If they built southern Ontario's Highway 401 in Britain there wouldn't be much country left either side of the road. For readers living outside the Greater Toronto Area I should describe Highway 401. Also known as the "MacDonald-Cartier Freeway" it runs from the Windsor-Detroit border in the west, right across southern Ontario and on up to the Quebec border not far from Montreal.
Praise the Lord
As the 401 crosses the Toronto area it is between 16 and 20 lanes wide. It is actually two highways in one. The "express lanes" (ok Toronto commuters, stop laughing) form the core of the highway while the "collector lanes" feed traffic from intersections onto the main highway. There are cameras all the way along the highway so that people outside Toronto can look at all the motionless cars in rush hour (there 24 rush hours each day in Toronto) online and praise the Lord they don't have to drive there.
High Class Congestion
Traffic is so congested that another highway runs across Toronto parallel to Highway 401. It is a toll road called Highway 407. It has a higher class of congestion because people pay a lot of money to sit in traffic line-ups on the 407.
Watch for Gators
Roads in southern Ontario were built in a grid pattern designed by an Englishman (Governor John Simcoe). Outside the cities (whose roads are also built on a grid pattern) roads run roughly east-west and north-south. Ontario is divided into square lots of land each 200 acres in size. If you miss a turn in Ontario simply go around the block. I tried that idea while on vacation in Florida once and ended up in an alligator swamp.
Stuck in the Mud
British roads were built quite differently. When a road was needed to go from the village of Nether Wallop to its neighbouring community of Little Smackbottom it was built in a direct line. Roads are not straight but they do take a fairly direct route between two places. If you miss your turn do not even think about driving round the block; you will end up in Lost Waytown and it will be dark by then ... and the map won't show the "B" road that crosses the ford over the River Stuck-in-the-Mud that is closed for roadworks anyway.
Squeeze Please
British roads are not very wide. While on vacation in the soutwest of England last year we found a "B road" that was so narrow the hedges on both sides of the road were scraping against the sides of our car. We considered ourselves lucky that we hadn't chosen the "white road" instead. On British motoring maps, "A roads" are major routes, "B roads" are smaller local roads. "A roads" and "B roads" are given a number (eg: B2009) while unnumbered "white roads" are even narrower local roads.
Dizzy, I'm So Dizzy
The very best idea British road builders ever had was the roundabout. Visitors to Britain would not always agree with me on that. However, compare that to the Ontario road system which is a never-ending system of stop signs. The day you fail to come to a full and complete stop there will be a policeman waiting at the intersection who will be very pleased to make your acquaintance. When you approach a roundabout you merely have to yield to traffic already on the roundabout.
Roundabouts, or traffic circles as they are known here, are beginning to appear in some communities in Ontario. Construction of roundabouts is strongly opposed by the billionaires who own the factory making stop signs.
The problem with roundabouts is they cost more to build than stop signs. British road builders have found a way around that problem. Instead of the traditional half acre of land covered in inaccessible grass, they now build mini-roundabouts that are nothing more than a small round bump in the middle of an intersection. You can drive right over it if you wish. But then mysterious complexes of intersecting and adjacent concrete bumps started to appear.
It is rumoured that these new mini-roundabout complexes were inspired by the complex systems of crop circles that pop up overnight in British farm fields. It may be true; they make just about as much sense.
Showing posts with label 10 Things I Miss About Britain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 10 Things I Miss About Britain. Show all posts
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
10 Things I Miss Most About Britain: #10. The British Accent
Oh, You Have An Accent!
I was in a hotel elevator in New Orleans some years ago. An American couple were in the elevator with me. The gentleman asked me which floor I wanted. "Fourth floor please" I replied. "O-oohhh, you have an accent!!!" exclaimed his wife in a thick southern drawl. Don't you wish that the right words would come to you in these situations? I could have replied (perhaps somewhat sarcastically) "and I presume, madam, that you speak standard English!". But I was polite and explained my origins and current domicile in Canada. She told me she recognized a "hint of British" in my accent.
A Hundred Miles
So what is a "British accent"? You can travel 100 miles in Britain and people will speak quite differently. My own accent is rooted in "Cockney", but a period spent in the north-east taught me a little "Geordie". She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed is a "Yonner" from Oldham. We met in the midlands where people from the "Brummagem" area almost sing the English language. The accents of Scotland and Northern Ireland are remarkably unique and just as diverse.
Bi-Lingual Roadsigns
But regional variations in pronunciation are just the tip of the iceberg. Different languages are spoken in Britain. English, with all its regional accents, is predominant. Welsh is still very strongly supported by a lot of people. Cross the border into Wales and you will find bi-lingual roadsigns: English and Welsh. The Cornish language is dying out but there are still a few people down in the county where the palm trees grow who keep the language alive. And, in the Scottish Highlands and Islands, Gaelic is spoken. Unlike Canada, where many immigrant languages can be heard, Britain's languages are all native languages going back hundreds of years.
Ancient Teutonic
The English language originated from ancient Teutonic and has much in common with modern German. The English spoken in Chaucer's day would be unintellligible to modern Britons. The Georgian era brought a strong French influence which gave southerners the soft "ah" pronunciation of the letter "a" (as in "l-ah-st", "f-ah-st" etc). The north of England retained older pronunciations and is thought, by some scholars, to be closer to the older forms of the English language.
Yeh, Really Eh!
Americans may find British accents quaint but they have never sought to deny that they speak "English". English is the official language for air traffic control all around the world. It is still spoken - with regional variations - in many countries all around the planet. The idea of "standard English", also sometimes called "BBC English" is an anachronism. As my Canadian friends would say, "yeh, really eh!".
I was in a hotel elevator in New Orleans some years ago. An American couple were in the elevator with me. The gentleman asked me which floor I wanted. "Fourth floor please" I replied. "O-oohhh, you have an accent!!!" exclaimed his wife in a thick southern drawl. Don't you wish that the right words would come to you in these situations? I could have replied (perhaps somewhat sarcastically) "and I presume, madam, that you speak standard English!". But I was polite and explained my origins and current domicile in Canada. She told me she recognized a "hint of British" in my accent.
A Hundred Miles
So what is a "British accent"? You can travel 100 miles in Britain and people will speak quite differently. My own accent is rooted in "Cockney", but a period spent in the north-east taught me a little "Geordie". She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed is a "Yonner" from Oldham. We met in the midlands where people from the "Brummagem" area almost sing the English language. The accents of Scotland and Northern Ireland are remarkably unique and just as diverse.
Bi-Lingual Roadsigns
But regional variations in pronunciation are just the tip of the iceberg. Different languages are spoken in Britain. English, with all its regional accents, is predominant. Welsh is still very strongly supported by a lot of people. Cross the border into Wales and you will find bi-lingual roadsigns: English and Welsh. The Cornish language is dying out but there are still a few people down in the county where the palm trees grow who keep the language alive. And, in the Scottish Highlands and Islands, Gaelic is spoken. Unlike Canada, where many immigrant languages can be heard, Britain's languages are all native languages going back hundreds of years.
Ancient Teutonic
The English language originated from ancient Teutonic and has much in common with modern German. The English spoken in Chaucer's day would be unintellligible to modern Britons. The Georgian era brought a strong French influence which gave southerners the soft "ah" pronunciation of the letter "a" (as in "l-ah-st", "f-ah-st" etc). The north of England retained older pronunciations and is thought, by some scholars, to be closer to the older forms of the English language.
Yeh, Really Eh!
Americans may find British accents quaint but they have never sought to deny that they speak "English". English is the official language for air traffic control all around the world. It is still spoken - with regional variations - in many countries all around the planet. The idea of "standard English", also sometimes called "BBC English" is an anachronism. As my Canadian friends would say, "yeh, really eh!".
Sunday, June 14, 2009
10 Things I Miss Most About Britain: #9. The British Countryside
The Anglian ArchipelagoBritain is an island, actually a group of islands. Canada has a land area 36 times larger than Britain. The whole of the British Isles would fit inside Hudson's Bay five times over. But the population of Britain is approximately double that of Canada. You would think that the British stand shoulder-to-shoulder from coast to coast to coast. Of course, that isn't the case. There are very large areas throughout the British Isles that are either unspoiled, uninhabitated or open countryside. Vast areas in fact.
Mighty Mountains
Britain has several mountain ranges (at this point Albertan and BC readers roll on the ground in uncontrollable paroxysms of mirth). So does a mountain have to be over ten thousand feet high to be called a mountain? There are many lofty places in the British Isles. If you were to fall off any of them you would be singing with the choir immortal just as surely as if you had an accident in the mighty Rockies.
Britain's highest peak is Ben Nevis in Scotland. It reaches a height of 4409 feet and to reach the summit climbers must scale 2000 feet high sheer cliff faces - or walk up the easy ascent trail on the other side.
Marching Through the Heather
One of the most unique features of the British countryside are the moors. Moorland can be found almost everywhere except the southeast of England. The moors are a treeless expanse of often steep hills, sometimes covered with rough grasses, sometimes with brightly coloured purple heather. I have never found anything to match the British moorlands anywhere in North America.
The White Cliffs of Dover
In the southeast of England you will find rolling chalk hills; the North and South Downs. Near Dover in Kent, these hills drop off sharply into the English Channel to form spectacular cliffs. East Anglia in east central England is very flat and very close to sea level. The land is drained by a series of dykes to prevent flooding.
Narrow Winding Roads
Wherever you go you will find small villages separated by winding narrow roads. The province of Ontario in Canada was first surveyed by Governor John Graves Simcoe. Simcoe divided the province up into square parcels of land each exactly 200 acres in size. Roads were nearly always dead straight for long distances. Not so in England. English roads were built to go from one place to another as directly as possible, but winding around natural obstacles and privately owned land. You can rarely drive very far on English roads without encountering bends.
English roads were constructed over a period of hundreds of years. Many roads were designed for the horse and cart and are very narrow indeed. Canadian roads were built for the automobile and, in most provinces, have wide shoulders and ditches either side to aid snow removal in winter. English roads have hedgerows either side from which you can pick berries to make "summer wines".
English Country Gardens
Rainfall in Britain is relatively high compared to much of Canada (well, no surprises there). The vegetation tends to reflect that. The scenery is greener than most of Canada and there is a unique scent of nature in the air following a rainfall that I have only witnessed in the lower BC mainland over here. And, above all, a gardening season that lasts almost the entire year! How many flowers are there in an English country garden?
Saturday, June 13, 2009
10 Things I Miss Most About Britain: #8. History
The British Invasion?
There is one thing that defines the history of the British Isles - invasion by foreigners. Britain has been invaded - or a target of invasion - many times. In contrast, Canada has only been invaded once. The American invasion of Canada in 1812 led to a war that Canada won. Yes, the United States and Canada have existed side-by-side for a long time but have only been at war once. Americans, of course, deny they lost the war of 1812, but is Canada still an independent nation? Actually, that's a tricky question.
Throughout history, every single time that Britain was invaded, the British lost. There are two arguable exceptions. The first was the mighty Spanish Armada. They didn't actually invade though. Sir Francis Drake chased them up the English Channel and made artificial reefs out of quite a lot of them (did I tell the joke yet about modern Spanish naval vessels having glass bottoms so that Spanish sailors can see the old Spanish navy?)
The German army glowered across the channel in the 1940s but never actually invaded. They read their history books and knew the British people succumbed to every single invasion in the past, but when the Luftwaffe came a little too close to the white cliffs of Dover, the eternally famous "Few" saw them off.
Italy 1 England 0
Italy was the first recorded country to actually violate the shores of Britain. The ancient Britons were a primitive tribal race compared to the Imperial Army of Rome. The Romans had technology, organization and advanced military skills at their disposal. They changed the face of England, but when they met the Scots they simply built a wall to keep them out. I met the Tartan Army on a London subway station once and I can well imagine how the Romans must have felt.
Denmark 1 England 0
The next major wave of invasion came from Denmark, Norway and Sweden. These were my ancestors - the Vikings. The Vikings didn't bring civilization in the way the Romans did. Quite the opposite, in fact. We Vikings have hot blood and would rather rape, pillage and plunder than build nice roads. We did fill up a lot of North Sea ferries with some of our wilder chaps who caused quite a lot of bother over a wide swathe of England. We even settled, mostly in Eastern England, and ran the place for a while. Our legacy to England can be found in place names. All the villages with names ending in -by belonged to us.
France 1 England 0
Next up were the French. King William of Normandy sailed across the English Channel with a surprisingly large number of heavily armed Frenchmen all of whom were called Norman. A bloody battle ensued in a Hastings suburb called "Battle". The Battle of Hastings was characterized by the dominance of one of the most terrible weapons of war ever used - the longbow. Each side fired volleys of thousands of arrows into the air. As the sea of arrows came down the opposing army was torn to shreds. The Battle ended rather abruptly when the English commander-in-chief, King Harold, dropped his shield, looked up and said: "hey, look at all those arrows".
England 1 France 0
And Britain has relics of all these moments in its history. Iron Age settlements, castles, ancient churches and cathedrals, battlefields. Everywhere you go history surrounds you. So why is it that Canada lacks any trace of history older than the Battle of Quebec in 1759? In order not to offend Albertans I hasten to add that there is ample evidence of the existence of Dinosaurs in that province. But what of human existence? The answer is that Canada is a new country; this land does not bear the evidence of hundreds of years of human settlement and I miss that.
There is one thing that defines the history of the British Isles - invasion by foreigners. Britain has been invaded - or a target of invasion - many times. In contrast, Canada has only been invaded once. The American invasion of Canada in 1812 led to a war that Canada won. Yes, the United States and Canada have existed side-by-side for a long time but have only been at war once. Americans, of course, deny they lost the war of 1812, but is Canada still an independent nation? Actually, that's a tricky question.
Throughout history, every single time that Britain was invaded, the British lost. There are two arguable exceptions. The first was the mighty Spanish Armada. They didn't actually invade though. Sir Francis Drake chased them up the English Channel and made artificial reefs out of quite a lot of them (did I tell the joke yet about modern Spanish naval vessels having glass bottoms so that Spanish sailors can see the old Spanish navy?)
The German army glowered across the channel in the 1940s but never actually invaded. They read their history books and knew the British people succumbed to every single invasion in the past, but when the Luftwaffe came a little too close to the white cliffs of Dover, the eternally famous "Few" saw them off.
Italy 1 England 0
Italy was the first recorded country to actually violate the shores of Britain. The ancient Britons were a primitive tribal race compared to the Imperial Army of Rome. The Romans had technology, organization and advanced military skills at their disposal. They changed the face of England, but when they met the Scots they simply built a wall to keep them out. I met the Tartan Army on a London subway station once and I can well imagine how the Romans must have felt.
Denmark 1 England 0
The next major wave of invasion came from Denmark, Norway and Sweden. These were my ancestors - the Vikings. The Vikings didn't bring civilization in the way the Romans did. Quite the opposite, in fact. We Vikings have hot blood and would rather rape, pillage and plunder than build nice roads. We did fill up a lot of North Sea ferries with some of our wilder chaps who caused quite a lot of bother over a wide swathe of England. We even settled, mostly in Eastern England, and ran the place for a while. Our legacy to England can be found in place names. All the villages with names ending in -by belonged to us.
France 1 England 0
Next up were the French. King William of Normandy sailed across the English Channel with a surprisingly large number of heavily armed Frenchmen all of whom were called Norman. A bloody battle ensued in a Hastings suburb called "Battle". The Battle of Hastings was characterized by the dominance of one of the most terrible weapons of war ever used - the longbow. Each side fired volleys of thousands of arrows into the air. As the sea of arrows came down the opposing army was torn to shreds. The Battle ended rather abruptly when the English commander-in-chief, King Harold, dropped his shield, looked up and said: "hey, look at all those arrows".
England 1 France 0
And Britain has relics of all these moments in its history. Iron Age settlements, castles, ancient churches and cathedrals, battlefields. Everywhere you go history surrounds you. So why is it that Canada lacks any trace of history older than the Battle of Quebec in 1759? In order not to offend Albertans I hasten to add that there is ample evidence of the existence of Dinosaurs in that province. But what of human existence? The answer is that Canada is a new country; this land does not bear the evidence of hundreds of years of human settlement and I miss that.
Friday, June 12, 2009
10 Things I Miss Most About Britain: #7 The British Aristocracy
The Toffs Have it Good
Isn't the UK a wonderful country? You can be born a lowly serf without two brass farthings to rub together, learn to play a guitar in a band, get rich and famous, then get an invitation to Buckingham Palace to receive a gong from the Queen. After that it's easy street for you; invitations to open village fetes, a seat on the board of major corporations; serfs bowing to you in the street. Blimey guv'nor, the toffs have it good!
Lord Muck's Guide to the Aristocrats
The UK has one of the most extensive systems of titles and honours in the World, but what do all those titles and honours actually mean? "Lord Muck", as we say in London, is right at the bottom of the aristocratic totem pole. As one of the holders of that humble title I'll walk you through the aristocratic hierarchy of the British Isles.
Elizabeth II Regina
At the top is Her Majesty The Queen. She is the only person in the Commonwealth who can be addressed as "Her Majesty" and has sole authority to bestow titles and honours on her subjects (although governments often select the candidates or, in the case of Canada, forbid their citizens to hold foreign titles).
... And Her Kin
Next in the pecking order come members of the Royal Family who hold the title of "His/Her Royal Highness".
My Lords
Next in line are the peers. There are five ranks of the peerage:
1. Dukes
2. Marquesses
3. Earls
4. Viscounts
5. Barons
All except Dukes can be referred to as "Lord". All are members of the British House of Lords and were hereditary until 1958 . Since 1958 there are also Life Peers with the rank of baron. Persons called "Lord" or "Lady"+first and last name have courtesy titles meaning they are sons or daughters of a peer.
I Dub Thee
Below the peerage are two classes of knights entitled to be addressed as "Sir"+first name:
1. Baronets - a hereditary title
2. Knights - a non-hereditary title
Wives of knights may be addressed as "Lady"+surname
The Lesser Gongs
Orders of Chivalry
1. Order of the Garter (K.G.)
2. O.B.E. (Order of the British Empire) has 5 grades:
i. Knights Grand Cross (G.B.E.) carries title "Sir"
ii. Knights Commander (K.B.E.) carries title "Sir". Female holders are called "Dame" (D.B.E.)
iii. Commanders (C.B.E)
iv. Officers (O.B.E.)
v. Members (M.B.E.)
Orders of the Bath (G.C.B. etc) similarly has five grades
Order of St Michael (G.C.M.G etc) similarly has five grades
Royal Victorian Order (G.C.V.O. etc) similarly has five grades
Order of Merit (O.M.)
Order of the Companions of Honour (C.H.)
Down among the weasels, stoats and ferrets comes "Lord Muck" - like owners of shops in the Commonwealth flogging British stuff. Is it too late for me to learn to play the guitar?
Isn't the UK a wonderful country? You can be born a lowly serf without two brass farthings to rub together, learn to play a guitar in a band, get rich and famous, then get an invitation to Buckingham Palace to receive a gong from the Queen. After that it's easy street for you; invitations to open village fetes, a seat on the board of major corporations; serfs bowing to you in the street. Blimey guv'nor, the toffs have it good!
Lord Muck's Guide to the Aristocrats
The UK has one of the most extensive systems of titles and honours in the World, but what do all those titles and honours actually mean? "Lord Muck", as we say in London, is right at the bottom of the aristocratic totem pole. As one of the holders of that humble title I'll walk you through the aristocratic hierarchy of the British Isles.
Elizabeth II Regina
At the top is Her Majesty The Queen. She is the only person in the Commonwealth who can be addressed as "Her Majesty" and has sole authority to bestow titles and honours on her subjects (although governments often select the candidates or, in the case of Canada, forbid their citizens to hold foreign titles).
... And Her Kin
Next in the pecking order come members of the Royal Family who hold the title of "His/Her Royal Highness".
My Lords
Next in line are the peers. There are five ranks of the peerage:
1. Dukes
2. Marquesses
3. Earls
4. Viscounts
5. Barons
All except Dukes can be referred to as "Lord". All are members of the British House of Lords and were hereditary until 1958 . Since 1958 there are also Life Peers with the rank of baron. Persons called "Lord" or "Lady"+first and last name have courtesy titles meaning they are sons or daughters of a peer.
I Dub Thee
Below the peerage are two classes of knights entitled to be addressed as "Sir"+first name:
1. Baronets - a hereditary title
2. Knights - a non-hereditary title
Wives of knights may be addressed as "Lady"+surname
The Lesser Gongs
Orders of Chivalry
1. Order of the Garter (K.G.)
2. O.B.E. (Order of the British Empire) has 5 grades:
i. Knights Grand Cross (G.B.E.) carries title "Sir"
ii. Knights Commander (K.B.E.) carries title "Sir". Female holders are called "Dame" (D.B.E.)
iii. Commanders (C.B.E)
iv. Officers (O.B.E.)
v. Members (M.B.E.)
Orders of the Bath (G.C.B. etc) similarly has five grades
Order of St Michael (G.C.M.G etc) similarly has five grades
Royal Victorian Order (G.C.V.O. etc) similarly has five grades
Order of Merit (O.M.)
Order of the Companions of Honour (C.H.)
Down among the weasels, stoats and ferrets comes "Lord Muck" - like owners of shops in the Commonwealth flogging British stuff. Is it too late for me to learn to play the guitar?
Thursday, June 11, 2009
10 Things I Miss Most About Britain: #6 Driving on the Left
Fight for the Right - to Drive on the LeftLast summer, following my return to Canada from a 3 week trip to the UK, I wrote a post for this blog about driving on the left. The left hand side of the road is actually the natural side of the road on which to drive.
The reason is steeped in history. In medieval times, knights on horseback would pass by the left of their enemies in battle in order to engage them in swordplay with their stronger right arm. In modern times, belligerent drivers have the benefit of being able to wind down the driver's side window to use their right arm for digital greeting gestures to other drivers.
Take the Second Exit You Stupid @#&^%$*!
There is an interesting side story from that UK trip regarding hand gestures. I was with a party of fellow visitors from Canada travelling in convoy. The lead car had the benefit of a GPS ("Sat Nav" in UK parlance). As we approached a roundabout the person in the passenger seat of the lead car stuck her hand out of the window and vigorously indicated with her fingers that we should take the second exit from the roundabout.
A lorry driver behind her misunderstood her helpful navigation signal and demonstrated his anger by tailgating her and leaning on his horn. It is always helpful to understand alternative interpretations of hand signals when travelling abroad.
Widdershins
Another aspect of driving on the left comes to mind when approaching a roundabout. British drivers take a clockwise path around the roundabout. Roundabouts (or traffic circles as they are called in Canada) are rare here. I discovered one near Kitchener, Ontario recently and was horrified when I realized that I would have to take a counter-clockwise (anti-clockwise in the UK) route around it.
Counter-clockwise is counter intuitive for one who learned to drive in the United Queendom. It is also very bad luck, a portent of evil. In the northern hemisphere, if one faces the Sun, it appears to move in a clockwise direction across the sky. Travelling counter-clockwise, "widdershins" as it is known to Neo-Pagans, is a movement against the natural order of the universe. If Canada ever adopts roundabouts on a large scale - which seems unlikely - we may expect accident rates to increase for unexpected and unknown reasons.
Squeeze
But drivers do not always stay on the left hand side of Britain's roads. In fact some of Britain's roads do not have a left hand side. Neither do they have a right hand side. They are too narrow to have sides at all. My wife encountered one such road in the south west of England last summer. It was so narrow that the overgrown hedgerows on either side of the road brushed against both sides of the car as she drove. It was raining quite heavily too (but of course). And it was dark. And we met a car coming in the other direction.
Move Over
Now that Britain is a well-established member of the European community, an idea to switch to driving on the right hand side of the road has been proposed. It will be a phased approach. Starting on 1st April 2010 cars will be switched over to the right hand side of Britain's roads. If the first phase is successful, trucks and buses will also make the switchover 2 years later.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
10 Things I Miss Most About Britain: #5 Pubs
I was berated by my daughter for not including pubs in the top 3 of my "10 Things I Miss Most About Britain". My daughter works, part-time, in an English pub. Alright, pubs may actually be the thing I miss most about Britain. But I didn't want to risk being labelled as a toper, dipsomaniac or habitual inebriate. According to what I hear, even the British will soon be missing British pubs - they are closing at an alarming rate.
What is happening?
Why are pubs going out of business so frequently? Some say the smoking ban has discouraged people from going to their local. Others blame the new generation of drinkers who prefer "clubbing" to "pubbing" and the giant supermarkets who sell cut-price booze alongside bread and milk.
How It All Started
Public houses started, hundreds of years ago, as a cottage industry in which local residents brewed high quality beer on their own premises and opened their doors to neighbours. Successful brewers grew into commercial operators and delivered their product to public houses on a horse-drawn dray cart. Casks of live ale were rolled into a cellar where they rested for a day or so to allow the yeast to settle. Beer was delivered to the bar room in jugs or pumped by hand through pipes from the cellar.
Big Bad Brewers
Following the Second World War many small breweries were swallowed up by big corporations. The big corporations did what big corporations are meant to do - make more money for their shareholders. There are two ways to make more money. Sell more beer and make beer more cheaply. They did both splendidly well. Lots of new pubs opened and beer was made more cheaply. Aluminum kegs full of pasteurized, dead beer handled better than oak casks full of live beer. But it didn't taste so good, so the big brewers spent millions promoting beer sales through image advertising.
Real Ale
Handpumps started disappearing from bars; replaced by taps that allowed carbon dioxide to squirt tasteless, dead beer through a chiller into the customer's glass. It worked - for a while. Then came a backlash from consumers. CAMRA, the Campaign for Real Ale started with a few beer enthusiasts and quickly grew into a major, powerful consumer group. Smaller breweries started to spring into life again and "real ale" (unpasteurized beer dispensed without carbon dioxide pressure) grew in popularity.
Groceries and Giddy Juice
Things looked good for a while but then along came "binge drinkers". Mostly younger drinkers who use alcohol as a drug to get a party night high and "lager louts" who disrupt football matches. Urban pubs lost their appeal and some of their business. Supermarkets started selling large amounts of beer, wine and spirits. Who needs to go to the pub when you grab a bottle of giddy juice along with your groceries? Pubs responded by innovating. "Gastropubs" sprung up serving high quality food. Pubs almost became restaurants. Then the smoking ban was imposed. Customers left in their droves. Then along came the global economic downturn and many people slashed their personal entertainment budgets.
Dark Brown Beer and a Ploughman's
These are dark days for the traditional British pub. Hundreds of years of tradition hang in the balance. The British pub is not - and should not be - a restaurant. The British pub is not - and should never be - a nightclub for binge drinkers. The British pub should be and I hope, at least somewhere in the Land of Hope and Glory, always will be a meeting place. A place where you can buy a glass or two of dark brown beer to wash down a ploughman's lunch. A place to swap tales, to converse with a friendly landlord, a place to belong, a place to sing, to play darts and dominoes and a place to meet and make new friends.
This blog post is dedicated to Shane and Kath of the Greyhound in Royton near Manchester, who are doing a grand job of fighting to keep the British pub alive. Cheers!
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
10 Things I Miss Most About Britain: #4 Trains
A 2000 Year Old Horse
The most fascinating piece of railway trivia is not actually about trains, but the track on which they run. Sixty percent of the world's railways use what is called "standard gauge" track. This means the distance between the rails is a standard four feet eight and a half inches. But why such an odd measurement? For the answer we have to measure the width of the rear end of a 2000 year old horse.
Early railways in Britain were built along routes established by the Romans. The Romans built their roads just wide enough for two horse drawn chariots to pass each other and that was ... four feet eight and a half inches. So, believe it or not, modern railways use a track gauge that was determined by the width of a horse's ass!
The First British Rocket
An Englishman called George Stephenson is often credited with building the first steam railway locomotive in Britain (and the world). Stephenson was an engineer and, although he was a prime contributor and figurehead of the team that built the "Rocket", he was neither the first man to build a steam locomotive, nor did he do it alone.
The Speedy Mallard
Steam locomotives became the principal means for hauling passenger and freight trains around the UK until they were finally phased out in the 1960s. Some of the steam engines racing along the British permanent way became legends. One of them, the Mallard, set a world speed record of 126 miles/hr in 1938 in Lincolnshire, England.
A Small Pony's Bottom
There is one line in the south of England that has kept its steam trains. Its track gauge was determined by the width of a very small pony's rear end. It is the narrow-gauge Romney, Hythe and Dymchurch Railway. If you ever find yourself on the Kent Coast, take a ride on the RHDR, it is a unique experience.
Dr Beeching's Axe
In the good old days there was British Railways. It was owned by the taxpayer after the major regional lines were nationalized in 1948. Branch lines ran everywhere until the Beeching Axe came along in the late 1960s and shut down over half of the network.
Clackety-Clack
I grew up in the south-east where Southern Region electric trains ran everywhere, every few minutes. These big, heavy green carriages wound their way through a maze of intertwined track in the suburbs of London. In the days before continuously welded track was invented, there was an expansion gap in the steel rails every few yards. As the heavy carriage wheels rolled over the gaps we would hear a characteristic "clackety-clack" noise that was music to my ears.
Arrested - for Train Spotting
As a boy I was a keen train spotter. Saturday afternoons would find me in the middle of a footbridge above the London to Brighton line, writing down train numbers, waiting for the elegant, luxurious Pullman to go by underneath. Today I would be spotted myself by CCTV security cameras and detained by the police under anti-terrorism laws for doing the very same thing.
Oh, The Good Times of Old England
In the 1990's the British rail network was privatized and things changed. I took a ride on the Trans-Pennine express from Huddersfield to Manchester a couple of years back. The carriages had been built in Europe and were lightweight with aircraft style seats. The train whispered its way across the Pennines. The experience was more like a short haul flight than a train ride.
The rail network in the UK has changed in so many ways since I left England at the beginning of the 1980s. The experience of riding a train will never be the same, but whenever I return, I try to take a train ride; it doesn't matter where, just a ride on a good old British train.
Monday, June 08, 2009
10 Things I Miss Most About Britain: #3 Football
Real Football?
Americans have a popular sport they call "football". The game of football has been played there for nearly ninety years! The first professional football league was started in the Excited States as early as 1920. Rumour has it there is another claim to the word "football" in a place called Europeland, but their game should really be called "soccer" because it is nothing like real football.
Ban It!
In Britain, the Romans introduced a game in which a ball was kicked around a field. It became very popular but by the 14th Century it had evolved into a very rough sport called "football". It was so rough in fact that, in 1314, it was banned by King Edward II.
A Sport for the Privileged
The game was revived and, in its modern version, the violence was transferred to the stands where fans now fight supporters of the opposing team. Two varieties of the game evolved; one played by the rules of the elite public school in Rugby and the other played by the rules of upper class Eton college. The word "soccer" was first used to describe Eton's version of the game of football. Later, other versions of the sport like Australian Rules Football, Canadian Football and, oh yes, "American Football" evolved.
500 Years
The term "football" dates back to 14th Century England; the term "soccer" dates back to 19th Century England. "Football" therefore has a five hundred year heritage advantage over "soccer". Another rumour (US origin) says that American Football dates back to the 15th Century when Italian player Christopher Columbus was transferred from Genoa to an unknown US team for a record-breaking fee.
English Football Died in 1966
By the 1860s the British game of football had its own professional association and was organized into a league. The sport continued to grow in Britain until its demise following England's World Cup win in 1966. Hold on John, what do you mean: "its demise in 1966? Football is more popular in Britain now than it has ever been!" Yes, that is true, the game of football is more popular now than it has ever been. But did anybody notice that there aren't many British players left in the league?
Football is now a big money sport in Britain. When a team wants to win trophies it brings in talent from overseas. England may never win another World Cup for the simple reason that there simply isn't a big enough talent pool of English players left in the big teams. And that is what I miss about football in Britain.
A footnote: In 1905, in South London, a football club was formed near the site of a huge glass building erected for the Great Exhibition of 1851 in Hyde Park (moved to the top of Sydenham Hill in 1852). The building was the "Crystal Palace". I have been a fan of that team since I was knee high. If you can say "me too" I want to hear from you.
Americans have a popular sport they call "football". The game of football has been played there for nearly ninety years! The first professional football league was started in the Excited States as early as 1920. Rumour has it there is another claim to the word "football" in a place called Europeland, but their game should really be called "soccer" because it is nothing like real football.
Ban It!
In Britain, the Romans introduced a game in which a ball was kicked around a field. It became very popular but by the 14th Century it had evolved into a very rough sport called "football". It was so rough in fact that, in 1314, it was banned by King Edward II.
A Sport for the Privileged
The game was revived and, in its modern version, the violence was transferred to the stands where fans now fight supporters of the opposing team. Two varieties of the game evolved; one played by the rules of the elite public school in Rugby and the other played by the rules of upper class Eton college. The word "soccer" was first used to describe Eton's version of the game of football. Later, other versions of the sport like Australian Rules Football, Canadian Football and, oh yes, "American Football" evolved.
500 Years
The term "football" dates back to 14th Century England; the term "soccer" dates back to 19th Century England. "Football" therefore has a five hundred year heritage advantage over "soccer". Another rumour (US origin) says that American Football dates back to the 15th Century when Italian player Christopher Columbus was transferred from Genoa to an unknown US team for a record-breaking fee.
English Football Died in 1966
By the 1860s the British game of football had its own professional association and was organized into a league. The sport continued to grow in Britain until its demise following England's World Cup win in 1966. Hold on John, what do you mean: "its demise in 1966? Football is more popular in Britain now than it has ever been!" Yes, that is true, the game of football is more popular now than it has ever been. But did anybody notice that there aren't many British players left in the league?
Football is now a big money sport in Britain. When a team wants to win trophies it brings in talent from overseas. England may never win another World Cup for the simple reason that there simply isn't a big enough talent pool of English players left in the big teams. And that is what I miss about football in Britain.
A footnote: In 1905, in South London, a football club was formed near the site of a huge glass building erected for the Great Exhibition of 1851 in Hyde Park (moved to the top of Sydenham Hill in 1852). The building was the "Crystal Palace". I have been a fan of that team since I was knee high. If you can say "me too" I want to hear from you.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
10 Things I Miss Most About Britain: #2 The English Channel
Mes Amis Francais
Regular readers of Blighty's Blog might be tempted to doubt my reverence for anything French. Let me state for the record that I have a lot of good friends in Quebec and have the highest respect for French culture, the French language (ok, maybe not so much for Quebecois French) and, above all, les vins de France. With that disclaimer in the bag, I can now go on to bash the blackguards.
A Beach Too Far
English feelings toward the French were forever forged when an armada of thugs called Norman landed on the beach at Hastings and killed the King of England, a British chap called Harold. That was in the year 1066. For the last 943 years the French and the English have exchanged insults, snubs and ownership of swathes of each other's sovereign territory. Territorial disagreements extended across the Big Pond to Canada where, in 1759, the French were decisively beaten by the British redcoats who, having shown the French who was best, promptly handed ownership of the territory straight back to them.
Glass-Bottomed Boats
But I digress. The English Channel is probably the most important defence Britain ever had. It stopped the Germans marching straight into Britain during the Second World War and it provided an excellent route through which Sir Francis Drake chased the fleeing Spanish Armada in the 16th Century. An old joke has it that the modern Spanish navy uses glass-bottomed ships so that Spanish sailors can look at the old Spanish navy.
Rough Crossing
The English Channel can be a very rough stretch of water to cross. I recall one crossing from Boulogne back to JOE (Jolly Old England) during which the big ferry ploughed its way through monstrous waves that crashed over the deck of the big boat. The cascading seawater helped to wash the decks of some of the stomach contents deposited all over the ship by green-faced passengers.
Garcon! Garcon? ...
The English frequently make day trips across the Channel to load up with supplies of les vins de France. I recall sitting with a group of friends in a Calais cafe waiting to get served. The waiter was ignoring us. I tried to order une biere at the bar but the barman refused to serve me. "Il faut appeler le garcon" he told me. I returned to my table, raised my hand and called "garcon!", but to no avail. Les Anglais were not welcome at that French bar.
Passport Please
The English Channel has high white cliffs on the English side and to the south, on the French side, lie the beaches of Normandy where the D-Day landings took place in 1944. An old retired British Tommy visiting Normandy was asked for his passport by a French border services officer. "I don't have a passport" said the Tommy. "Have you been to France before?" inquired the French officer. "Yes" replied the Tommy. "Then, monsieur you should know that you need a passport!" insisted the French officer. "The last time I came to France was in 1944" responded the Tommy "and there wasn't a Frenchman in sight to show a passport to!".
And so the nearly thousand year old rivalry entre les deux nations continues. Vive le difference and twenty one miles of water between us.
Regular readers of Blighty's Blog might be tempted to doubt my reverence for anything French. Let me state for the record that I have a lot of good friends in Quebec and have the highest respect for French culture, the French language (ok, maybe not so much for Quebecois French) and, above all, les vins de France. With that disclaimer in the bag, I can now go on to bash the blackguards.
A Beach Too Far
English feelings toward the French were forever forged when an armada of thugs called Norman landed on the beach at Hastings and killed the King of England, a British chap called Harold. That was in the year 1066. For the last 943 years the French and the English have exchanged insults, snubs and ownership of swathes of each other's sovereign territory. Territorial disagreements extended across the Big Pond to Canada where, in 1759, the French were decisively beaten by the British redcoats who, having shown the French who was best, promptly handed ownership of the territory straight back to them.
Glass-Bottomed Boats
But I digress. The English Channel is probably the most important defence Britain ever had. It stopped the Germans marching straight into Britain during the Second World War and it provided an excellent route through which Sir Francis Drake chased the fleeing Spanish Armada in the 16th Century. An old joke has it that the modern Spanish navy uses glass-bottomed ships so that Spanish sailors can look at the old Spanish navy.
Rough Crossing
The English Channel can be a very rough stretch of water to cross. I recall one crossing from Boulogne back to JOE (Jolly Old England) during which the big ferry ploughed its way through monstrous waves that crashed over the deck of the big boat. The cascading seawater helped to wash the decks of some of the stomach contents deposited all over the ship by green-faced passengers.
Garcon! Garcon? ...
The English frequently make day trips across the Channel to load up with supplies of les vins de France. I recall sitting with a group of friends in a Calais cafe waiting to get served. The waiter was ignoring us. I tried to order une biere at the bar but the barman refused to serve me. "Il faut appeler le garcon" he told me. I returned to my table, raised my hand and called "garcon!", but to no avail. Les Anglais were not welcome at that French bar.
Passport Please
The English Channel has high white cliffs on the English side and to the south, on the French side, lie the beaches of Normandy where the D-Day landings took place in 1944. An old retired British Tommy visiting Normandy was asked for his passport by a French border services officer. "I don't have a passport" said the Tommy. "Have you been to France before?" inquired the French officer. "Yes" replied the Tommy. "Then, monsieur you should know that you need a passport!" insisted the French officer. "The last time I came to France was in 1944" responded the Tommy "and there wasn't a Frenchman in sight to show a passport to!".
And so the nearly thousand year old rivalry entre les deux nations continues. Vive le difference and twenty one miles of water between us.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
10 Things I Miss Most About Britain: #1 The Weather
Cold & Miserable
They say you can tell when it is summer in Britain - the rain turns warm. I remember British rain. That fine, light rain they call "drizzle" seemed to get into your bones and make you thoroughly cold and miserable. Sometimes it would be overcast and drizzly for two weeks straight. I recall waiting for a taxi outside Heathrow Airport one winter's day. The temperature was +2 degrees Celsius; it was drizzling and I felt colder than the day the mercury dropped to -29 degrees Celsius here in Toronto.
Danger of Frost!
A couple of years ago I found myself in England in January, listening to a weather forecast on "the telly". A cold weather warning was in effect. Motorists were warned to avoid all non-essential driving because the temperature might drop below freezing overnight. "Hmmm" I thought, "sometimes the January temperature in Toronto doesn't get above freezing for two weeks straight."
A Cold Day in July
And then, last summer, I was in the north-east of England. It was July. I was watching a horse show on a hill below the Penshaw Monument. The Penshaw Monument is a Doric tetrastyle folly (you can tell that to friends at a party sometime) dedicated to John George Lambton, Earl of Durham and the first Governor of the Dominion of Canada. The Canada link seemed very fitting because it was bloomin' cold there. I was wrapped in several layers but still I shivered from the cold - in July!
Lobster on the Beach
A few days ago temperatures in the United Queendom soared to the mid 20s. The British people did what they always do when there is a break in the clouds and a hint of temperatures in the tropical twenties, they jumped into their jalopies and headed for the coast. Those who didn't get stuck in traffic jams en-route to the seaside turned lobster pink sunbathing on Britain's shingle beaches.
Summer of '76
Were you in Britain during the summer of '76? Global Warming hadn't been invented then which is good, otherwise folks might have drawn some pretty dire conclusions when the temperature climbed into the 90s (Fahrenheit). in 1976, an 'air conditioner was something salons used after the shampoo had been rinsed out. We sweltered. At night we threw open our single-glazed windows in the vain hope that bedroom temperatures might drop low enough to allow us to get some sleep. But the summer of '76 was a freak event.
Oh, How I Miss British Winters
When I emigrated to Canada I thought how nice it would be to enjoy "real summers" and "real winters". I arrived mid-winter and started shovelling snow right away. That was almost thirty years ago; I feel like I haven't stopped shovelling since. After a couple of Canadian winters I revised my original thought to "isn't it nice to have real Canadian summers but wouldn't it be nice to have British winters again". Yes, in Britain it gets cold, damp and miserable for a few weeks and then it's spring again. Search as hard as you may, you can't find a snow shovel for love or money anywhere in the UK. Oh, how I miss those British winters.
They say you can tell when it is summer in Britain - the rain turns warm. I remember British rain. That fine, light rain they call "drizzle" seemed to get into your bones and make you thoroughly cold and miserable. Sometimes it would be overcast and drizzly for two weeks straight. I recall waiting for a taxi outside Heathrow Airport one winter's day. The temperature was +2 degrees Celsius; it was drizzling and I felt colder than the day the mercury dropped to -29 degrees Celsius here in Toronto.
Danger of Frost!
A couple of years ago I found myself in England in January, listening to a weather forecast on "the telly". A cold weather warning was in effect. Motorists were warned to avoid all non-essential driving because the temperature might drop below freezing overnight. "Hmmm" I thought, "sometimes the January temperature in Toronto doesn't get above freezing for two weeks straight."
A Cold Day in July
And then, last summer, I was in the north-east of England. It was July. I was watching a horse show on a hill below the Penshaw Monument. The Penshaw Monument is a Doric tetrastyle folly (you can tell that to friends at a party sometime) dedicated to John George Lambton, Earl of Durham and the first Governor of the Dominion of Canada. The Canada link seemed very fitting because it was bloomin' cold there. I was wrapped in several layers but still I shivered from the cold - in July!
Lobster on the Beach
A few days ago temperatures in the United Queendom soared to the mid 20s. The British people did what they always do when there is a break in the clouds and a hint of temperatures in the tropical twenties, they jumped into their jalopies and headed for the coast. Those who didn't get stuck in traffic jams en-route to the seaside turned lobster pink sunbathing on Britain's shingle beaches.
Summer of '76
Were you in Britain during the summer of '76? Global Warming hadn't been invented then which is good, otherwise folks might have drawn some pretty dire conclusions when the temperature climbed into the 90s (Fahrenheit). in 1976, an 'air conditioner was something salons used after the shampoo had been rinsed out. We sweltered. At night we threw open our single-glazed windows in the vain hope that bedroom temperatures might drop low enough to allow us to get some sleep. But the summer of '76 was a freak event.
Oh, How I Miss British Winters
When I emigrated to Canada I thought how nice it would be to enjoy "real summers" and "real winters". I arrived mid-winter and started shovelling snow right away. That was almost thirty years ago; I feel like I haven't stopped shovelling since. After a couple of Canadian winters I revised my original thought to "isn't it nice to have real Canadian summers but wouldn't it be nice to have British winters again". Yes, in Britain it gets cold, damp and miserable for a few weeks and then it's spring again. Search as hard as you may, you can't find a snow shovel for love or money anywhere in the UK. Oh, how I miss those British winters.
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