The Best House in Britain

3 Bed Semi

The United Queendom is home to over 61 million people living in no fewer than 13 million residences. The average Briton is said to live in a 3-bedroom semi-detached house on a modest suburban lot. But, in stark contrast to the lot of the common man, the Queendom is replete with stately homes and castles built over the centuries as the principal residences of the British aristocracy.

Stately Homes

Many of these magnificent homes were built from the proceeds of Britain's expanding trade with its colonies; others were built from the proceeds of the slave trade.

Noble gentlemen in the shires were expected to host visits by the sovereign and his or her entourage during their travels throughout their home and native lands. That required opulent accommodations and lavish entertainment in order to keep the sovereign's favour. In consequence there are many beautiful homes throughout the UK with magnificent rooms, expensive furnishings, and great works of art.

240 Bed Detached

One of these stately homes stands out from the rest as possibly the best home in Britain. The home is now owned by the state and is the rent-free principal residence of a prominent British citizen. It features 830,000 square feet of space, 240 bedrooms, 78 bathrooms, a swimming pool and a large private garden with its own lake.

Home-based Global Business

This fine home also features 92 offices in which a total of 450 people are employed. The principal resident operates an international real estate empire extending to the four corners of the world administered from this location.

A Billion Pounds

Despite its opulence it is actually one of the smallest buildings in its class in the world. It costs £15m in annual maintenance but this cost is offset by the £4m in revenue earned from public tours of the property. The recession has slashed property prices in the United Queendom and this property has taken its share of the pain, falling in value by nearly 9% to a present market value of around a billion pounds sterling. It is not currently listed for sale.

Viewings Available

If you are visiting the UK this year it is worth taking a look at this splendid stately home. In fact why not take advantage of one of the public tours. It is located to the east of the intersection of the A4 and the A302 in central London. Various properties have been built on this prestige lot over the centuries; the present property is called ... Buckingham Palace.

Bishop Predicts Seven Year Itch

The marriage of "Big Ears and the Porcelain Doll" (referring to Prince Charles and Lady Diana) - to use the words penned by the Bishop of Willesden the Rt Rev Pete Broadbent - was a disaster in slow motion.













And so he predicted the marriage of William and Kate Middleton will encounter a seven year itch ... and be scratched!

The highly embarrassed bishop donned sackcloth and ashes in a big hurry when his remarks were made public this week. Now the wicked reverend has been forced to backtrack and issue a grovelling apology.

The Queen has declined to comment but one may be sure that she will cast a surly glower at the erring priest when she opens the General Synod of the Church of England this week.

I Slept on the Street Admits British PM

He may have posh digs now but life hasn't always been a bed of roses for British Prime Minister David Cameron. Blimey, it wasn't too long ago that the Conservative party leader was sleeping on the streets of London.

On hearing of the news of the betrothal of Prince William and Katherine (as she now likes to be called) Middleton, Cameron's eyes welled up with tears as he recounted one of those nights he spent sleeping on London's cold, damp streets.

The occasion was the night before the wedding of Prince William's parents Charles and Diana. Seeking to make the best of a bad situation, Cameron laid down his blanket on the cold, hard pavement outside Buckingham Palace so that he would get a good look at the royal couple as they swept by in their limousine after their wedding.

"God bless you sir, God bless you ma'am" he called out through the slit in the blanket he had tightly folded around himself to stay warm.

God's blessing may not have helped Charles and Diana but it rebounded in great measure on the poor wretch who went on to become the leader of sixty million people.

Prince William's engagement brought back strong feelings of nostalgia to Cameron as the news was broken to him in the cabinet room at Downing Street this week. Cameron enthusiastically led ministers in a boisterous round of excited table thumping amid cries of "I say, what a damned good show" and "jolly fine affair" and "that'll at least keep their bloody minds off their cancelled welfare payments".

Camilla will be Queen - Charles

While the rest of the world speculates on whether Prince William will be next to ascend the throne instead of Charles, the Prince of Wales has raised the spectre of Camilla becoming his queen when he becomes king.

Charles is lawfully next in line to accept the orb and sceptre from the Archbishop of Canterbury, but three things weigh against him enjoying his big day in Westminster Abbey.

First, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II - his mum - is remarkably healthy for an octagenarian. She may well beat Queen Victoria's record of a nearly 64 year reign. Elizabeth ascended the throne in 1953 and will take the biscuit in the year 2017. Charles will be 69 years old in 2017.

Second, Charles is not universally popular. His public statements and his often controversial opinions have led to a popular perception that he is an elitist. His son William, on the other hand, is perceived to be a man of the people.

Third, Charles' first wife, Diana was enormously popular. Rumours of Charles' extra-marital assignations with Camilla who was subsequently to be his second wife have not been well received by the public. It was the public's expectation that Camilla would assume the title of Princess Consort if and when her husband became king. But now Charles has really set the cat among the pigeons by declaring that Camilla shall be his queen.

Long live Queen Elizabeth!

NB: This post is intended to be satirical. No disrespect is intended toward any member of the Royal Family.

Oh Happy Day!

Oh happy day indeed! Prince William and long time girlfriend Kate Middleton are to be wed. Royal weddings are always a big event in the United Queendom but this one is very special indeed for the long-suffering British people. Her Majesty's government has decided to make the royal wedding day into another public holiday.

Blighty's Blog received a report from our correspondent at Buckingham Palace, Elizabeth Scorgis, saying the royal couple had been dogged with questions about how to relieve the suffering of the peasants in the streets of Merrie England. "A day off!" beamed Prince William as he sat down for high tea in the big house at the end of The Mall. "I say what a splendid idea darling!" replied his betrothed.

And so it came to pass that the embattled peasants, so recently separated from their beloved welfare payments by their cruel masters in government, were given emotional sustenance to aid them in carrying their heavy burden.

"God bless you ma'am, God bless you sir" blurted one shoeless wretch lying in the street amid the last of the dry autumn leaves whipped up by the cold, sharp November wind as the royal couple swept by in their limousine ...

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