Britain has a split personality. On the one hand it is a member-of-sorts of the European Community. On the other hand, Britain is the parent country of the British Commonwealth.
Money Can't Buy Me Love
The standard currency in the EC is the Euro. The French gave up on their francs, the Spanish gave up on their pesetas, the Italians gave up on their lire and the Germans gave up on their marks, but Britain has chosen to retain the pound sterling instead.
Euro coins have the same image on the "common side". The obverse (back) side of Euro coins, on the other hand, varies from country to country. Each member state can choose to mint coins with national symbols on the obverse.
Not surprisingly, none of the EC countries have chosen to place an image of the British Queen on their coins. Meanwhile Canada, Australia and other British Commonwealth countries have chosen to mint the Queen's image on the obverse side of their coins. Her Majesty appreciates our loyalty but her government in Whitehall cocks a snoot at us.
Welcome Home!
When British-born Canadians, travelling on a Canadian passport, arrive in our native country we are required to line-up with non-citizens. Those of us who became Canadian citizens did not relinquish our British citizenship and our passports indicate our place of birth.
Couldn't British immigration officials take a moment to read our Canadian passports and let us through with EC passport holders? Even the Americans - despite recent tightening of cross-border documentation requirements - seem less reluctant to allow us entry into their country.
Meanwhile, EC passport holders (including Brits) are fast-tracked into Britain in a separate queue. Frenchmen, Italians, Greeks, Spaniards and all the other nationalities who are, at best, indifferent to the Queen can walk straight into Britain with only a cursory examination of their documentation by immigration officials.
No Passport Required
Of course there was once a time when the French held an English king in high reverence. The King of England was an immigrant from an EC country. He arrived in England exactly nine centuries before England last won the World Cup. His name was William and he didn't show any kind of passport at all when he stepped off the boat at Hastings in Sussex.
Britain has been at war, at some point in history, with almost every other member of the EC. When Canada was last called on to defend its borders, in 1812, the British Army was here in force to defend us. And when Britain has been at war, Canadian troops have fought alongside the British - not against them.
Tiny Blur
The head of the British Commonwealth is the Queen. Along with other Commonwealth countries, Canada recognizes the Queen as it's head of state. The European Community has a president as its head. The present incumbent of that office is Jose Manuel Barroso. It is rumoured that former British Prime Minister Tony Blair will be a candidate for the job when Mr Barroso leaves office.
What a dichotomy there would be in the United Queendom if that ever came to pass. To whom would the British pledge their loyalty; Her Majesty the Queen or the man the satirical British magazine Private Eye calls "Tiny Blur?"
Showing posts with label 10 Reasons I Left Britain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 10 Reasons I Left Britain. Show all posts
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
10 Reasons I Left Britain #8. Mountains
Chambers dictionary defines a mountain as "a very high, steep hill, often one of bare rock". The prestigious Oxford English Dictionary also provides a definition but I don't know what it is because the OED will only reveal its definition on payment of a fee. Greedy bar stewards.
Britain is a Very Mountainous Region
So, relying on Chambers' definition alone we can conclude that Britain is a very mountainous region. Mountains in Britain may not exceed 4409 feet high but there are lots of them. By contrast, Canada's highest mountain is Mount Logan in the Yukon Territory at 19,524 feet high. Of course higher doesn't always mean better - unless you are a competitive mountaineer.
Walk Up Mountains
In an earlier post, 10 Things I Miss Most About Britain: #9. The British Countryside, we wrote that to climb Britain's highest peak, Ben Nevis, you would have to scale 2000 feet high sheer cliff faces - or walk up the easy ascent trail on the other side of the mountain. There aren't many mountains in Canada on which you can walk to the summit, but we'll talk about a couple of exceptions in a minute.
The Towering Peaks of ... Saskatchewan?
We don't usually associate the province of Saskatchewan with mountains. Saskatchewan is usually thought of as being dead flat - as in pancake. But a peak in the Cypress Hills near the Alberta border exceeds the height of Ben Nevis by over 400 feet.
Mighty Mount Chinguacousy
Here in Ontario mountains are rarer than Stanley Cups at the Air Canada Centre. Ski reports on the radio in winter often refer to a little known peak in the GTA (Greater Toronto Area). Those who are familiar with the mountain snicker when they hear its mention. When the City of Brampton, near Toronto, created a small artificial lake in a park near the city centre they piled the excavated soil up beside the lake. The pile of dirt became a ski hill officially christened "Mount Chinguacousy".
2000 Feet Vertical Drop
A towering peak in the City of Toronto rises to a height of over 2000 feet above sea level with a sheer vertical drop into Lake Ontario. It is a very challenging climb on the man-made stairs that lead all the way to the top. Those who aren't fit enough to make the climb can use the high speed elevators instead. Ok already, it's not exactly a mountain but the CN Tower is a very high, steep tower made of bare concrete - it almost fits the dictionary definition.
Sea to Sky
But Canada's real mountains are out west in Alberta and British Columbia. There are more peaks over ten thousand feet than you can shake a hockey stick at. There is a magnificent road in British Columbia that I have driven several times. The name of the road captures the beauty of that mountainous province. It will become internationally famous in 2010 when the Vancouver Winter Olympic athletes travel on the "Sea to Sky Highway".
Blue Louise
My favourite place in Canada is in Alberta. If you stand outside the spectacular green-roofed CP hotel on the shore of Lake Louise in June, the lake water will be an iridescent blue. The colour is caused by a suspension of rock dust deposited in the lake by the glacier that winds its way down from the sky at the far end of the lake. Above the lake soar three mountain peaks each over ten thousand feet high. I had to leave Britain to experience that magical scene.
Britain is a Very Mountainous Region
So, relying on Chambers' definition alone we can conclude that Britain is a very mountainous region. Mountains in Britain may not exceed 4409 feet high but there are lots of them. By contrast, Canada's highest mountain is Mount Logan in the Yukon Territory at 19,524 feet high. Of course higher doesn't always mean better - unless you are a competitive mountaineer.
Walk Up Mountains
In an earlier post, 10 Things I Miss Most About Britain: #9. The British Countryside, we wrote that to climb Britain's highest peak, Ben Nevis, you would have to scale 2000 feet high sheer cliff faces - or walk up the easy ascent trail on the other side of the mountain. There aren't many mountains in Canada on which you can walk to the summit, but we'll talk about a couple of exceptions in a minute.
The Towering Peaks of ... Saskatchewan?
We don't usually associate the province of Saskatchewan with mountains. Saskatchewan is usually thought of as being dead flat - as in pancake. But a peak in the Cypress Hills near the Alberta border exceeds the height of Ben Nevis by over 400 feet.
Mighty Mount Chinguacousy
Here in Ontario mountains are rarer than Stanley Cups at the Air Canada Centre. Ski reports on the radio in winter often refer to a little known peak in the GTA (Greater Toronto Area). Those who are familiar with the mountain snicker when they hear its mention. When the City of Brampton, near Toronto, created a small artificial lake in a park near the city centre they piled the excavated soil up beside the lake. The pile of dirt became a ski hill officially christened "Mount Chinguacousy".
2000 Feet Vertical Drop
A towering peak in the City of Toronto rises to a height of over 2000 feet above sea level with a sheer vertical drop into Lake Ontario. It is a very challenging climb on the man-made stairs that lead all the way to the top. Those who aren't fit enough to make the climb can use the high speed elevators instead. Ok already, it's not exactly a mountain but the CN Tower is a very high, steep tower made of bare concrete - it almost fits the dictionary definition.
Sea to Sky
But Canada's real mountains are out west in Alberta and British Columbia. There are more peaks over ten thousand feet than you can shake a hockey stick at. There is a magnificent road in British Columbia that I have driven several times. The name of the road captures the beauty of that mountainous province. It will become internationally famous in 2010 when the Vancouver Winter Olympic athletes travel on the "Sea to Sky Highway".
Blue Louise
My favourite place in Canada is in Alberta. If you stand outside the spectacular green-roofed CP hotel on the shore of Lake Louise in June, the lake water will be an iridescent blue. The colour is caused by a suspension of rock dust deposited in the lake by the glacier that winds its way down from the sky at the far end of the lake. Above the lake soar three mountain peaks each over ten thousand feet high. I had to leave Britain to experience that magical scene.
10 Reasons I Left Britain #7. Prices
Say It Ain't So
Despite the rumours, it is just not true that absolutely everything in the United Queendom costs more than it does in Canada. No, it isn't true at all. Honestly. The price of a cup of tea in a cafe I know in the Greater Manchester area is much less than the price of a cup of steeped tea in Canada's favourite donut chain. But just about everything else really does cost more over 'ome.
Familiar Prices
I have been back to the Anglian Archipelago many times since I left there nearly 30 years ago. For several years in a row I stayed here in Canada until, one year, family obligations took me across the giant puddle again. A familiar high street sign beckoned this hungry traveller. As I entered the doors of the Burger King restaurant my eyes looked up at the menu board and everything looked comfortable and familiar. The prices looked just about the same as Canadian prices.
And then I remembered that the prices were in British pounds and were actually about double what I would expect to pay in the land of the ice and snow. When the time came to visit a petrol station, the same realization occured once more.
Pound and Dollar at Par?
It doesn't take a highly qualified economist to determine that the spending power of the pound in Britain is almost identical to the spending power of the dollar in Canada. After this awful realization dawned on me I ceased doing a mental conversion into Canadian dollars before making a purchase in Britain. Instead, I now have a travel budget in which Canadian dollars are directly substituted with British pounds.
Supply & Demand
So why does everything cost so much in Britain? Britain is a very small country with a comprehensive and efficient transportation network. The climate is mild. The population is double that of Canada, so the law of supply and demand used by economists should result in much lower prices.
It could be argued that our economy is influenced by the economy of the Excited States and that we are really in a trading area of nearly 300 million people - five times the population of the Queen's little islands. But then we have to remember that Britain is a member of the European Community which has a population approaching 500 million people.
Bricks & Mortar
My wife and I sold our nice little English three bedroom semi-detached home before we left for Canada at the tail end of 1981. The property boom in the Land of Hope and Glory has escalated prices so much that I doubt we could now afford to buy that home back.
So why are prices so high in Britain? Darned if I can explain it.
Despite the rumours, it is just not true that absolutely everything in the United Queendom costs more than it does in Canada. No, it isn't true at all. Honestly. The price of a cup of tea in a cafe I know in the Greater Manchester area is much less than the price of a cup of steeped tea in Canada's favourite donut chain. But just about everything else really does cost more over 'ome.
Familiar Prices
I have been back to the Anglian Archipelago many times since I left there nearly 30 years ago. For several years in a row I stayed here in Canada until, one year, family obligations took me across the giant puddle again. A familiar high street sign beckoned this hungry traveller. As I entered the doors of the Burger King restaurant my eyes looked up at the menu board and everything looked comfortable and familiar. The prices looked just about the same as Canadian prices.
And then I remembered that the prices were in British pounds and were actually about double what I would expect to pay in the land of the ice and snow. When the time came to visit a petrol station, the same realization occured once more.
Pound and Dollar at Par?
It doesn't take a highly qualified economist to determine that the spending power of the pound in Britain is almost identical to the spending power of the dollar in Canada. After this awful realization dawned on me I ceased doing a mental conversion into Canadian dollars before making a purchase in Britain. Instead, I now have a travel budget in which Canadian dollars are directly substituted with British pounds.
Supply & Demand
So why does everything cost so much in Britain? Britain is a very small country with a comprehensive and efficient transportation network. The climate is mild. The population is double that of Canada, so the law of supply and demand used by economists should result in much lower prices.
It could be argued that our economy is influenced by the economy of the Excited States and that we are really in a trading area of nearly 300 million people - five times the population of the Queen's little islands. But then we have to remember that Britain is a member of the European Community which has a population approaching 500 million people.
Bricks & Mortar
My wife and I sold our nice little English three bedroom semi-detached home before we left for Canada at the tail end of 1981. The property boom in the Land of Hope and Glory has escalated prices so much that I doubt we could now afford to buy that home back.
So why are prices so high in Britain? Darned if I can explain it.
Saturday, July 04, 2009
10 Reasons I Left Britain #6: Public Conveniences
Long before I left Blighty for good I went to the Excited States from London Heathrow, landing in Washington Dulles. It was my first trip to **America!!!**. The captain announced that it was time to buckle up as we were approaching the Washington area. I was excited. Heathrow is a great big airport with planes coming and going from every point on Earth. **America!!!**, I thought, would be even grander!
Dulles Aerodrome in America
As the British Airways speedbird circled Dulles waiting for its turn to land, I looked down in disappointment. Dulles is one of the dullest aerodromes in America. It seemed so small and quiet compared to Heathrow. But it had been eight hours of cramped discomfort sitting in a steerage class seat in the big seven hundred and forty seven and I was knackered. Call me naive if you like. I saw a sign I had never seen before. It read "Rest Rooms".
Park Your Bum?
It sounded like a good proposition to me. A place for weary travellers to park their bums and get some relief for those swollen feet. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that "rest room" is an American euphemism for what the British call a "public toilet". But, as later experience would reveal, Americans are masters of euphemism. My favourite is the New England "Package Store". New England "packages" come in glass bottles that should not be consumed while driving.
Convenient Direction
Visit any British town and you will find signposts indicating the location of the nearest "public convenience". What a relief these porcelain palaces provide. After a visit to a public house to rent several pints of the local brewer's art, it is so refreshing to find a "convenience" at which one can recycle most of the fluid.
Spend A Penny
The British have their very own euphemism: "to spend a penny" means to relieve oneself of a full bladder. The term derives from an attempt by some local authorities to improve the quality of their public conveniences by requiring stall entrants to insert a penny in a slot to open the door. The penny was an "old penny". Prior to 1971 "old pennies" were large, heavy copper coins. Nowadays, inflation and currency decimalization have dramatically increased the cost of "spending a penny".
But spending a penny without spending a penny resulted in some pretty grungy street dungeons. Step into one if you dare.
Dulles Aerodrome in America
As the British Airways speedbird circled Dulles waiting for its turn to land, I looked down in disappointment. Dulles is one of the dullest aerodromes in America. It seemed so small and quiet compared to Heathrow. But it had been eight hours of cramped discomfort sitting in a steerage class seat in the big seven hundred and forty seven and I was knackered. Call me naive if you like. I saw a sign I had never seen before. It read "Rest Rooms".
Park Your Bum?
It sounded like a good proposition to me. A place for weary travellers to park their bums and get some relief for those swollen feet. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that "rest room" is an American euphemism for what the British call a "public toilet". But, as later experience would reveal, Americans are masters of euphemism. My favourite is the New England "Package Store". New England "packages" come in glass bottles that should not be consumed while driving.
Convenient Direction
Visit any British town and you will find signposts indicating the location of the nearest "public convenience". What a relief these porcelain palaces provide. After a visit to a public house to rent several pints of the local brewer's art, it is so refreshing to find a "convenience" at which one can recycle most of the fluid.
Spend A Penny
The British have their very own euphemism: "to spend a penny" means to relieve oneself of a full bladder. The term derives from an attempt by some local authorities to improve the quality of their public conveniences by requiring stall entrants to insert a penny in a slot to open the door. The penny was an "old penny". Prior to 1971 "old pennies" were large, heavy copper coins. Nowadays, inflation and currency decimalization have dramatically increased the cost of "spending a penny".
But spending a penny without spending a penny resulted in some pretty grungy street dungeons. Step into one if you dare.
Friday, July 03, 2009
10 Reasons I Left Britain #5. The English Language
The headline in the newspaper read "England Are Ready To Win". Being an Englishman by birth I thought to myself: "I are very pleased to hear that". I was being sarcastic - to myself. I can't remember whether I used English collective nouns while I lived over there but I am certain that I don't now.
When Hell Freezes Over
To the English the word "England" can be singular or plural. England IS a country and England ARE a team. In the latter case the word "England" implies eleven highly paid young men wearing football boots. Outside Britain a team is a unit unless its name explicitly refers to a plural entity (e.g. the Toronto Make-Beliefs). We might say "Canada IS going to win gold at the World Hockey Championships". In Britain they would say "England ARE going to win the World Cup (of soccer)". [Ok gents, that was a very bad example indeed. We are all perfectly aware that England ARE going to win the World Cup right after Hell freezes over which will never happen anyway due to Global Warming].
Enough Already!
When I first arrived in Canada I had to make a huge adjustment. It wasn't just that I had a very clear English accent. Canadian idioms are so very different. I attended a class put on by my employer. The instructor had written on the chalkboard (blackboard) "Welcome already". I had never seen the word "already" used in this context. Answers.com has three definitions for the word "already":
The third definition is entirely alien to British English.
Three Guesses
I was similarly confused by the term "second guess". Actually, many Canadians misuse this term. It has two interpretations (from answers.com):
As an Englishman I thought it meant I had a second chance at guessing what the speaker was thinking. I wondered if he would give me a third guess. "Second guess" is also used in Britain now, but mainly by TV presenters who have been to America. They think it is a super-cool way of saying "guess".
Thirty Two and a Half
I also had to re-learn the English alphabet. As a Physics undergraduate in England I earned a language credit in Russian. Russian is a wonderful language that is so easy to understand. But the Russian alphabet is comprised of thirty two and a half letters. I was confused. I was even more confused when I came to Canada and learned that Canadian English has only 25 letters. The missing one is "D". No, not that "D", I mean the "D" that comes between "S" and "U".
And that reminds me of another quirk of Canadian English - excessive use of "quotation marks". Well, when it all gets too much for you, take a time-out and remember that England are nice to visit.
When Hell Freezes Over
To the English the word "England" can be singular or plural. England IS a country and England ARE a team. In the latter case the word "England" implies eleven highly paid young men wearing football boots. Outside Britain a team is a unit unless its name explicitly refers to a plural entity (e.g. the Toronto Make-Beliefs). We might say "Canada IS going to win gold at the World Hockey Championships". In Britain they would say "England ARE going to win the World Cup (of soccer)". [Ok gents, that was a very bad example indeed. We are all perfectly aware that England ARE going to win the World Cup right after Hell freezes over which will never happen anyway due to Global Warming].
Enough Already!
When I first arrived in Canada I had to make a huge adjustment. It wasn't just that I had a very clear English accent. Canadian idioms are so very different. I attended a class put on by my employer. The instructor had written on the chalkboard (blackboard) "Welcome already". I had never seen the word "already" used in this context. Answers.com has three definitions for the word "already":
- By this or a specified time: The children were already asleep when we got home.
- So soon: Are you quitting already?
- Informal. Used as an intensive: Be quiet already. Enough already.
The third definition is entirely alien to British English.
Three Guesses
I was similarly confused by the term "second guess". Actually, many Canadians misuse this term. It has two interpretations (from answers.com):
- To criticize or correct after an outcome is known.
-
- To outguess.
- To predict or anticipate: “She can second-guess indictments” (Scott Turow).
As an Englishman I thought it meant I had a second chance at guessing what the speaker was thinking. I wondered if he would give me a third guess. "Second guess" is also used in Britain now, but mainly by TV presenters who have been to America. They think it is a super-cool way of saying "guess".
Thirty Two and a Half
I also had to re-learn the English alphabet. As a Physics undergraduate in England I earned a language credit in Russian. Russian is a wonderful language that is so easy to understand. But the Russian alphabet is comprised of thirty two and a half letters. I was confused. I was even more confused when I came to Canada and learned that Canadian English has only 25 letters. The missing one is "D". No, not that "D", I mean the "D" that comes between "S" and "U".
And that reminds me of another quirk of Canadian English - excessive use of "quotation marks". Well, when it all gets too much for you, take a time-out and remember that England are nice to visit.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
10 Reasons I Left Britain #4. Coffee
Have you ever tried to get a good cup of coffee in Britain? I tried. I ordered a coffee at a cafe in the north of England during a visit there last year. I was served instant coffee made with milk. It was indescribably horrible. There is a chain of coffee shops throughout Britain that serve reasonable coffee but at unreasonable prices. I call them the Costatoomuch chain. One of the things that is sure to get me back on the big aeroplane is the thought of plentiful good coffee back in Canada.
A Glimmer of Hope
Canadians are familiar with the common, everyday sight of empty Tim Horton's coffee cups parked on store shelves, left in shopping carts, strewn about the streets and - even (albeit only occasionally) filling garbage cans. We all enjoy a cup of the old hockey legend's java but many among us are a little creative when it comes to discarding his famous paper cups. Perhaps it is a new art form, or a way of labelling every inch of this country as "Canadian Eh!"
Sparring for Good Coffee
Now the puck has been shot across the wide blue line to Britain. Tim Horton's donut shops are opening up inside selected Spar grocery stores throughout Britain and Ireland. The legend of the late great Maple Leaf "ice hockey" player may be lost on the British but they are chugging down his coffee at £1.29 a cup.
"Is This A Canadian Pub?"
Are you excited? I was excited when I found a Molson pub in London a few years ago. I prefer brown English beer to anything made by Molson, but the novelty of drinking Canadian beer in England tempted me. I asked the barmaid "is this a Canadian pub"; "yes" she replied as I handed her a $5 bill. Moments later she returned and spat "you're in England now". My pint of Molson Export was remarkably unlike the Molson Export available in Canada. I suspect British Tim Horton's coffee is similarly unlike its Canadian version.
Hold Your Nose and Think of Hamilton
So when you are visiting the British Isles this summer, be sure to grab a coffee eh, at every opportunity and decorate our old home and native land with Timmy's cups just like here in Canada. And when an empty Tim Horton's cup blows across the car park outside your local Spar store, look west - way west - and think of the place where it all started; in a little donut shop in the beautiful and picturesque city of Hamilton, Ontario.
A Glimmer of Hope
Canadians are familiar with the common, everyday sight of empty Tim Horton's coffee cups parked on store shelves, left in shopping carts, strewn about the streets and - even (albeit only occasionally) filling garbage cans. We all enjoy a cup of the old hockey legend's java but many among us are a little creative when it comes to discarding his famous paper cups. Perhaps it is a new art form, or a way of labelling every inch of this country as "Canadian Eh!"
Sparring for Good Coffee
Now the puck has been shot across the wide blue line to Britain. Tim Horton's donut shops are opening up inside selected Spar grocery stores throughout Britain and Ireland. The legend of the late great Maple Leaf "ice hockey" player may be lost on the British but they are chugging down his coffee at £1.29 a cup.
"Is This A Canadian Pub?"
Are you excited? I was excited when I found a Molson pub in London a few years ago. I prefer brown English beer to anything made by Molson, but the novelty of drinking Canadian beer in England tempted me. I asked the barmaid "is this a Canadian pub"; "yes" she replied as I handed her a $5 bill. Moments later she returned and spat "you're in England now". My pint of Molson Export was remarkably unlike the Molson Export available in Canada. I suspect British Tim Horton's coffee is similarly unlike its Canadian version.
Hold Your Nose and Think of Hamilton
So when you are visiting the British Isles this summer, be sure to grab a coffee eh, at every opportunity and decorate our old home and native land with Timmy's cups just like here in Canada. And when an empty Tim Horton's cup blows across the car park outside your local Spar store, look west - way west - and think of the place where it all started; in a little donut shop in the beautiful and picturesque city of Hamilton, Ontario.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
10 Reasons I Left Britain #3. London Buses
There is an old joke in the European Province of Britain about the Terrible Titans of the Thames; the Pirates of Pimlico, the Charing Cross Charioteers - aka ... London bus drivers.
Who's The Boss?
The haughty power of London bus drivers was reinforced by their deputies - the "clippies", formally known as "bus conductors". While drivers hurled their double-decked monster buses through the narrow, winding streets of London in a reign of terror, clippies would make sure that any passenger who dared to enter the bus knew exactly who was boss.
Double-Decked Gangsters
Gangs of double-decked bandits would roam the streets five at a time. They sought out line-ups of senior citizens waiting at a bus stop, anxious from having waited for an hour for a bus into town to collect their pensions. Flooring the gas pedal they would race straight on by, throwing up a spray of rainwater from the gutter onto innocent bystanders.
On The Buses
So you watched the TV show "On The Buses" and were deceived into believing British bus drivers are just a fun-loving bunch of regular guys did you? Now you know the terrible truth.
The Pope arrives at the Pearly Gates of Heaven with a look of supreme confidence on his face. He touches Saint Peter on the shoulder, closes his eyes and recites a short private prayer, then begins to walk on through the gates for his long anticipated personal meeting with God. Saint Peter looks confused.
"Oi, hold on just a minute, Holy Father" he calls out, then rushes past the Pope and secures the lock on the gates. "How can I help you?" inquires the Pope with a quizzical look on his face. "You can't enter" replies Saint Peter. "Well, at least, not quite yet Holy Father" he sputters. "Would you mind waiting in the lounge while we process you?"
The Pope looks somewhat taken aback but, maintains his regal demeanour and takes a seat in the lounge outside the gates. While flicking through a copy of the "Catholic Times" that wouldn't be published in the mortal world until the next day, his eye is caught by another arrival at the Pearly Gates. The previous scene is repeated with uncanny precision as the Archbishop of Canterbury makes his arrival and, just like His Holiness the Pope, is directed to the lounge.
Now that the day's VIPs have been received and seated, Saint Peter turns his attention to the long line-up of commoners who have assembled outside the big gates. First in line is a deceased London bus driver. Saint Peter waves him straight through and directs him towards the lane leading to the throne of God.
The Pope and the Archbishop look each other in the eye and then at Saint Peter. In a spontaneous and simultaneous outburst of apoplexy they explode in anger and demand that the guardian of the gates explain why they, two of the highest ranking religious leaders in the mortal world, were held back while the commoner was waved through without any hesitation or delay.
"Holy gentlemen" says Saint Peter as he takes each one by the arm, "shall we take a seat in the lounge again for a moment while I explain." All three settle down into the comfortable silk covered chairs in the Heavenly lounge. With a strident and commanding voice, Saint Peter then tells the two holy leaders: "Gentlemen, your lifelong works of devotion in the mortal world are deeply appreciated, but the other gentleman was a London bus driver for thirty years. He put the fear of God into more people than the two of you combined."
Who's The Boss?
The haughty power of London bus drivers was reinforced by their deputies - the "clippies", formally known as "bus conductors". While drivers hurled their double-decked monster buses through the narrow, winding streets of London in a reign of terror, clippies would make sure that any passenger who dared to enter the bus knew exactly who was boss.
Double-Decked Gangsters
Gangs of double-decked bandits would roam the streets five at a time. They sought out line-ups of senior citizens waiting at a bus stop, anxious from having waited for an hour for a bus into town to collect their pensions. Flooring the gas pedal they would race straight on by, throwing up a spray of rainwater from the gutter onto innocent bystanders.
On The Buses
So you watched the TV show "On The Buses" and were deceived into believing British bus drivers are just a fun-loving bunch of regular guys did you? Now you know the terrible truth.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
10 Reasons I Left Britain #2. The Petty Aristocracy
Upper Middle, Middle Middle and ...?
Being of British descent, Canada has inherited the old country's social class system. We just don't do it very well. Here in Canada we have three tiers in our social hierarchy: lower middle class, upper middle class and "the rich". Nobody, it seems, calls themselves "working class". Even our left-wing politicians refer to their supporters as "ordinary people" or "working families". The Canadian social hierarchy is based entirely on material wealth. A knuckle-dragger with hairs on the palms of his hands can still be "middle class" if he has a detached home, two cars on the driveway and a steady job. If he gets lucky at Vegas he might even ascend to the ranks of "the rich".
A Mouth Full of Marbles
Things are so very different in the United Queendom. You can be homeless and as poor as a church mouse, but as long as you can trace your lineage to an "old money" family, you are one of the "nobs". You are a member of the upper class. Membership of the upper class entitles you to speak with a stiff upper lip (literally - and it can take quite a bit of practice to get it right) or, as some would have it, "a mouth full of marbles".
Actually, it is rumoured that some public schools (which are actually private schools) encourage filling the oral orifice with marbles in order to practice upper class speech patterns. The upper classes generally speak very slowly, very precisely and pad their sentences with archaic, obscure Latin and French phrases and polysyllabic words. But, of course, the nobs never use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
High Street High and Hard Knocks
The upper class maintain a lifelong loyalty to their high school and university. There are degrees of nobility within the top stratum. For example, "Eton and Balliol" outranks "Rugby and Robinson". Members of the Eton and Balliol sub-strata have to maintain a stiffer upper lip than Rugby and Robinson types.
Most of the upper class have become detached from their wealth over the centuries. A hundred years ago they might have been owners of one of Britain's "stately homes". These huge mansions are mostly in the hands of the state now. The "family" has lodgings within the stately home but the majority of the building is open to the lowly serfs. Upon payment of a modest admission fee, the lower orders can drag their knuckles through the stately corridors and gaze in awe at the fabulous wealth bequeathed to a grateful nation by a nobility that can no longer pay the bills for upkeep of their huge houses.
The Right Sort of Chap
Having a "title" does not even automatically entitle one to membership in the top tier anymore. "Gongs" are handed out to the hoi polloi these days. A trip to "Buck House" to shake the royal hand and receive an honour might make you feel like the dog's bollocks but, unless you are the "right sort of chap", you still haven't made it.
Membership of the top tier is so attractive that some people feign membership in its ranks. I like to call them the "petty aristocracy". Stiff upper lips, noses in the air and empty wallets. Don't forget to raise your cap when you pass them in the street.
Being of British descent, Canada has inherited the old country's social class system. We just don't do it very well. Here in Canada we have three tiers in our social hierarchy: lower middle class, upper middle class and "the rich". Nobody, it seems, calls themselves "working class". Even our left-wing politicians refer to their supporters as "ordinary people" or "working families". The Canadian social hierarchy is based entirely on material wealth. A knuckle-dragger with hairs on the palms of his hands can still be "middle class" if he has a detached home, two cars on the driveway and a steady job. If he gets lucky at Vegas he might even ascend to the ranks of "the rich".
A Mouth Full of Marbles
Things are so very different in the United Queendom. You can be homeless and as poor as a church mouse, but as long as you can trace your lineage to an "old money" family, you are one of the "nobs". You are a member of the upper class. Membership of the upper class entitles you to speak with a stiff upper lip (literally - and it can take quite a bit of practice to get it right) or, as some would have it, "a mouth full of marbles".
Actually, it is rumoured that some public schools (which are actually private schools) encourage filling the oral orifice with marbles in order to practice upper class speech patterns. The upper classes generally speak very slowly, very precisely and pad their sentences with archaic, obscure Latin and French phrases and polysyllabic words. But, of course, the nobs never use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
High Street High and Hard Knocks
The upper class maintain a lifelong loyalty to their high school and university. There are degrees of nobility within the top stratum. For example, "Eton and Balliol" outranks "Rugby and Robinson". Members of the Eton and Balliol sub-strata have to maintain a stiffer upper lip than Rugby and Robinson types.
Most of the upper class have become detached from their wealth over the centuries. A hundred years ago they might have been owners of one of Britain's "stately homes". These huge mansions are mostly in the hands of the state now. The "family" has lodgings within the stately home but the majority of the building is open to the lowly serfs. Upon payment of a modest admission fee, the lower orders can drag their knuckles through the stately corridors and gaze in awe at the fabulous wealth bequeathed to a grateful nation by a nobility that can no longer pay the bills for upkeep of their huge houses.
The Right Sort of Chap
Having a "title" does not even automatically entitle one to membership in the top tier anymore. "Gongs" are handed out to the hoi polloi these days. A trip to "Buck House" to shake the royal hand and receive an honour might make you feel like the dog's bollocks but, unless you are the "right sort of chap", you still haven't made it.
Membership of the top tier is so attractive that some people feign membership in its ranks. I like to call them the "petty aristocracy". Stiff upper lips, noses in the air and empty wallets. Don't forget to raise your cap when you pass them in the street.
Friday, June 26, 2009
10 Reasons I Left Britain #1. The Weather
If you read the "10 Things I Miss About Britain" series of posts you may recall that #1 on that list was the British weather. How ironic, then, that it should also be top of this list! But the British weather tops both lists for two very good reasons: (1) summer and (2) winter. Here in the Toronto area we have four seasons every year: winter, summer, fall and winter again. Spring seems to pass by during the night. You go to bed with snow all over your lot. When you wake up the next morning your lawn is waterlogged because the hot weather has melted six months worth of accumulated snow. Summers are beautiful here in the Greater Toronto Area, but pass in the blink of an eye and then it's winter again.
Bloody Hippie!
By contrast, summers in Britain are a rarity. I mean real summers, not the warm rainy season that comes every year. I mean, blistering hot sunny days when the only comfortable clothing is a T-shirt, shorts and sandals. I was in Britain last summer dressed just like that. I could read the look on some people's faces: "bloody hippie". Of course, it wasn't a particularly hot summer; I had just forgotten how cold English summers can be. A few days later I had to change my "bloody hippie" clothes for an overcoat, scarf and gloves - in July!
Everybody has a Mac
I saw another person wearing shorts and sandals; I presumed that he was an overseas visitor too. The standard summer garb for a Brit is long pants and "trainers" below the waist with a shirt and "wooly jumper" above the waist. And, of course a "mac" (raincoat) for when it rains; because, chances are, it will rain.
1976
In the "10 Things I Miss Most About Britain" weather post I mentioned the summer of '76. Now that was a good one. The summer of 1977 was much anticipated but failed to deliver a repeat of the tropical conditions of the previous year. 1978 also produced disappointment, as did 1979 ... and 1980. By 1981 I had given up and was packing my belongings to move to Canada.
1982
The summer of 1982 was very hot and humid - here in Canada. I miss the short, mild winters of Britain but I don't think I will ever miss the inconsistent, disappointingly mild summers of the British Isles.
Bloody Hippie!
By contrast, summers in Britain are a rarity. I mean real summers, not the warm rainy season that comes every year. I mean, blistering hot sunny days when the only comfortable clothing is a T-shirt, shorts and sandals. I was in Britain last summer dressed just like that. I could read the look on some people's faces: "bloody hippie". Of course, it wasn't a particularly hot summer; I had just forgotten how cold English summers can be. A few days later I had to change my "bloody hippie" clothes for an overcoat, scarf and gloves - in July!
Everybody has a Mac
I saw another person wearing shorts and sandals; I presumed that he was an overseas visitor too. The standard summer garb for a Brit is long pants and "trainers" below the waist with a shirt and "wooly jumper" above the waist. And, of course a "mac" (raincoat) for when it rains; because, chances are, it will rain.
1976
In the "10 Things I Miss Most About Britain" weather post I mentioned the summer of '76. Now that was a good one. The summer of 1977 was much anticipated but failed to deliver a repeat of the tropical conditions of the previous year. 1978 also produced disappointment, as did 1979 ... and 1980. By 1981 I had given up and was packing my belongings to move to Canada.
1982
The summer of 1982 was very hot and humid - here in Canada. I miss the short, mild winters of Britain but I don't think I will ever miss the inconsistent, disappointingly mild summers of the British Isles.
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