"Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited" - John Cleese

Author John Corby also writes as "Bulldogge" for the British Canadian newspaper.

A Farthingsworth of Tall Tales from Blighty's Fameless Blog
Newsflash from New York (no, not that one!) |  Are the British better drivers? |  The Story of the Telephone Kiosk |  Drinking Nelson's Blood |  Screaming Jelly Babies |  Flying to the UK is very dangerous! |  Brits to drive on the right |  Who hung the monkey? |  Upper class virgins |  Double, double trouble |  What a Lovely Morning for a War

Thursday, August 19, 2010

British Isles Moving East?

The self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Newspaper", Britain's Daily Express is championing an initiative that will see the entire British Isles move an hour further east - um, at least that's what we think the plan is. Dubbed "double summer time" this bold move will jig British clocks to lengthen daylight hours, create jobs, generate billions in extra revenue for British business ... and confuse the entire British public - and maybe the world.

Here is how it will work:
Instead of turning the clocks back this fall, the United Queendom will maintain British Summer Time which will then become standard time for Britain. In the spring of next year clocks will move forward another hour and then drop back an hour the following fall.

In the Mean Time ... in Greenwich
What will happen to Greenwich Mean Time? GMT has been defined as the time on the Greenwich Meridian which runs through ... well Greenwich actually. It is a reference point for time around the world. Standard time in the United Queendom is GMT except in the summer time when British clocks leap forward an hour. If Britain adopts Double Summer Time the whole country will always be at least an hour ahead of GMT - which is the time in Greenwich ... in Britain. Is this a case of Britain getting ahead of itself?

Fifteen Degrees of Separation
There are 24 timezones around the globe which means that time changes by one hour for every 15 degrees of longitude (roughly speaking). If the United Queendom moves an hour east (which would put Britain temporally into central Europe) repercussions will be felt around the world. Every other country will have to move it's time east to maintain global symmetry.

The Canadian Solution
Here is the problem in a nutshell - the whole of Britain fits into one timezone. Solving Britain's problem is easy. All the British have to do is emigrate to Canada! We have more timezones than you can shake a canoe paddle at. Want more daylight? Follow the Sun west. Or (in the summer) go north - way north. In Canada's Nunavut you get 24 hours of daylight for weeks and weeks and weeks every summer.

So here is the deal Britain. Come and live in Nunavut - there are millions of acres of sun-basked territory in which you can settle. For at least three long months every year we can guarantee that the Sun won't set on the British Empire.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

"That's the way to do it" says Canadian Government

The Fools on the Hill (aka the Government of Canada) are working tirelessly to protect Canadians from extremely dangerous substances that could seriously endanger their health. The Canadian Fool Inspection Agency recently intercepted and destroyed one particularly nasty substance.

The substance in question is a very nasty toxin originating in the United Queendom called Bisto Best Beef Gravy granules. Hazmat suited officials raided Pugwash the Pirate's warehouse in Toronto recently and carted off a shipment of this horrible toxin. The granules were taken to a government-approved destruction facility where, behind windowless concrete walls, they were securely destroyed by dissolving them in hot water.

Pugwash was billed hundreds of dollars to compensate HM Canadian Government for the costs of destroying the nasty little granules.

On the other side of the Atlantic Pond Bisto gravies have a 93% market share of annual gravy sales amounting to £91 million. Blighty's Blog understands that the annual British mortality rate from consuming Bisto gravy is less than one person.

Canada Fool Inspection Agency spokesperson, Mr P. Unch defended the raid on Pugwash's import warehouse in Toronto as "a necessary step to protect Canadians", adding "that's the way to do it!".

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Free Eurotunnel Roundtrip!!!

Eurotunnel has just completed trials of a new service it believes will get the travelling public very, very excited.

Le Chunnel, completed at a cost of gazillions of Euros now offers travellers a uniquely thrilling experience that is sure to create a lot of excitement. Passengers will drive onto the new super trains and be transported through the giant sub-aqueous sandstone wormhole below the English Channel.

Entering the tunnel near Folkestone on the English side of the Channel, their journey will take them all the way to ... Folkestone, on the English side of the Channel. Eurotunnel's marketing department spokesman Monsieur Zut Alors told Blighty's Blog that the journey is FREE and that passengers who enjoy the trip will even be given a free ticket for a future journey through the tunnel in which they will actually be able to disembark on the French side.

Reports in the British press that the "marketing trial" was actually a cock-up in which French officials failed to notice that some vehicles had not been unloaded from the train in Calais were denied by Eurotunnel. Eurotunnel's Calais port boss Monsieur Taber Nacque stands by his story of an innovative marketing trial but insisted that the trial is complete and will not be repeated.