Never Again Says England Boss

"We'll never bid again" says Andy Anson, captain of England's failed bid to host FIFA's World Cup competition in 2018.

"There is no point in England bidding again until FIFA changes its voting system" he went on to say. Investigative reporters for Blighty's Blog revealed that FIFA's price is just too high.

"We don't mind stuffing a few fivers in somebody's back pocket" said a spokesman who wished to remain anonymous "but these guys in Zurich are just asking too much. Britain is still in a recession you know".

Blighty's Blog tried asking further questions but the door with the number "10" on it abruptly closed in our reporter's face. However, another unpublished Wikileaks report that fell into our hands this week reveals that FIFA votes will soon be trading on exchanges in London, New York and Tokyo.

FIFA Boss to be Guest of Prince William

Blighty's Blog has learned that FIFA president Sepp Blatter is to be invited to Britain as a very special guest of Prince William.

Our Buckingham Palace correspondent, Elizabeth Scorgis, has learned that the prince has issued a personal invite to Mr Blatter following their meeting in Zurich this week during which England's bid to host the 2018 World Cup was soundly rejected.

The prince, we are told, wants to pay back Mr Blatter for the special treatment the England bid team received in Blatter's home country of Switzerland.

A special apartment is being prepared in the Tower of London where the FIFA supremo will be staying during his visit. The Tower, of course, was used in the past to house traitors during their trial and eventual execution.

Mr Blatter will be given ample opportunity to visit the dungeons and torture chambers where hapless victims once suffered terrible torments. He will even be invited to lay his head on the very same block used to execute many prominent and high profile prisoners during the Tower's long sordid history.

Mr Blatter's office in Zurich has expressed concern that FIFA's head will be cut off from day-to-day activities at FIFA headquarters in Zurich. The Prince's office has re-assured Zurich agreeing that it's head will be briefly cut off, but that Mr Blatter will be drawn to the attractions of the Tower and will want to hang around where he will be well quartered during his stay in Britain.

British Leader David Beckham Goes for Goal

British leader David Beckham met with FIFA president Sepp Blatter in Zurich this week to discuss England's bid to host soccer's World Cup in 2018.

Beckham brought along two ball boys to help convince the supreme ruler of international soccer that, despite efforts by the BBC to sabotage England's bid, the Queendom has what it takes to be a good host. Beckham's assistants, Mr David Cameron - a resident of London - and Mr David Dein - head ball boy of the England 2018 bid sat quietly in the background while Beckham battled Blatter.

Earlier in the week BBC Television's Panorama program had pointed its blundering blunderbuss at FIFA officials, accusing three of them of accepting bribes.

Blighty's Blog soccer correspondent Penn Altekik, reporting from our European bureau in New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-upon-Tyne) has seen an as-yet unpublished secret Wikileaks document from Drowning Street instructing the BBC to offer bribes to FIFA officials.

The red-faced public broadcasting mandarins in Bush House apparently misinterpreted the message and "screwed everything up" reports Altekik.

FIFA Announces Goal-Line Technology

FIFA officials have been very bashful about a new goal-line technology they have been working on. It involves the use of cameras to determine whether a soccer ball has crossed the goal line. When the technology has been perfected it will allow referees to decide whether a disputed decision should be upheld or overturned.

Blighty's Blog's World Cup correspondent in South Africa - Mr Veva Zulu - has obtained an image taken by an experimental FIFA goal line camera clearly showing that England's disallowed goal in the game against Germany definitely did NOT cross the line.

FIFA did not allow this image to influence the referee's decision because the equipment still has some minor glitches that need to be ironed out.

England Squad to be Lynched on Arrival in UK?

Following their crushing defeat by Germany in South Africa, England players are understandably reluctant to rush back home to the United Queendom where they fully expect to be lynched by angry mobs.

We understand their plane stopped at a secret location in Africa for a friendly match against a team called Theirown Shadows. Sadly England lost that match too. England striker Wayne Rooney who gave a Churchillian salute to photographers through the window of the team bus as the players left South Africa told reporters about the game.

"In the first half we had the Sun on our backs and the Shadows just seemed to stick to us like glue. In the second half the Shadows were behind us everywhere we ran. Our players just couldn't shake them."

Now Blighty's Blog has heard a rumour that Argentinian sports entrepreneur Anne Kidney has been in London talking to the FA about buying a stake in the team.

Blighty's Blog understands that the FA will release all the players from England's South African squad. The players will then be transferred to Argentinian side Fray Bentos. Ms Kidney's stake in the team was established last week following a secret meeting with FA officials in which a substantial sum of money changed hands.

Details are sketchy at this stage but a private memo, in Spanish, passed to Blighty's Blog by our correspondent in Buenos Aires, Mal Vinas, was hastily translated by our staff in Canada; it reads:
"England team now Fray Bentos Stake Anne Kidney prize."

England Will Win World Cup for First Time Since 1066: FIFA Spokesman Vuvu Zela

England's confident World Cup team issued a bold statement in South Africa this morning. "We will win it all" claims a secret change room informant who wishes to remain anonymous but is, in fact, a Mr Alfred Ramsey of Dagenham, Essex.

Tension is already building between the English and German teams as they anticipate a tense replay of the grudge match in the 1066 World Cup final where the good guys beat the bad guys 4-2 in overtime at the old Wembley Stadium.

Questions have been raised about the rivalry between the two national teams such as: "was it really as long ago as 1066 when England last won the World Cup?" Soccer spokesman Mr Phut Ball of Bradford, Yorkshire explains: "yes, I learn about it in school; 1066 very big year for England."

Blighty's Blog's investigative reporter Sikh Andyeshallfind contacted FIFA at their office in South Africa to confirm the date of England's last win. We understand the telephone connection was very noisy and the conversation was hard to follow, but a FIFA spokesperson identifying himself as a Mr Vuvu Zela confirmed the date as "@#&*^%$66, yes it was @#&*^%$66".

World Cup: Sharks vs Hooligans

Shocking News from South Africa
In the run up to the start of this summer's World Cup soccer competition in South Africa, Blighty's Blog has uncovered a devilish plan to thwart trouble from English soccer hooligans.

Britain's press reported yesterday that South African authorities will be employing extra shark-spotters to protect visiting soccer fans. The waters around South Africa are notoriously infested with fan-eating sharks and World Cup organizers are concerned that local Great Whites may target visiting soccer tourists.

British Fans to Get Special Treatment

The official press story that broke yesterday omitted key details that Blighty's Blog has been able to uncover. Our South Africa correspondent Pik Dawinna has dug up a sinister sub-plot to the main story. In this Blighty's Blog exclusive we reveal the rest of the story.

It is true, South Africa is indeed recruiting extra shark-spotters during this summer's competition. But their real job is to steer the Great Whites toward a special beach reserved for British soccer hooligans. Beach patrol officials will then place hundreds of crates of lager along the beach.

Funding for the covert operation has reportedly been received from several European soccer federations who have hosted British soccer hooligans during previous competitions.

Story filed through Blighty's Blog's European bureau in Whopping Lye, England.

"Spot the ball!!!"

England to Win World Cup Before the End of the World

It's official. Britain's Sun newspaper has confirmed what fans of English football have known for the last 44 years. "England will win the World Cup before the end of the world".

In today's Sun there is a report that the Hubble Space Telescope has discovered an imminent supernova (exploding star) only 3000 light years from Earth. If the star explodes, as scientists predict, the blast will destroy life on Earth.

The announcement has stirred considerable controversy among doom-mongers. Proponents of global warming claim the supernova is irrelevant because their disaster was first in line. Meanwhile the H1N1 lobby maintains their pandemic will kill most of us before either global warming or the supernova can wipe us out.

A healthy looking economist stranded in snow from the worst winter in the northern hemisphere for 100 years told Blighty's Blog that the uncertainty surrounding the future of mankind has upset markets around the globe and has slowed recovery from the global recession. "We are all going to die from the aftermath of a collapse of the global economy" he stated chillingly.

Britain's Sun newspaper, renowned for its page 3 analysis of what matters most to Britain, commented on the destruction of life on Earth by the supernova saying: "Let's hope there's still time for England's very own stars to put in a stella (sic) performance at this summer's World Cup in South Africa."