"Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited" - John Cleese

Author John Corby also writes as "Bulldogge" for the British Canadian newspaper.

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Thursday, July 01, 2010

Ryanair ... ahem ... "seats" for a fiver

Michael "crazy man" O'Leary, the insane head of Ryanair has just given new meaning to the term "standby" when it comes to cut-throat priced air travel. Yes, you will be able to catch a Ryanair flight for as little as £5, but how many will actually want to?

You see, Mr O'Leary plans to transform "standby" into "standfly". Okay, Blighty's Blog does have a reputation for satirical exaggeration, but this story actually appeared in Britain's Daily Telegraph newspaper this morning. Ryanair plans to remove ten rows of seats from the rear of its aircraft and replace them with "standing seats". And if these "standing seats" give passengers such a fright as to make them need to use the lavatories they will have to drop a coin in the slot to go in and relieve themselves.

When Blighty's Blog heard this story we sent an investigative hack to dig out more details. Our man in Dublin, Hava Guinness, met with a group of Ryanair employees at their local hostelry for a 10 course liquid dinner. As the evening wore on more and more details emerged of madman O'Leary's plans to fill the sky with his Eire planes.

New Fleet of Aircraft
Ryanair plans to sell off its fleet of modern jet aircraft and replace them with a fleet of biplanes that will cost next to nothing to acquire and operate. Although the new planes will have less seating capacity than the jets, Ryanair plans to go with an all standing floor plan that will cram as many gullible cheapskates as possible into its flying Irish sardine cans.

In order to maximize the capacity of each flight even the new "standing seats" will be replaced with leather grab straps hanging from aircraft ceilings.

Elimination of Lavatory Charges
The newly implemented lavatory charges will be eliminated. Asked why Ryanair would reverse this controversial and unpopular charge so quickly, a Ryanair employee explained that there won't actually be any onboard lavatories. "Lavatories use too much floor space" he explained, "we can squeeze another six punters into the space where the lavatories stood".

Elimination of Aircrew
In a further move designed to increase capacity on its routes Ryanair will re-examine the need for aircrew. Ryanair is looking into whether it actually needs pilots on board its aircraft. In future Ryanair flights may be operated by ground-based pilots operating the aircraft by radio control. It will then be possible to eliminate cockpits creating space for another twenty standing passengers.

Elimination of Stopovers
In examining its operating costs Ryanair has determined that airport landing charges are a significant burden on its bottom line. These charges can be reduced dramatically by eliminating stopovers on long haul flights. A solution has been found that eliminates stopovers while further increasing capacity on its routes.

In the future one or more passenger-carrying gliders will be towed behind each Ryanair plane. Each glider will have an all-standing capacity of thirty-six passengers. As the flight passes stopover destinations gliders will be uncoupled and allowed to land in a convenient field near the destination city.

Elimination of Landing Charges
In fact Ryanair has another plan to eliminate airport landing charges completely by passing them onto passengers. Passengers will be charged a "carriage fee" for taking them to their destination but will them be asked to pay a "landing charge". Passengers who decline to pay the landing charge will be offered the use of a parachute for a nominal fee.

Al Fresco Seating
Ryanair has determined that the wing surfaces of its new fleet of biplanes could become an underutilized resource and has drafted a plan to install more leather grabs straps along the wings. An employee, who wished to remain anonymous, opined that passengers might actually enjoy the great view and fresh air in these "Al Fresco Seats".

Elimination of Airport Delays and Frustration
One of the biggest costs to Ryanair and sources of frustration and inconvenience to passengers is the use of large, modern  international airports. Ryanair recognizes the inconvenience to passengers of having to travel to the airport, pay exorbitant parking charges and be subjected to long delays and security checks.

In the future, Ryanair's passengers will be able to book a flight then wait outside their own front door for pickup. As their flight passes overhead a rope will be lowered ...

... continued on page 96

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