Tales From the Trip: #6 Time of Tide Waits for No Man

Blighty's Blog recently spent a fortnight in the United Queendom. We came back with some great "tales from the trip". Here's another one.

At the insistence of SWMBO (She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed), a family reunion in the north-east of England was punctuated by a trip even further north to the Holy Island of Lindisfarne just off the Northumberland coast near the Scottish border.

Celtics 1 Vikings 1
SWMBO wanted to immerse herself in the Celtic culture celebrated on the Island. I was drawn there by another instinct. Over a thousand years ago, my ancestors crossed the North Sea in small boats intent on rape, pillage and plunder.

Rape, Pillage & Plunder
The Vikings made their first British landing on Lindisfarne. They proceeded to import their own unique stlye of brutal nordic tourism up and down the east coast of England, establishing a Viking presence in Britain that lasted several hundred years.

Twice a Day
Lindisfarne is actually only a true island twice a day. It is connected to the mainland of Northumberland by a three mile long causeway. At low tide, hundreds of cars pour onto the island to soak up its ancient culture and visit its historic priory and castle.

Pay Attention!
There is an ancient English phrase "time and tide wait for no man". No one knows the origin of the phrase but visitors to Lindisfarne should pay particular attention to it. If you are planning on crossing the causeway, never ignore the fact that the time of the local North Sea tide really doesn't wait for anybody.

Saved From a Watery Grave
Every year a few foolhardy tourists seem to want to find out whether their cars are amphibious. They usually become clients of the Royal Air Force whose helicopters, based at nearby RAF Boulmer, pluck them from the crude and uninviting rescue towers along the causeway.

The tidal currents are very strong and, even though the RAF or the RNLI (Royal National Lifeboat Institute) may be able to rescue the foolhardy, their cars remain at the unforgiving mercy of the North Sea.

Rush Hour
Tide tables are available online and safe crossing times are posted at each end of the causeway. But here's a tip from Blighty's Blog: if you wait until the latest possible safe crossing time you may be competing with hundreds of other cars trying to squeeze a few extra minutes on the island.

And whatever you do, don't run out of petrol on the causeway!

Tales From the Trip: #5 The Haunted Inn

Blighty's Blog recently spent a fortnight in the United Queendom. We came back with some great "tales from the trip". Here's another one.

The Bailey Round
When I was just a young lad I worked as a newspaper delivery boy. Although I was a Londoner by birth, fortune had taken my family to the City of Durham in the northeast of England. I must have impressed my employer for I was given the prestigious "Bailey Round". My route took me to the doors of all the high church officials associated with Durham Cathedral.

Posh Folk Don't Tip
As I later discovered, none of the other boys wanted anything to do with the Bailey Round because the high-ranking, wealthy people living in the posh homes surrounding the cathedral were very poor tippers at Christmas.

In the Dim Light of Early Morning
So, at six-thirty every morning, I loaded up my canvas sack with plentiful copies of the Times, the Daily Telegraph, the Church Times and the pink broadsheet Financial Times and set off for the finest neighborhood in the whole of the northeast of England.

Grotesque Gargoyles
The homes along "The Bailey" are ancient stone structures. The grotesque gargoyles atop the cathedral buttresses leer down at passers-by. The street is narrow, deserted and spooky in the dim light of early morning. I was often startled by the creak of an ancient door opening and sundry other noises that broke the eerie silence in this most ancient quarter of the city.

A Towering Cathedral and Ancient Castle
The Bailey runs along one side of a spectacular peninsula created by a horseshoe bend in the River Wear. The ground enclosed by the bend rises high above the river. On top of the high ground sits Durham Cathedral and Durham Castle - two mighty buildings that dominate the city and can be seen for miles. This is the district in which distinguished theologians ply their trade and students with sights set on entry into the church learn their profession at the ancient collegiate university.

Something Very Strange
I must have performed my duties with distinction because, after a couple of years, I was promoted to the role of supervisor of newspaper delivery boys and no longer had to carry that heavy canvas bag through those dark, sinister streets. But I had no way of knowing that something from those streets stayed with me. Something that would lie dormant and come back to haunt me many years later.

The Recurring Dream
I left Durham City a few years later and did not return until the summer of 2009 - nearly 40 years later. I had to go back. I was curious. For several years I have been having a strange recurring dream. In my dream I visit a public house on Saddler Street which leads directly into the Bailey. I walked that street every morning on my route.

It is a very vivid, yet brief dream and it is always the same. I could not even remember whether there was a public house on that street and I never paid much attention to the dream.

But, in August 2009, I returned to Durham City, determined to find out whether that pub existed. It does, and what I discovered when I found it was profoundly disturbing. A sign on the outside of the pub reads:

This building dates back to 1109AD. It was an inn called The Ostler & Groom in 1468AD. It remains one of the most haunted pubs in England.

A strange tale, but completely true.

Tales From the Trip: #4 All Manor of Rabbits

Blighty's Blog recently spent a fortnight in the United Queendom. We came back with some great "tales from the trip". Here's another one.

It was our first night in England. She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed and I were checked into the Premier Inn at Gatwick Manor in southern England.

Sshh! Come and Look at This
We were enjoying a quiet stroll around the ample grounds of the hotel as dusk was setting in. A small meadow stretched into a quiet wooded copse behind the building. As I approached I saw a group of half a dozen rabbits sitting on the grass.

I summoned my wife to come quickly and quietly so that she could share in this first sighting of British wildlife on the trip. Little did we know what sights we would witness before we left the hotel two days later.

Medieval Manor Under Siege
Gatwick Manor is a medieval manor house under siege. The six rabbits we saw on that first night were a scouting party for the hundreds we were to witness over the next couple of days.

By morning, the main rabbit army had arrived. Echelons of rabbit infantry were advancing onto the manor grounds, sweeping across the long winding driveway leading to the parking lot of the hotel.

I Fired a Few Shots
I pulled out my Canon and fired a few shots at them from across the battlefield. They retreated but then reformed and advanced again. We climbed into our car and drove as quickly as we could toward the main road to Crawley.

The entire rabbit force of several hundred - maybe several thousand - was concentrated in the grounds of Gatwick Manor but the roads were clear. Once we were out of the manor grounds we were safe.

Continued on page 94.

Tales From the Trip: #3 Premier Inns

Blighty's Blog recently spent a fortnight in the United Queendom. We came back with some great "tales from the trip". Here's another one.

Where to Stay in Britain?
She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed and I spent two weeks touring England in August. A few nights were spent with family and friends but the rest of the time we had to find our own accomodation.

Bed & Very Big Breakfast
During previous trips we had used bed & breakfast establishments and were reasonably happy with the arrangement. This year, we took a serious look at the economics of staying at B&Bs and made a different decision.

B&Bs can vary a lot in quality and comfort and the cost includes the famous "full English breakfast". SWMBO and I rarely eat a cooked breakfast at home so we questioned why we should pay for a meal we don't want when travelling.

A little research on the Whirled Wild Web produced a handy alternative that we decided to try this year. We chose Britain's largest chain of budget priced hotels - Premier Inns.

Premier Inns Outnumber Pubs?
There are so many Premier Inns in Britain that they will soon outnumber pubs (which, we learned, are closing at the rate of 40 per week). Behind the familiar sign on the front lawn nearly all Premier Inns are strikingly similar. The rooms are all so alike that we felt a strong sense of deja-vu as we moved from town to town.

Our double rooms each had a king-size bed with phone, TV and a room heater. One thing that is missing though is air-conditioning. One or two nights were quite warm and our room was stuffy and humid.

Gastronomically Good
Most Premier Inns are co-located with a gastropub in which meals can be purchased. The quality of food was excellent and the prices were very reasonable. Two can eat for £9.95 if you take advantage of the early evening special.

Get Online for a Couple of Quid
Every Premier Inn features two computers in the lobby. You can purchase 40 minutes of high-speed Internet use for just £2 to catch up on your email. Payment is by credit card or you can buy vouchers at reception.

Inn and Out
Premier Inns can become very busy so you would be well-advised to book ahead. We showed up without a reservation and found a fully-booked hotel on two occasions. Every Premier Inn has access to a booking database for every other Premier Inn. Just ask at reception at any Inn and they are very happy to make reservations for you in another city.

High Marks
Blighty's Blog gives the Premier Inn chain an overall rating of 8 out of 10 and will be using Premier Inns again on our next trip.

Tales From the Trip: #2 FlyGlobespan

Blighty's Blog recently spent a fortnight in the United Queendom. We came back with some great "tales from the trip". Here's another one.

The Curse of Blighty's Blog
Blighty's Blog travelled to the Land of Hope and Glory last year on Zoom Airlines. They let us down so we put a blog curse on them. Weeks later they went bust. This year we ventured across the sea to England once more; this time with FlyGlobespan. We loaded up for bear, put on our woad, gritted our teeth and prepared for battle with another airline.

A Hex on Zoom
A year ago we shelled out a few extra dollars for "Premium Economy" seats on Zoom. We got priority check-in and boarding but we were shell-shocked to discover Zoom's "premium" seats were identical to their regular seats except for being four inches further apart.

So Much Better
So, this year, when we arrived at the airport with our "business class" tickets (for which we paid about a $150 premium each way) we were primed for another disappointment. We didn't receive any priority check-in or boarding at the airport which was a surprise and a warning. But when we entered the aircraft - a nice wide-body Boeing 767 - we were pleased and relieved to see that our $150 was well spent.

Leather Luxury
FlyGlobespan's business class seating was very comfortable. The rows were sufficiently well-spaced to allow the deeply reclining leather seats to be fully deployed without annoying passengers in the row behind. Each seat also had an adjustable leg and footrest. Economy class seats are also leather-covered but are narrower and do not have the wide row spacing found in business class.

A Better Airport
FlyGlobespan flies in and out of Hamilton Airport which is a pleasant change from Toronto's Pearson Airport. Hamilton Airport is an efficient, well-equipped regional facility and far less crowded than Pearson. There are no jet bridges so passengers have to walk across the apron and climb stairs to board the aircraft. That could be a problem in wet weather.

Our flight departed on time and arrived early. We travelled to London Gatwick via Belfast where we had a forty-five minute stopover. The journey was comfortable and the flight crew were polite and efficient.

Don't Board Hungry
Our flight departure time was around 8pm and we weren't served dinner until a couple of hours into the flight. My suspicious mind decided that this is a cost-cutting measure. Airlines probably have to feed passengers at particular intervals during a flight. By delaying dinner service as long as possible they escaped the obligation to serve a breakfast before landing. Sure enough, "breakfast" was a small cup of water.

£2 for a Cuppa
Flyglobespan charges even for tea and coffee in flight (even in business class) but meals are included in the ticket price. Headsets and blankets are offered for sale. The seat headset jacks are the common 3.5mm stereo type found on almost all audio equipment, so if you have your own headset, take it with you.

Car? What Car?
Flyglobespan operates a ticketless service. Book online and check-in with just your reservation number and photo id. We had rented a car at Gatwick through the airline and that created a problem when we arrived. After making our way to the car rental hall at Gatwick we realized that the airline had not advised us which car rental company they do business with.

Fortunately, the very helpful staff at Avis and Thrifty finally found our reservation (with Thrifty). It wasn't easy though. FlyGlobespan had not forwarded our booking to Thrifty who had no record of our car reservation. It was only when their helpful desk attendant made a few phone calls that we got our car.

Despite our apprehension about travelling with another budget airline we completed our round trip with a generally positive feeling about FlyGlobespan and would recommend that you give them a try.

Brits Pay More
One further note about FlyGlobespan. They have a Canadian website (flyglobespan.ca) and a UK website (flyglobespan.com). When we booked our flights in May we found that the same seats, on the same flights, cost a lot more if booked through their UK website (read about it here). When I went online - in the UK - to reconfirm our return flights I was blocked from visiting the airline's Canadian website. Perhaps the folks up in Scotland, where FlyGlobespan is based, read Blighty's Blog; lots of people do you know.

Tales From the Trip: #1 The One Eyed Dutchman

Blighty's Blog recently spent a fortnight in the United Queendom. We came back with some great "tales from the trip". Here's another one.

I wait with baited breath.The UK police have two weeks to issue a notice of intent to prosecute. Am I a wanted man? Did I get caught by any of their one-eyed Dutchmen while I toured around England?

They Shoot You in the Back
The "one-eyed Dutchmen" is the ubiquitous speed camera in use throughout the UK. I drove past hundreds of them during a two-week journey that took me from London's Gatwick airport to the Scottish border and back again. These Dutchmen shoot you in the back as you pass by. Cowards. Dumb, ignorant unthinking cowards. The most visible of them all is the Gatsometer invented in Holland. Hated on both sides of the English Channel many are condemned to death by fires set by angry protestors.

Evil Eye
The Gatsometer is a yellow box atop a post at the side of the road. It points its evil eye at a set of white lines on the carriageway. The one-eyed Dutchman fires a radar signal at the back of each passing car. If the vehicle is travelling too fast the Dutchman takes a picture of the license plate. A second picture is taken moments later to enable the dreaded box to compute the vehicle's speed.

What Size Shoes Do Policemen Wear?
The police then have two weeks to issue a notice of intent to prosecute - longer if the vehicle is a "hire car". The police, whose business revenue depends upon erring motorists paying fines, vehemently defend the notion that speeding causes accidents. But anybody with an IQ higher than his shoe size can see the shallow value of that argument.

A Double-Double and a Dutchie
What really happens on Britain's roads is that motorists drive hell-for-leather and slow down only when they pass by a speed camera. With many thousands of these devices throughout Britain to babysit road discipline the police are freed for other duties. Tim Horton's would do well there.

Go Like Hell
Britain's motorways are peppered with roadworks where the speed limit is lowered from 70mph to 50mph. Compliance with the 50mph limit is enforced by using cameras to measure average speed within a controlled zone. But roadworks cause traffic to become congested, frequently slowing to a crawl. When the congestion clears Britain's motorists can go like hell to compensate for the delay without exceeding the "average" speed limit.

Too Many Pedals
It took me a few days to re-acclimatize to driving on Britain's narrow, winding roads in a car with too many pedals on the floor and a strange stick beside the driver's seat. I drove very cautiously at first. British drivers were unforgiving. They drove so close behind me I could see the colour of their eyes. I upset a few of them by finding myself in the wrong lane approaching a roundabout.

Driven to Drink
One British driver has probably taken to drink to calm himself after encountering me on a bend in the road in Lincolnshire. My keener observance of the English Highway Code incited him to overtake me dangerously. He drew alongside me a little further down the road, wound down his window and said: "I am jolly cross with you old chap" - at least that was the gist of his blessing to me.

Seeing Red
And, just like here in Canada, red lights in Britain now seem to mean "floor the gas and go for it" to many British drivers. They have a camera for that too.

100 More Brits to Throw a Shoe at

We wrapped up our "6 Brits to Throw a Gong at" series by re-publishing the "100 Most Popular Britons" list. So, to keep the balance, here is the list of the 100 worst Britons filched from Wikipedia (although the original source is ITV).

You may be stunned to see H.M. The Queen in tenth place on this list. Apparently she appears here because of her family's German origins.

Once again, this is a very unofficial poll that shouldn't be taken terribly seriously (ESPECIALLY the bit about the Queen).

1. Tony Blair
2. Jordan
3. Margaret Thatcher
4. Jade Goody (since deceased)
5. Martin Bashir
6. Gareth Gates
7. Alex Ferguson
8. 'H' from Steps
9. Geri Halliwell
10. HM The Queen
11. Liam Gallagher
12. Chris Evans
13. Victoria Beckham
14. Rik Waller
15. Anthea Turner
16. Bernard Manning (since deceased)
17. Robbie Williams
18. Peter Stringfellow
19. Neil and Christine Hamilton
20. Jim Davidson
21. Charlotte Church
22. Darren Day
23. Lady Victoria Hervey
24. HRH The Prince of Wales
25. Anne Robinson
26. Edwina Currie
27. Chris Moyles
28. Jamie Oliver
29. Cliff Richard
30. Max Clifford
31. The 3AM Girls
32. Naomi Campbell
33. Simon Cowell
34. Sara Cox
35. Harry Potter
36. Tara Palmer Tomkinson
37. James Hewitt
38. Andrew Lloyd Webber
39. Catherine Zeta Jones
40. HRH The Earl of Wessex
41. Tracy Emin
42. Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen
43. Mick Hucknall
44. Michael Winner
45. Pete Waterman
46. Prince Naseem Hamed
47. Ainsley Harriott
48. Trinny and Susannah
49. Peter Mandelson
50. Ken Livingstone
51. Darius Danesh
52. Amanda Holden
53. Zoe Ball
54. Martine McCutcheon
55. Elton John
56. Ant and Dec
57. Alastair Campbell
58. Ozzy Osbourne
59. Byers and Moore
60. Richard Madeley
61. Vinnie Jones
62. Alan Titchmarsh
63. HRH the Countess of Wessex
64. Chris Tarrant
65. Ben Elton
66. Jeremy Clarkson
67. Jeremy Spake
68. Carol Vorderman
69. David Dickinson
70. Frank Skinner
71. Paul Burrell
72. Tom Jones
73. Sarah Ferguson
74. Carol Smillie
75. Liz Hurley
76. HRH The Princess Royal
77. Guy Ritchie
78. Delia Smith
79. Johnny Vaughan
80. Peter Tatchell
81. Sting
82. Gordon Ramsay
83. Mick Jagger
84. Damien Hirst
85. Julie Burchill
86. Richard Branson
87. John Prescott
88. Judith Chalmers
89. Cherie Blair
90. Nigella Lawson
91. David Beckham
92. Will Young
93. Vanessa Feltz
94. Ann Widdecombe
95. Davina McCall
96. Chris Eubank
97. Lord Irvine
98. Craig David
99. Iain Duncan Smith
100. Atomic Kitten