Britain Finally Adopts the Euro!

The British have always been proud of the Pound. The dust had only just settled following the 1971 change from LSD (Pounds, Shillings and Pence) to the new decimal currency when pressure was piled on Whitehall to adopt the Euro. The Irish - eager to discard their own Pound to create a clear distinction between themselves and the Brits - jumped on the Euro immediately. The British public rebelled. While the rest of Europe coalesced around a single common currency, the Island nation stood steadfast in defence of its Pound.

A newsflash landed on Blighty's Blog's news desk this morning from our correspondent Mr Ya Hoo with the shocking news that Britain has finally relented and the Euro is today the official currency of Great Britain.

The Bank of England will continue to issue Euro paper money printed with the word "Pound" but, since the British Pound is now trading at par with the Euro, the old pound notes and the new "Europound" notes will be freely inter-changeable.

With contributions from Blighty's Blog financial editor Mr £. S. Poof.

British Man Beats Up Santa Claus

Irate tourists who cashed their government gyro cheques to pay hefty admission charges to a new Christmas theme park in Hampshire, England have been swindled by an unscrupulous theme park operator.

The owner of "Lapland" on the south coast was caught masquerading as Santa Claus (of course, Canadians would have immediately detected the fraud. Santa lives at the North Pole which makes him a Canadian - well the magnetic north pole is indisputably part of Canada anyway eh?).

Once inside Lapland, visitors found the theme park to be little more than a collection of miserable huts. A much vaunted "tunnel of light" turned out to be nothing more than a string of old Christmas lights hung from a row of trees.

When "Santa" was found enjoying a sly smoke out the back of his grotto he was jumped on by a disgruntled park visitor and given a knuckle sandwich.

The owner of Lapland, it turns out, is a convicted tax fraudster.

Story filed by Blighty's Blog Tourism Editor, Jim N. E. Cricket

Global Warming Ends in Britain

Reports reaching Blighty's Blog from the United Queendom today reveal a severe Arctic blast hitting northern parts. With temperatures falling to near freezing and snowfall accumulating up to 20cm, Britain is expected to grind to a slippery halt as massive school and road closures pound the country.

Britain's snowplow crew has been called out and asked to limit tea breaks to as little as 30 minutes in an effort to keep the country moving. Overnight reports from our Manchester bureau chief Corey Street tell of thousands of stranded motorists. Britain's snowplow will be working overtime in an attempt to clear the nation's highways. Corey reports the crew may be plowing as late as 7:00 each evening although their contract allows for a 60 minute paid meal break at 5:00pm.

Motorists are urged to push their stranded vehicles clear of the highway because under health and safety executive rules the snow plowman's union does not permit snow plows to drive around stranded vehicles.

The met office in London has put out a warning to motorists throughout Britain to stay off the roads except for essential journeys because temperatures could plummet to near freezing on higher ground.

Expat Canadians living in Britain have found shelter inside Spar grocery stores where Tim Horton's donut store outlets have been opening. Interviewed for Blighty's Blog, none of the expats have reported finding anywhere to buy a decent snow shovel, snow blower or snow tires for their cars.

The unusually harsh British winter is expected to last well into the early part of February when the garden centres re-open with early season sales of fresh daffodils and crocuses.

Staff writer.

Don't forget your mobile!

At first glance I thought this was a very sensible sign. It is posted near the entrance to an abandoned lead mine in the English Peak District.

I had just been down the mine. It is now a tourist attraction. For a few quid the operators will take you a couple of hundred feet below the ground and give you a long boat ride through a low, dark, dank and narrow passageway to a natural cave way below the surface of the beautiful English Peak District in Derbyshire's Pennines.

The area is popular with tourists and hikers. Of course it is only reasonable to warn the hikers that if they stray from the trail they may receive an unexpected opportunity to take a shortcut to the deepest reaches of the mine, bypassing the booth at which other tourists pay their admission fee.

If you will be visiting the Winnats Pass in Derbyshire and find yourself suddenly at the bottom of an abandoned mineshaft, please call 01623 646333. Oh, by the way, don't forget to take your mobile.

Literate Dogs Welcome

It was a perfect summer's day in England. Perfect in the sense that it hadn't rained for almost an hour.

I stood on the shore of Lake Windermere in the English Lake District marvelling at the peace and serenity of this most beautiful corner of my birthland.

On the odd occasion when the Sun peered out from behind the angry dark clouds in the sky, yellow rays of sunlight glinted off the surface of the water as it rippled gently in the light summer breeze.

Suddenly out of nowhere, an RAF Eurofighter jet roared down the lake then lifted its nose, lit it's afterburners and in an attempt to drill a six inch hole through my skull, made the second loudest noise I have ever experienced (see footnote) then disappeared over the horizon as quickly as it had arrived.

Assuming that World War III had just been declared and that we would all be dead by teatime I decided to grab a spot of lunch.

As I left the hostelry in which I had enjoyed an excellent sampling of the local food and beer I saw this amusing sign. I wonder how they were able to determine whether dogs were entering the premises under false pretences?

Footnote: The number one loudest noise I have ever experienced was self-inflicted. I parked my car at the end of a runway at Toronto's Pearson airport and wound down the window while Concorde was taking off directly overhead. I regained my hearing three days later.

Supermarket Endorses British Products

A major Canadian supermarket chain has this week strongly endorsed British food products writes Blighty's Blog business correspondent Don River. But beneath the announcement, writes Don, there lurks a sinister agenda.

In a surprise announcement this week, one of Canada's largest corporate supermarket chains has identified British food as "wickedly good". The chain has invested thousands of dollars promoting imported British food as part of its Christmas marketing campaign. However, the Blighty's Blog investigative team of reporters has uncovered unsettling facts surrounding the announcement.

The products are advertised as "Imported from Scotland" but, as Don River's investigations have revealed, the products in fact come from Scotland, Ontario - a small community in south-western Ontario's Brant County. "The first clue that lead to the discovery" writes Don "was the Canadian packaging". The original manufacturer in "Scotland" could not be identified from the package, but as exclusively revealed to Blighty's Blog, the products are in fact made by a Mrs Eilean Donan who was born in Toronto, but whose grandfather emigrated from Aberdeen in 1934.

Editorial note: Don River has updated his story. The products do , in fact, come from Scotland, UK. The error arose as a result of a lunchtime meeting with Don's informant - a Mr Johnny Walker. Blighty's Blog apologizes to the giant corporate supermarket for the misinformation. but upholds its story about the dubious origins of the product manufacturer and the anonymous single malt whisky distillery. Ed.

The investigation was spurred by another item on the product label: "made with single malt whisky". When questioned by a Blighty's Blog reporter, Mrs Donan was unable to identify which distillery the whisky came from. As our team later uncovered, there is not a single whisky distillery anywhere in Scotland, Ontario!

Blighty's Tuck Store president, John Corby, was reached and gave these comments:
"Well I certainly welcome this ringing endorsement of our products from such a powerful industry player" he said "and I strongly applaud Don River for uncovering the hidden big corporate agenda. I have faith in the Canadian public's ability to discern the advantages of supporting small, honest businesses like ourselves."

Blighty's Tuck Store (www.blightys.com) carries products from Scotland, UK whose original manufacturer is clearly identified. Some of these products are made with single malt whisky from a distillery that is also clearly identified.

Another Silly British Sign

As Blighty's blog readers may already be aware, I collect silly signs. And the best silly signs are to be found in the home of the English language - Great Britain.

This sign is one of my absolute favourites. I found it outside a jewellery shop in Chesterfield, Derbyshire. It would seem to indicate that the shop's proprietor operates some kind of extortion racket.

"Deposits will be taken", not "deposits may be left" against any item. Apparently customers are not offered any option - deposits WILL be taken. "And can be paid off in instalments". What? The deposits can be paid off in instalments? What kind of scam is this?

If your future travels to England include a visit to Chesterfield, take great care - it's a very dangerous place. Even the parish church has a crooked spire - no kidding!