England Squad to be Lynched on Arrival in UK?

Following their crushing defeat by Germany in South Africa, England players are understandably reluctant to rush back home to the United Queendom where they fully expect to be lynched by angry mobs.

We understand their plane stopped at a secret location in Africa for a friendly match against a team called Theirown Shadows. Sadly England lost that match too. England striker Wayne Rooney who gave a Churchillian salute to photographers through the window of the team bus as the players left South Africa told reporters about the game.

"In the first half we had the Sun on our backs and the Shadows just seemed to stick to us like glue. In the second half the Shadows were behind us everywhere we ran. Our players just couldn't shake them."

Now Blighty's Blog has heard a rumour that Argentinian sports entrepreneur Anne Kidney has been in London talking to the FA about buying a stake in the team.

Blighty's Blog understands that the FA will release all the players from England's South African squad. The players will then be transferred to Argentinian side Fray Bentos. Ms Kidney's stake in the team was established last week following a secret meeting with FA officials in which a substantial sum of money changed hands.

Details are sketchy at this stage but a private memo, in Spanish, passed to Blighty's Blog by our correspondent in Buenos Aires, Mal Vinas, was hastily translated by our staff in Canada; it reads:
"England team now Fray Bentos Stake Anne Kidney prize."

England Will Win World Cup for First Time Since 1066: FIFA Spokesman Vuvu Zela

England's confident World Cup team issued a bold statement in South Africa this morning. "We will win it all" claims a secret change room informant who wishes to remain anonymous but is, in fact, a Mr Alfred Ramsey of Dagenham, Essex.

Tension is already building between the English and German teams as they anticipate a tense replay of the grudge match in the 1066 World Cup final where the good guys beat the bad guys 4-2 in overtime at the old Wembley Stadium.

Questions have been raised about the rivalry between the two national teams such as: "was it really as long ago as 1066 when England last won the World Cup?" Soccer spokesman Mr Phut Ball of Bradford, Yorkshire explains: "yes, I learn about it in school; 1066 very big year for England."

Blighty's Blog's investigative reporter Sikh Andyeshallfind contacted FIFA at their office in South Africa to confirm the date of England's last win. We understand the telephone connection was very noisy and the conversation was hard to follow, but a FIFA spokesperson identifying himself as a Mr Vuvu Zela confirmed the date as "@#&*^%$66, yes it was @#&*^%$66".

I don't have an accent!

An elderly English gentleman was walking along the road one day. He looked rather weary and leaned heavily on his cane as he struggled along in the summer heat. The local vicar was returning home in his car along the same road. When he saw the old man he pulled over and wound down his car window.

"I say" called the vicar to the old man; "can I give you a lift?"

"No thanks" the man replied, "I live in a bungalow".

It's okay to wince; it really wasn't a good joke and it would have been entirely lost on citizens of the Excited States to whom a building lift is an "elevator".

Several years ago I visited New Orleans on business (long before Katrina the wicked wind goddess of the Atlantic destroyed the city). One morning I found myself inside the hotel lift/elevator with a gentleman and his wife. The gentleman gestured towards the buttons on the wall and inquired as to which floor I wanted.

"Fourth floor please" I responded.

The gentleman's wife's face lit up as she turned towards me and loudly proclaimed - in a broad southern drawl - "Oh! you have an accent!!!!"

Had I been thinking quickly I might have replied "and I presume that you, madam, speak standard English". But I missed the moment.

Being of a cockney persuasion myself, I was given to teasing my Manchester born wife about her accent. "I don't have an accent" she would protest in a broad Lancashire dialect. I still tease today but she no longer denies it - she drives a Hyundai Accent.

Anywhere in Canada except the Maritimes, you can drive two thousand miles without hearing any significant change in dialect. In Britain you can sometimes drive as much as a hundred miles before the dialect changes so completely that you need a translator to communicate.

It certainly hasn't escaped the attention of the folks at George Mason University in the Excited States that English is spoken around the world with a huge variety of local dialects. In fact they have a database that currently has 1290 variations. You can listen to them all by visiting the university's Speech Accent Archive. I say, th'can listen t'them all b'visiting the university's Speech Accent Archive th'knows.