A Complete Twit

A story in this week's International Express newspaper caught the eye of the editor at Blighty's Blog's global headquarters today. A man in England has been arrested by her Britannic Majesty's constables for driving while under the influence of alcohol.

Sharp-eyed bobbies apprehended the 40 year old man driving on the road outside his home with twice the legal limit of alcohol in his bloodstream. He was hauled before the magistrate and banned from driving for three years.

The driver caught the attention of the men-in-blue because his knees were sticking up out of the top of his car. The vehicle in question was a toy Barbie car capable of a top speed of around four miles per hour. The six-foot tall former RAF engineer had been working on the car with his son and had blown the froth off a couple of cold ones while doing so.

Describing himself as "a complete twit" he was, nevertheless, shocked at being charged with drunk-driving. Blighty's Blog motoring correspondent Cy Linder reports that constables all over the United Queendom have been issued with shiny new truncheons and sent out to patrol the roads of Britain to prevent a rash of copy-cat crimes being committed by fathers of small children throughout the realm.

There are believed to be several thousand Barbie cars in Britain. The public has been urged to look out for them. They are easy to identify - they are all pink and very, very small.

UK Airspace Re-Opens

Exclusive story filed by Blighty's Blog European aerospace correspondent Upup Andaway.

Congestion is slowly easing at British airports today as UK airspace officially reopened following the recent eruption of an Icelandic volcano.

I was at Heathrow early this morning to gauge the reaction of the travelling public.

"I don't know what all the fuss was about" said one passenger arriving from Oslo, Norway. "The captain was able to restart the engines with no trouble at all once we dropped below ten thousand feet. My kids really enjoyed the steep descent when the engines cut out in the sky over the North Sea. They thought it was a more exciting ride than the roller coasters at Euro Disney."

"And what about the onboard service during the flight?" I asked. "Was it up to the usual standard?"

"Oh, much, much better than usual" the passenger replied. "The cabin crew were very quick to hand out hot towels so we could clean the ash off our faces before landing. And the meals were served in special containers with flip-up lids so we wouldn't get our food seasoned with it."

"What was on the in-flight menu?" I inquired.

"I was really pleased with the food" the passenger went on; "they served blackened Icelandic cod with black-eyed peas followed by a special dessert of an unusual spotted dick pudding; it was delicious."

So there you have it, things are back to normal for European air travellers. The British Airports Authority is working around the clock to clear the backlog of stranded passengers. A spokesman for BAA said "somebody had better move that damn clock out of the way, we are sick and tired of working around it. Some of us are going to have to stay at work past five o'clock this afternoon at this rate."

UK Election: Pudding Club Fraud Exposed

Following a ground-breaking effort of investigative journalism, Blighty's Blog can now reveal the shocking truth in this exclusive breaking story about the UK general election.

Nobody is going to pull the wool over the eyes of a sharp electorate in the Land of Hope and Glory. Not even the cunning Camerons of the Conservative Party. Tory leader David Cameron is shooting for the top job in 10 Downing Street by winning the election on May 6th.

In a bid to show off his human side at the hustings, Mr Cameron has revealed that his wife Samantha is pregnant. She is expected to give birth to a tiny true blue-blooded tory in the coming months. But cynical British voters suspect that smiling Samantha's pregnancy is just a little too conveniently timed.

The British public were right to be suspicious! Our British beach correspondent, Don Key, sent us this shocking photo that shows exactly how Samantha Cameron gained enough weight to fake her pregnancy.

Now it is a wide open election that any party can win. Who will be the tenant in number ten on May 7th? Will it be Ghastly Gordon Brown back for another term with a genuine personal mandate at last? Or will it be Dastardly David Cameron? Is it possible that young Nick Clegg of the Liberal-Democrats will squeeze up through the middle to steal the election from the grown-ups?

Our political correspondent Neve Ron Sun-Dae in Whopping Lye, England is working on another story that reveals how Nick Clegg is soldiering on with his campaign despite suffering a serious personal injury. Stay tuned to Blighty's Blog; this is going to be one hell of a race.

Britain to Get Hung Parliament?

British prime minister Gordon Brown pulled the plug on his unpopular government today. A general election will be held on 6th May.

Pundits in the Land of Hope and Glory are forecasting a hung parliament. Blighty's Blog UK political correspondent, Spoyl Yerballot took to the streets of Whopping Lye, England to conduct a Blighty's Blog pre-election poll.

"I'm voting for the Monster Raving Loony Party" said a voter interviewed outside the Kings Head pub in downtown Whopping Lye just after closing time.

"I heard we're getting a hung parliament" said another voter, blowing the froth from the last hastily consumed mug of ale off his beard. "Those buggers have been feathering their own nests with our tax money for too long. Hung parliament? I say hanging's too good for 'em".

Moving on to the constituency of Barking in London where Monster Raving Loony Party candidate Crucial Chris Dowling is standing against British National Party leader Nick Griffin, our correspondent uncovered a different mood.

"Don't make no difference" complained one voter on his way to work. The voter, who wished to remain anonymous, has been working as a street financial contribution officer for over 30 years. "Don't matter who gets in" he continued, "I'll still be there with m'nice warm blanket and me collection cap on the 'igh street."

Meanwhile, in David Cameron's riding of Witney, where Monster Raving Loony Party candidate Howling 'Laud' Hope is challenging the Tory leader, the mood of the voters seemed to be in favour of the challenger. As one voter put it: "at last we have a chance to elect politicians who are completely honest. Only one of Britain's political parties is willing to admit they are stark, raving bonkers; I'm all for honesty in politics, so they have my vote."

Footnote from our editor at Blighty's Blog headquarters in Canada:

In British politics a "hung parliament" is one in which no party holds an absolute majority - a rare event in the United Queendom. In Canada we call it a "minority government".

Brown: Commonwealth to be Dissolved

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown sent shockwaves around the world today with a terse announcement that Her Majesty's Government has petitioned Buckingham Palace to assent to the immediate dissolution of the Commonwealth.

Speaking to a stunned audience in Stockholm, Sweden, where he is attending a conference of European leaders, Brown asserted his government's view that Britain's future lies with its European partners rather than with the vestigial remnants of a commonwealth rooted in Victorian imperialism.

"We cannot forget" he told a large group of reporters gathered for the hastily called, early morning press conference, "that the British Commonwealth is the dying relic of Victoria's Empire". This government wishes to distance itself from the unbridled militarism that swept across two-thirds of the globe, brazenly subjugating defenceless third world nations and confiscating their natural resources."

"I have been to Buckingham Palace and asked Her Majesty to affix her signature to an order-in-council prepared by my ministers that will act as an instrument to begin the immediate dismantling and dissolution of the British Commonwealth."

Calls to the office of Mr David Cameron, leader of the British Conservative Party, have not been returned but a contact inside the party reports to Blighty's Blog that Mr Cameron is "speechless and frothing at the mouth with distress".

At the conference was the Swedish bureau chief for the BBC (Blighty's Blog Correspondents) Sven Parilofol. Sven relayed his story through Blighty's Blog's European headquarters in Whopping Lye, England. A tape filed with the report contains some candid comments made by Brown after the conference microphone was turned off. Among some muffled and distorted audio captured by our correspondent, Mr Brown is heard to say: "all these bloody colonials can just sod off for all I care."

Footnote from the editor at Blighty's Blog headquarters in Canada:

Canadian colonials may be aware that the British government has fought against the indexing of British pensions paid to expats throughout the Commonwealth. After many and repeated legal avenues ending in doors slamming shut, the British government has finally won the last battle. Expats hoping to enjoy the same pension rights as expats in non-Commonwealth countries, have been handed a very final legal instruction to "now sod off!"