Health & Safety Mate!

Her Britannic Majesty's government has determined that military brass band music is detrimental to health. An article published on the BBC website today reveals that military bandsmen have been ordered to wear earplugs because the volume of their instruments could lead to hearing impairment.

The military musicians tend to disagree arguing that if they can no longer clearly hear what they are playing the music be out of tune. But the RNID (Royal National Institute for the Deaf) has turned a deaf ear to their protests and fully supports the government.

Meanwhile the RNIB (Royal National Institute for the Blind) is keeping an eye on the situation and may soon be petitioning the government to make the bandsmen wear sunglasses to protect them from the intense glare of sunlight reflecting from the highly polished brass instruments.

The government Health & Safety Executive is also considering extending the protection requirements to band audiences. Government spokesman Tony Deff-Dummanblind told Blighty's Blog that public safety is "of paramount concern" to HM Government.

Meanwhile, our Westminster correspondent T. Hames told Blighty's Blog that Conservative prime minister David Cameron has denied reports that the onerous new regulations were the result of a terrible bureaucratic misunderstanding. A rumour circulating in Whitehall suggests that a junior Tory staffer thought the surname of new Labour Party leader Ed Miliband was an abbreviation for "Military band".

The UK's New Simple Tax Plan

God bless Her Majesty's taxmen. They have a cunning new plan to simplify the tax system in the United Queendom. It is very simple indeed really. "Give us all the money you earn; we will take the government's share off the top and hand you the rest as your pocket money".

Admittedly, Blighty's Blog has been known to elaborate or invent stories in the past. But that is not the case with this story. This is a real, bona-fide plan by Her Majesty's taxmen; it was reported in today's online version of Britain's Daily Express newspaper.

Stunning in its simplicity, this innovative plan will avoid any possibility of future embarrassing government errors, such as the recent one in which thousands of taxpayers received a huge bill because the government had miscalculated their source deductions.

The official responsible for the tax department's error refused to apologize until an angry mob held him upside down from an open window above the frosty waters of the River Thames in London.

Is it Really Such a Bad Idea?
On reflection, wouldn't it be nice not to have to worry about money? Why not let the taxman take it all and then ask the government to provide us with housing, food and everything else we need? We could line up outside the government office for bread on Mondays, milk on Tuesdays ...

... continued on page 94

Newsflash from New York

Blighty's Blog is keeping a close watch on New York for the latest breaking news. In a recent post we unveiled details of our three latest news bureaus in New York, Washington and Philadelphia. New York is the first bureau to report.

Most people know where New York is located, but for the geographically challenged, here are the directions. Take the A19 north from Newcastle-upon-Tyne until you reach the A191 (New York Road) at West Allotment. Turn right and you will be there in no time at all.

Blighty's Blog head office in the heart of Orangeville, Ontario, Canada has its finger on the pulse of New York. We ran an update check on the official New York website at: http://www.ukvillages.co.uk/Place/19883/New+York-Tyne+and+Wear.

Hot off the New York website, here is what is happening as our presses begin to roll:

• Events: 0
• Societies and Groups: 0
• Businesses: 0

So there you have it. It's a quiet newsday in New York so we return you now to the studio.

PS: The website at http://www.ukvillages.co.uk is a good resource for researching other places that may be contributing somewhat more to the heartbeat of modern Britain.

New York, Philadelphia, Washington

Strategic Underground Operations Hub

In a continuing effort to bring the latest news to readers, Blighty's Blog has opened satellite bureaus in New York, Washington and Philadelphia. The new bureaus will file stories through an operations hub in the basement of a building on Newbottle Street in Houghton-le-Spring in the northeast of England.

But Why New York, Philadelphia and Washington? 
Blighty's Blog chose these locations due to their strategic importance. New York is just off the A19 with easy access to the Tyne Tunnel in Newcastle. Philadelphia is on the A182 just outside Sunderland and Washington is at the important junction between the A1231 and A1(M) with direct access to the Great North Road.

From their strategic location in the basement operations hub on Newbottle Street, our correspondents can be on-station in the three new bureaus within minutes.

Breaking News from Newbottle Street
Reports are already coming down the wire of a link between a secret building in the northeast of England and the Governor General of Canada. The mysterious structure sits atop a hill near Philadelphia. More details in a later bulletin.

STOP PRESS
The wire is now buzzing with news of a series of tragedies affecting a local family of aristocrats with links to Canada. Details are sketchy at this stage but early reports talk of missing cattle and small children ... and a large serpent ...

British PM Takes Paternity Leave

New British Prime Minister David Cameron has been keeping a dark secret from the people of the United Queendom. Elected by the merest squeak of a majority only four months ago, the British supremo has now surprised the world by taking his hand off the tiller to be a new daddy.

Yes, following the birth of his new daughter Florence Rose Endellion Cameron, the PM will be exercising his statutory right to take parental leave.

Rumours that the country will be governed from European Union offices in Brussels while Captain Cameron is busy changing nappies have not yet been confirmed by Blighty's Blog.

And a spokesperson for Deputy PM Nick Clegg has dismissed another rumour that, while in charge at Downing Street, young Nick will pass an Order-in-Council forcing all public servants (which includes the PM) to take a mandatory year's parental leave - effective immediately.

But, the big secret is not that the Conservative Captain was planning to take maternity leave as soon as he was elected. Blighty's Blog Buckingham Palace correspondent Elizabeth Scorgis uncovered the shattering real truth during a visit by the Tory Titan to the Palace this week.

The real reason for the PM's leave of absence is not about helping First Lady Samantha Cameron change diapers; Mr Cameron wants to spend some quality time with his new puppy Foo-Foo.