".

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

I don't have an accent!

An elderly English gentleman was walking along the road one day. He looked rather weary and leaned heavily on his cane as he struggled along in the summer heat. The local vicar was returning home in his car along the same road. When he saw the old man he pulled over and wound down his car window.

"I say" called the vicar to the old man; "can I give you a lift?"

"No thanks" the man replied, "I live in a bungalow".

It's okay to wince; it really wasn't a good joke and it would have been entirely lost on citizens of the Excited States to whom a building lift is an "elevator".

Several years ago I visited New Orleans on business (long before Katrina the wicked wind goddess of the Atlantic destroyed the city). One morning I found myself inside the hotel lift/elevator with a gentleman and his wife. The gentleman gestured towards the buttons on the wall and inquired as to which floor I wanted.

"Fourth floor please" I responded.

The gentleman's wife's face lit up as she turned towards me and loudly proclaimed - in a broad southern drawl - "Oh! you have an accent!!!!"

Had I been thinking quickly I might have replied "and I presume that you, madam, speak standard English". But I missed the moment.

Being of a cockney persuasion myself, I was given to teasing my Manchester born wife about her accent. "I don't have an accent" she would protest in a broad Lancashire dialect. I still tease today but she no longer denies it - she drives a Hyundai Accent.

Anywhere in Canada except the Maritimes, you can drive two thousand miles without hearing any significant change in dialect. In Britain you can sometimes drive as much as a hundred miles before the dialect changes so completely that you need a translator to communicate.

It certainly hasn't escaped the attention of the folks at George Mason University in the Excited States that English is spoken around the world with a huge variety of local dialects. In fact they have a database that currently has 1290 variations. You can listen to them all by visiting the university's Speech Accent Archive. I say, th'can listen t'them all b'visiting the university's Speech Accent Archive th'knows.

Monday, May 10, 2010

UK Election - Hope Emerges

As predicted in this blog a couple of weeks ago, the entire UK parliament has been hung following an indecisive general election.

Britain had been expecting a hung parliament after numerous polls revealed that the British people really can't make up their minds which party they want in power. Now the election is over and the men with bowler hats and umbrellas are squabbling over who should be the new tenant of #10 Downing Street.

But, Blighty's Blog has uncovered a sinister plot to throw them all out of office. It has been revealed exclusively to Blighty's Blog by our Buckingham Palace correspondent Elizabeth Scorgis that Her Majesty the Queen has sent for Monster Raving Loony Party leader Alan "Howling Laud" Hope.

Our correspondent relayed news of  the unexpected move, to our UK office in Whopping Lye, England this week as soon as HM's summons had been sent out.

Blighty's Blog contacted the press office at Buckingham Palace (pictured - courtesy of Freefoto.com) to confirm the news.

We were told by a lady-in-waiting that our source must be "barking mad". "The Palace is constantly dogged by this kind of nonsense" she complained.

But Elizabeth Scorgis is standing by the story. Blighty's Blog has a team of reporters camped out by the palace gates ready to bring more news of this bold and dramatic move by the sovereign to end Britain's post-election power vacuum.

Meanwhile, "Howling Laud" Hope (pictured, courtesy www.omrlp.com) gave the following comments to Blighty's Blog:
Many of our ideas and policies first ridiculed for being “Silly” “Loony” or just plain daft have now become the Law of the land. 
It remains unclear whether the unelected Howlin Laud will make the trip up The Mall to see the Queen and, indeed, whether Her Majesty will invite him to form a government, but one thing is clear - there is Hope for British politics.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Cameron Closes in on #10

According to today's edition of Britain's Daily Torygraph newspaper, Conservative leader David Cameron is closing in on a deal that will send him straight to 10 Downing Street as Britain's next prime minister following the general election May 6th.

A jubilant Samantha Cameron, pictured here alongside her husband on the campaign trail is so excited that - at last - she will be able to visit the hairdresser more often.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Complete Twit

A story in this week's International Express newspaper caught the eye of the editor at Blighty's Blog's global headquarters today. A man in England has been arrested by her Britannic Majesty's constables for driving while under the influence of alcohol.

Sharp-eyed bobbies apprehended the 40 year old man driving on the road outside his home with twice the legal limit of alcohol in his bloodstream. He was hauled before the magistrate and banned from driving for three years.

The driver caught the attention of the men-in-blue because his knees were sticking up out of the top of his car. The vehicle in question was a toy Barbie car capable of a top speed of around four miles per hour. The six-foot tall former RAF engineer had been working on the car with his son and had blown the froth off a couple of cold ones while doing so.

Describing himself as "a complete twit" he was, nevertheless, shocked at being charged with drunk-driving. Blighty's Blog motoring correspondent Cy Linder reports that constables all over the United Queendom have been issued with shiny new truncheons and sent out to patrol the roads of Britain to prevent a rash of copy-cat crimes being committed by fathers of small children throughout the realm.

There are believed to be several thousand Barbie cars in Britain. The public has been urged to look out for them. They are easy to identify - they are all pink and very, very small.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

UK Airspace Re-Opens

Exclusive story filed by Blighty's Blog European aerospace correspondent Upup Andaway.
Congestion is slowly easing at British airports today as UK airspace officially reopened following the recent eruption of an Icelandic volcano.

I was at Heathrow early this morning to gauge the reaction of the travelling public.

"I don't know what all the fuss was about" said one passenger arriving from Oslo, Norway. "The captain was able to restart the engines with no trouble at all once we dropped below ten thousand feet. My kids really enjoyed the steep descent when the engines cut out in the sky over the North Sea. They thought it was a more exciting ride than the roller coasters at Euro Disney."

"And what about the onboard service during the flight?" I asked. "Was it up to the usual standard?"

"Oh, much, much better than usual" the passenger replied. "The cabin crew were very quick to hand out hot towels so we could clean the ash off our faces before landing. And the meals were served in special containers with flip-up lids so we wouldn't get our food seasoned with it."

"What was on the in-flight menu?" I inquired.

"I was really pleased with the food" the passenger went on; "they served blackened Icelandic cod with black-eyed peas followed by a special dessert of an unusual spotted dick pudding; it was delicious."

So there you have it, things are back to normal for European air travellers. The British Airports Authority is working around the clock to clear the backlog of stranded passengers. A spokesman for BAA said "somebody had better move that damn clock out of the way, we are sick and tired of working around it. Some of us are going to have to stay at work past five o'clock this afternoon at this rate."

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

UK Election: Pudding Club Fraud Exposed

Following a ground-breaking effort of investigative journalism, Blighty's Blog can now reveal the shocking truth in this exclusive breaking story about the UK general election.

Nobody is going to pull the wool over the eyes of a sharp electorate in the Land of Hope and Glory. Not even the cunning Camerons of the Conservative Party. Tory leader David Cameron is shooting for the top job in 10 Downing Street by winning the election on May 6th.

In a bid to show off his human side at the hustings, Mr Cameron has revealed that his wife Samantha is pregnant. She is expected to give birth to a tiny true blue-blooded tory in the coming months. But cynical British voters suspect that smiling Samantha's pregnancy is just a little too conveniently timed.

The British public were right to be suspicious! Our British beach correspondent, Don Key, sent us this shocking photo that shows exactly how Samantha Cameron gained enough weight to fake her pregnancy.

Now it is a wide open election that any party can win. Who will be the tenant in number ten on May 7th? Will it be Ghastly Gordon Brown back for another term with a genuine personal mandate at last? Or will it be Dastardly David Cameron? Is it possible that young Nick Clegg of the Liberal-Democrats will squeeze up through the middle to steal the election from the grown-ups?

Our political correspondent Neve Ron Sun-Dae in Whopping Lye, England is working on another story that reveals how Nick Clegg is soldiering on with his campaign despite suffering a serious personal injury. Stay tuned to Blighty's Blog; this is going to be one hell of a race.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Britain to Get Hung Parliament?

British prime minister Gordon Brown pulled the plug on his unpopular government today. A general election will be held on 6th May.

Pundits in the Land of Hope and Glory are forecasting a hung parliament. Blighty's Blog UK political correspondent, Spoyl Yerballot took to the streets of Whopping Lye, England to conduct a Blighty's Blog pre-election poll.

"I'm voting for the Monster Raving Loony Party" said a voter interviewed outside the Kings Head pub in downtown Whopping Lye just after closing time.

"I heard we're getting a hung parliament" said another voter, blowing the froth from the last hastily consumed mug of ale off his beard. "Those buggers have been feathering their own nests with our tax money for too long. Hung parliament? I say hanging's too good for 'em".

Moving on to the constituency of Barking in London where Monster Raving Loony Party candidate Crucial Chris Dowling is standing against British National Party leader Nick Griffin, our correspondent uncovered a different mood.

"Don't make no difference" complained one voter on his way to work. The voter, who wished to remain anonymous, has been working as a street financial contribution officer for over 30 years. "Don't matter who gets in" he continued, "I'll still be there with m'nice warm blanket and me collection cap on the 'igh street."

Meanwhile, in David Cameron's riding of Witney, where Monster Raving Loony Party candidate Howling 'Laud' Hope is challenging the Tory leader, the mood of the voters seemed to be in favour of the challenger. As one voter put it: "at last we have a chance to elect politicians who are completely honest. Only one of Britain's political parties is willing to admit they are stark, raving bonkers; I'm all for honesty in politics, so they have my vote."

Footnote from our editor at Blighty's Blog headquarters in Canada:
In British politics a "hung parliament" is one in which no party holds an absolute majority - a rare event in the United Queendom. In Canada we call it a "minority government".

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Brown: Commonwealth to be Dissolved

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown sent shockwaves around the world today with a terse announcement that Her Majesty's Government has petitioned Buckingham Palace to assent to the immediate dissolution of the Commonwealth.

Speaking to a stunned audience in Stockholm, Sweden, where he is attending a conference of European leaders, Brown asserted his government's view that Britain's future lies with its European partners rather than with the vestigial remnants of a commonwealth rooted in Victorian imperialism.

"We cannot forget" he told a large group of reporters gathered for the hastily called, early morning press conference, "that the British Commonwealth is the dying relic of Victoria's Empire". This government wishes to distance itself from the unbridled militarism that swept across two-thirds of the globe, brazenly subjugating defenceless third world nations and confiscating their natural resources."

"I have been to Buckingham Palace and asked Her Majesty to affix her signature to an order-in-council prepared by my ministers that will act as an instrument to begin the immediate dismantling and dissolution of the British Commonwealth."

Calls to the office of Mr David Cameron, leader of the British Conservative Party, have not been returned but a contact inside the party reports to Blighty's Blog that Mr Cameron is "speechless and frothing at the mouth with distress".

At the conference was the Swedish bureau chief for the BBC (Blighty's Blog Correspondents) Sven Parilofol. Sven relayed his story through Blighty's Blog's European headquarters in Whopping Lye, England. A tape filed with the report contains some candid comments made by Brown after the conference microphone was turned off. Among some muffled and distorted audio captured by our correspondent, Mr Brown is heard to say: "all these bloody colonials can just sod off for all I care."

Footnote from the editor at Blighty's Blog headquarters in Canada:
Canadian colonials may be aware that the British government has fought against the indexing of British pensions paid to expats throughout the Commonwealth. After many and repeated legal avenues ending in doors slamming shut, the British government has finally won the last battle. Expats hoping to enjoy the same pension rights as expats in non-Commonwealth countries, have been handed a very final legal instruction to "now sod off!"

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A Pony Per Day - Now Cough Up!

I really trust the big banks. No really, I do. They make it perfectly clear they are going to hang me upside down and shake every loose cent out of my pockets. And they can be 100% trusted to do just that. Yes, "banking can be this comfortable". Especially if you work on the top floor of a 68-storey downtown tower and spend your days drooling over your multimillion dollar bonus.

But, hey, Canadian banks are benevolent sweethearts compared to the United Queendom's voracious banking system. One of the big Britbanks advertises "our managers are always here to help you". I experienced their brand of helpfulness during a recent trip to the Queendom.

I had taken the precaution of buying some British money before leaving Canada but most of it was in large bills. No problem, I thought. I strolled into a branch of the friendly Yorkshire Bank and asked them if they would be so kind as to exchange my £100 notes for something smaller.

The teller looked at me from behind the bulletproof glass screen with an air of deep suspicion. "Do you bank with us?" she inquired. "No" I replied. I could sense her hand moving towards the secret panic button that would silently summon a squad of anti-terror police armed to the teeth with automatic weapons.

"Why don't you go to your own bank? she asked. "It's in Toronto" I said; "I am visiting from Canada and I need some smaller bills that I can spend in the shops". A manager was summoned. "I am sorry" came the authoritative voice from the safety of her shelter behind the gunfire wall; "if you don't bank with us we can't help you." I imagined that she probably silently added something to the effect of "now bugger off back to Canada you dangerous and ugly little foreigner".

That same nasty little yorkshire bank, by the way, gouges its customers with huge fees in a reverse Robin Hood sort of way. They have a policy of setting an "agreed overdraft limit". If you fall on hard times and exceed your agreed limit they levy a fee of a pony (twenty five pounds) per day (yes... PER DAY!). Loan sharking in the United Queendom is perfectly legal it seems and Britain's chartered banks are the Great Whites of the high street

There is a saying in Yorkshire: "where there's muck there's money". At the Yorkshire Bank that should be reversed to "where there's money there's muck". The bank's motto is "always thinking". Yorkshire Bank customers' motto is "always sinking".

On the same theme, Blighty's Blog's London city desk editor Ben Bigge filed a timely story this week concerning another big British bank. Barclay's president Bob Diamond (a native of the Excited States who runs the Britbank from his office in New York City) received a total remuneration package worth £66 million last year. Jolly good show, old chap.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

World Cup: Sharks vs Hooligans

Shocking News from South Africa
In the run up to the start of this summer's World Cup soccer competition in South Africa, Blighty's Blog has uncovered a devilish plan to thwart trouble from English soccer hooligans.

Britain's press reported yesterday that South African authorities will be employing extra shark-spotters to protect visiting soccer fans. The waters around South Africa are notoriously infested with fan-eating sharks and World Cup organizers are concerned that local Great Whites may target visiting soccer tourists.

British Fans to Get Special Treatment
The official press story that broke yesterday omitted key details that Blighty's Blog has been able to uncover. Our South Africa correspondent Pik Dawinna has dug up a sinister sub-plot to the main story. In this Blighty's Blog exclusive we reveal the rest of the story.

It is true, South Africa is indeed recruiting extra shark-spotters during this summer's competition. But their real job is to steer the Great Whites toward a special beach reserved for British soccer hooligans. Beach patrol officials will then place hundreds of crates of lager along the beach.

Funding for the covert operation has reportedly been received from several European soccer federations who have hosted British soccer hooligans during previous competitions.

Story filed through Blighty's Blog's European bureau in Whopping Lye, England.

"Spot the ball!!!"

Sunday, March 14, 2010

What a Lovely Morning for a War

The British Isles were invaded and occupied several times throughout history. Now the British people can be extraordinarily patient, but the time comes when enough is enough.

English gentlemen of the Middle Ages took horse to save the Holy Land from the Saracens. Then during the Hundred Years War (which actually took 116 years to complete) it was found to be profitable to hop on the channel ferry, bully a few Gauls and bring some back to be held for ransom.

But it didn't always go swimmingly well for what the Brits - for some strange reason - refer to as their "Millet Tree". Mad King George and his redcoats were sent packing by the American colonists. Actually, if truth be told, the redcoats were a determined force and were on the point of overwhelming the Americans until the latter formed an alliance with the French. Payback time for the French came during the Napoleonic Wars when the Duke of Wellington trounced "Boney" and his perfumed warriors.

Queen Victoria is currently Britain's longest serving monarch. During her long reign she built a huge empire covering two thirds of the globe. Victoria waged war on many countries, including Zanzibar.

The war with Zanzibar commenced at two minutes past nine on the morning of 27th August 1896. Royal Navy gunboats fired on the town disabling the defending gun emplacements. A naval battle ensued resulting in the sinking of the defending nation's Royal Yacht.

The Zanzibar army sustained 500 casualties but only one British sailor was wounded.  The war raged on for a long, drawn out thirty eight minutes. The defenders fought back with artillery and machine guns but at 9:40 the same morning a victory for the Empire was assured and the British officers retired to their mess on board the Royal navy flagship for a nice cup of tea and a couple of biscuits.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Oops ... Wrong Bridge!

Image: "London Bridge" in Lake Havasu City, Arizona.

A brilliant TV series from the United Queendom was aired in Canada a few years ago. It was called "Auf Wiedersehen Pet". It told the story of a bunch of hapless entrepreneurs from the north-east of England who sold Middlesbrough's transporter bridge to a native American band in Arizona.

Dismantling of the bridge was shown on TV and the series culminated - following a hilarious story - in the reconstruction of the bridge in the Arizona desert. Filming of the show led viewers to believe that the bridge had really been moved - which was not the case. The Middlesbrough Transporter Bridge is an unusual yet magnificent structure that still operates carrying vehicles across the River Tees.

Of course, the idea was not entirely original. In fact the show may have been a poke in the ribs at an oil executive from the Excited States who, in 1971, paid more than two million dollars to buy London Bridge and ship it to the US of A.

Now American tourists can drive across the old London Bridge without ever leaving the land they love. Except it just isn't true!

You see, the man from Missouri who bought the bridge thought he was buying Tower Bridge. London Bridge (not even the original bridge, but one of a series of bridges that have spanned the Thames at that location) was a rather boring stone structure that was only 140 years old and needed to be replaced anyway. Tower Bridge - often mistaken for London Bridge - is a magnificent structure that is an iconic representation of London.

London City Council denied they sold the American oilman the wrong bridge. The oil baron from Missouri cheerfully shipped and rebuilt his bridge across a canal in Lake Havasu, Arizona where it is the central attraction of an ersatz English tourist centre. Except even that part of the story isn't completely true.

The reality is that the man from Missouri built a new concrete bridge and merely used stone cladding from the old London Bridge to cover the concrete. Most of the stone from the old London Bridge is now lying at the bottom of a flooded quarry in Devon, England.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Off with his head!

The British do get so excited about their fox-hunting. Some like to dress up in jaunty little outfits called "hunting pink" (although they are actually scarlet-coloured) and charge around the countryside in an activity they describe as "riding to hounds". Their objective is to capture and violate - with extreme prejudice - the animal rights of the local fox population.

Other British people, on the other hand, choose to view fox hunting as a disgusting, inhumane and thoroughly despicable activity that should be - and has been - banned by the English and Scottish parliaments.

Fox hunting is primarily an activity led by the rich, landed gentry. Commoners are allowed to participate but when the law banning fox hunting was brought before the parliament in Westminster, the overwhelming vote in favour of the law in the House of Commons was overturned by the House of Lords. The house of seldom sober second thought obviously viewed the law as a violation of their animal rights.

Nonetheless, the Commons had its way and the law passed into statute in 2005. Since then the pro- and anti- hunting lobbies have been at loggerheads over alleged violations of the law by the jolly chaps in jaunty red coats.

Strongly held beliefs on each side of the issue have led to confrontations between the protagonists. These petits contretemps have escalated to the point where the foxes are in less danger than the people chasing them and the people chasing the chasers.

Recently, an anti-fox hunting activist was following a hunt in an ultra-light gyrocopter. As he landed to refuel he was approached by a belligerent fox hunting supporter. In the ensuing fray the fox hunter's head was detached by the gyrocopter's rotors. What rotten bad luck.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Britain Shocked by Canadian Drinking Binge

For a second time in less than a fortnight shock waves are rippling through the British Isles over the Vancouver Olympic Games. The British media is hyper-ventilating because Canada's women's (ice) hockey team, having won gold medals in Vancouver, was also thought to be threatening to steal Britain's crown as the binge-drinking capital of the world.

Throughout the entire British nation journalists are sitting down and taking smelling salts in a valiant effort to deal with the effrontery of these colonials. Canada's women's hockey team went back onto the ice after medals had been awarded and fans had left the stadium to crack a celebratory cold one.

Canada has sincerely apologized to it's mother nation. A message has been sent making it clear that while Canadians enjoy blowing the froth off a couple of beers to celebrate a big sporting win, our women will not be drinking themselves stupid and vomiting all over public streets every Saturday night as thousands do in the United Queendom.

According to a BBC report, Britain invests £20 billion every year to maintain its world binge-drinking title. The main contenders are young people in the same age group as Canada's women's hockey team. The BBC report goes on to say that 33,000 binge-drinking competitors die every year pursuing their favourite pastime.

Canadians are deeply embarassed that our incredibly modest display of alcohol consumption was misinterpreted as a challenge to British binge-drinking supremacy. We promise to behave ourselves in the future.
I'll drink to that.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Worst Ever: Newspaper

"Vancouver Games continue downhill slide from disaster to calamity. Snowboarding nonsense is the latest fiasco threatening to make these Games the worst in Olympic history" writes golf caddy and guitar player for the "Bluebells" Lawrence Donegan of Britain's Guardian newspaper.

Times are tight in the United Queendom. The Guardian couldn't afford to send a real Fleet Street hack to Vancouver, but when "Bluebell Donegan" showed up to caddy for the paper's editor one Sunday last autumn the head scribe collared him for the assignment.

Maybe Bluebell is a bit pissed off that nobody in Vancouver would hire him to carry their clubs around while on his jolly little junket. Maybe they were all more concerned with winter sports than Bluebell's favourite summer pastime. Poor chap; he got so frustrated that the poison just gushed through the nib of the jaunty little fountain pen the Guardian slipped into his pocket as they ushered him off to Heathrow.

Never mind Bluebell old chap, it's London's turn to host the Olympics in just two years. You can have a bash at showing us lowly colonials how it should have been done. There's a very large group of British expats living here in Canada and we are very proud of how our new country has responded to the myriad challenges of organizing an Olympic Games. At the same time, we are all hoping that Britain will have the most successful games ever in 2012.

Have a safe trip back to England, Bluebell.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

New Correspondent for Blighty's Blog

Who would have imagined it? The great Simon Cowell - a part of Blighty's Blog's international team of top-notch foreign correspondents! Until recently it was beyond even our wildest imagination. Now, each morning we wake up and ask ourselves: "can this really be true?"

Simon's Bio
This is not the tale of a rude, sneering, spoiled brat who was expelled from a series of exclusive private schools for which his well-heeled parents paid the fees. It is not even the tale of how the spoiled brat grew up surrounded by pampering nannies, thinking he had a better pot to pee in than the rest of the world. 

Mail Room Clerk
This is the story of entertainment guru Simon Cowell. Mr Cowell was born in Brighton, England in 1959. He has achieved a lot of his fame by being simply obnoxious. His father was influential in the music business and got his erring son a job as a lowly mailroom clerk with a record company. The mischievous boy made good at the job and quickly rose through the ranks. Bursting out into an unsuspecting world on his own, he went on to become a music producer and record label owner.

TransAtlantic Idol
Cowell's breakthrough came when he was appointed as a judge on the British TV show "Pop Idol" and subsequently on the American spin-off "American Idol". His lack of sensitivity for aspiring young talent trying hard for a breakthrough in show business was amply demonstrated in his scathing sarcasm and dismissive attitude toward acts he didn't like. His biting comments and unpleasant demeanour became his springboard for success.

Stand Aside for Simon
He has since appeared as a judge in other talent shows such as "Britain's Got Talent". In that show another judge was well known personality Piers Morgan, former editor of the British tabloid newspaper "News of the World" - a well known breeding ground for papparazi infestations. While filming for Britain's Got Talent" in Manchester, England, Mr Morgan was waiting in his hotel lobby one morning. Those same paparazzi over whom he presided when in charge of the News of the World asked him to stand aside so they could take pictures of ... Simon Cowell!

Welcome aboard Simon, you're gonna fit in well on our team.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

What Not to Wear? Clothes Apparently!

They are worth over £10 million. They are well known - and controversial - in both Britain and America. And nobody is really quite sure of their preferences when it comes to intimate relationships. They are Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine.

They didn't like each other when they first met. The English snob and the Eurotrash girl didn't hit it off. That all changed when, in 1994, Trinny and Susannah got together to write a fashion advice column for Britain's Daily Telegraph newspaper.

Their dot com business blew away £10M of investors money. Their first book bombed. But then they were given an opportunity to host a TV show on BBC2. From there their careers and fortunes blossomed and grew exponentially.

Trinny and Susannah left the BBC and their successful "What Not to Wear" show for competing broadcaster ITV for a contract worth well over a million pounds. At their new home they put out a new show called "Trinny and Susannah Undress ...". Yes, well ... um.

Meanwhile their renewed efforts at publishing books brought an entirely different result to their first failed effort and added huge amounts to their growing fortunes.

Despite making their fortunes helping people decide what clothes to wear, the pair seem quite comfortable doffing their own attire down to their birthday suits. They setup a publicity stunt, along with 300 others, in which they appeared stark naked on a hillside in southern England to create a living sculpture.

And then, to promote their new American show, they again parted company with all their attire to pose for the picture shown in this post (which may have become a little distorted as a result of climate change).

So, what's not to wear? Well, clothes apparently. Just follow the example set by the experts.

Monday, February 01, 2010

The Chilled Cot Inquiry

In the Land of Hope and Glory a boondoggle inquiry chaired by Sir John Chilcot is investigating events that led to the invasion of Iraq. The Chilcot inquiry's website lays down a very vague statement about the terms of reference, but media reporting belies the true purpose - to identify culprits who can be blamed for the stalemate situation that now exists in that country, years after the largely unopposed invasion.

Among those who have appeared at the inquiry is former British prime minister Tony Blair (pictured). Mr Blair was the supremo responsible for ordering British forces into Iraq as part of a coalition led by George W. Bush's US forces.

Critics of the war argue that the invasion was predicated on the existence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. But, following the invasion none were found - not even a thimbleful of Sarin or VX nerve gas (enough to kill hundreds of people).

Is it possible that Saddam's chaps flushed it all down the lavvy when they saw coalition forces riding hotfoot across the desert?

Or could it be that they used their entire stock of "non-existent" chemical weapons in their brutal slaughter of tens of thousands of their own citizens in Halabja and two hundred and fifty other Kurdish villages between 1988 and 1989?

Her Majesty's government will get to the bottom of it. And when they uncover and publish the truth you can be sure of one thing - Hell will be frozen over.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

What a Mouth

Briton Andy Murray Qualifies for the Final at the Australian Open
What a mouth! What a mouth! What a North and South!
Blimey, what a mouth he's got!
Now when he was a baby, well, oh Gawd luv 'er!
His poor old mother used to feed him with a shovel
What a gap! Poor chap! He's never been known to laugh
If he did, it's a penny to a quid
That his face would fall in half!

British singer Tommy Steele, 1960

Monday, January 25, 2010

Immigration Problem Out of this World

British bookie Ladbrokes has dropped the odds on Britain receiving a wave of immigration from extra-terrestrial sources. When you walk into your neighborhood turf accountant's office and lay down a quid you can now expect to earn no more than a grand - down from a previous five grand.

The Science is Settled Say Top Boffins
Odds were shortened in the wake of a London conference this week attended by eminent scientists from around the planet. In a communique issued from the conference floor, scientists told the media that the "science is settled". "Our computer models" they say "predict that aliens will land in Britain within the next 50 years".

British Lord Affirms Aliens Expected
According to Britain's Daily Express newspaper, the bookie's move came after Lord Rees told the British people that alien immigration is now more likely than ever. His lordship's stern pronouncement was reluctantly endorsed by British prime minister Gordon Brown (pictured) after the PM denied tabloid stories that he is himself an alien.

Alien Minorities Set for Poverty
Immigration activist and conference speaker, Mr Lef Twinger released a study showing that when the aliens arrive they will already be economically disadvantaged. He demanded the government take immediate action to protect alien rights.

Story filed by Blighty's blog science correspondent Fuller Rubisch.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

US Seizes British Chocolate

Unable to make decent chocolate of their own, Americans are to pay a record sum to snatch British chocolate giant Cadbury from the English. In the wake of the takeover of Cadbury by the US Kraft Corporate mega-colossus, thousands of jobs in England and Ireland are at risk and the Scots are to blame!

But wait; it gets worse. During the great global recession of 2009, descendants of "proud Edward's army" - based in London - loaded £20 billion of taxpayers' money in stagecoaches and hauled it up the Great North Road to Scotland to bail out their Royal Bank.

Now, Scottish bankers are sitting on top of Hadrian's Wall - their back pockets bulging with English cash, jeering and thumbing their noses at the English. Why? Because they just took £630 million of that English cash and loaned it to the American choco-pirates.

Americans are chocolate starved. No really, have you ever tasted American chocolate? That's right; nobody has. Just like American beer, it doesn't have any flavour at all. But the poor American people crave chocolate just like the rest of us and in desperation they have invaded England to get it.

Should we throw in the towel and close the doors of Blighty's Tuck Store now? Or should we wait until our beloved Cadbury chocolate bars have "Made in Pennsylvania" printed on the wrapper?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Wealthy Beyond Reason

Which nation ranks 171st in the world measured by gross national product? Here's a clue; it is located inside the City of London, England. Confused? Read on.

Dr Richard Dawood is a doctor living in London. He likes to get around the capital city on a scooter. Good idea really. Economical, environmentally friendly and easier to park than a car. His parking space is a 2 meter strip of land that he owns outside his home.

But, London's army of parking wardens has ticketed his scooter for being illegally parked more than 30 times during the last decade. Dr Dawood is, understandably, more than a little cross about this. He has fought the tickets and lost.

"Why?" he argued "should I be ticketed for parking on my property?". The angry doctor took his case to court. £10,000 in legal costs later and following a hearing in front of the learned Lord Justice Sedley of the Court of Appeal, he finally had a decision. He lost.

The learned Lord ruled that Dr Dawood owned the sub-soil of his property but the surface was fair game for the traffic wardens who fly lazy circles over Londoners' homes waiting to swoop down on their prey. Whatever happened to the idea of "an Englishman's home is his castle"?

The BBC calculated that if all London's parking meters and traffic wardens were a sovereign nation, the £456M they raise annually would rank 171st in the world. That would put them slightly behind the oil-rich nation of Liberia and ahead of 30 real nations according to World Bank statistics.

Perhaps it is time for London's parking racketeers to secede from the United Queendom. I am sure the learned Lord Sedley could be prevailed upon to assume the role of monarch of the new wealthy oligarchy. Then perhaps his head would be held high in the same manner as that of King Charles I.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

England to Win World Cup Before the End of the World

It's official. Britain's Sun newspaper has confirmed what fans of English football have known for the last 44 years. "England will win the World Cup before the end of the world".

In today's Sun there is a report that the Hubble Space Telescope has discovered an imminent supernova (exploding star) only 3000 light years from Earth. If the star explodes, as scientists predict, the blast will destroy life on Earth.

The announcement has stirred considerable controversy among doom-mongers. Proponents of global warming claim the supernova is irrelevant because their disaster was first in line. Meanwhile the H1N1 lobby maintains their pandemic will kill most of us before either global warming or the supernova can wipe us out.

A healthy looking economist stranded in snow from the worst winter in the northern hemisphere for 100 years told Blighty's Blog that the uncertainty surrounding the future of mankind has upset markets around the globe and has slowed recovery from the global recession. "We are all going to die from the aftermath of a collapse of the global economy" he stated chillingly.

Britain's Sun newspaper, renowned for its page 3 analysis of what matters most to Britain, commented on the destruction of life on Earth by the supernova saying: "Let's hope there's still time for England's very own stars to put in a stella (sic) performance at this summer's World Cup in South Africa."