"Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited" - John Cleese

Author John Corby also writes as "Bulldogge" for the British Canadian newspaper.

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Sunday, December 27, 2009

Tolkien's Lost Last Work

The great English author J.R.R. Tolkien, author of The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings was born to an English family stationed in what is now South Africa. The Tolkien family moved back to England when young John was just three years old. It was in England that he penned the legends that have made him internationally famous.

Blighty's Blog's antiques expert Wilfrid Geandstove has just returned from a buying expedition to the United Queendom. During his travels, Wil uncovered a cobweb covered manuscript in a dank, dark basement below an ancient book store on the High Street in Whopping Lye.

Experts in England have poured cold water on the idea that the great J.R.R. Tolkien himself penned this manuscript, but our own panel of experts here at Blighty's Blog headquarters in Canada believe the style is unmistakeably Tolkienesque. Here is a transcript of an excerpt from the text from which you can form your opinion as to its authenticity.

The Sun rose rapidly from its slumber below the horizon and, just as quickly, the mists of the night lifted their veil from the verdant, green fields of Middle Earth. The great day had arrived. At last, it was time to set off on ... the Quest.

Jim-Bob Hobbit and his lifelong companion, the elf known simply as "Elfie" lifted their sacks up onto their backs and set off on the long and winding road. Elfie looked over his shoulder as their home shrank into the distance behind them. "Our house is a very, very fine house; with two cats in the yard. Life used to be so hard ..." he thought aloud. "Oh!" sighed Jim-Bob "what's it all about Elfie?"

As the Sun rose further into the sky they came upon the river across which lay the highway of cars. They were about to cross the river via the ford when suddenly, without warning, a loud noise beset their ears. The guardian of the ford, Effwun Fiefdee rushed towards them. Diving into the ditch beside the highway of cars they escaped his clutch by inches.

They walked on, determined to fulfill their quest. The Sun peaked in the overhead sky, its golden rays glinting off the hot shiny surface of the highway of cars. They heard a rattling sound. Faint at first, but as the source of the noise grew louder they recognized it. It was none other than their old friend Shev Roletimpala.

They exchanged warm greetings with their friend and climbed aboard his dilapidated wagon. "Take heart my friends" Shev told his companions, "you shall soon arrive at your destination".

And so they did arrive at their destination; the Plaza of Staples. Pausing to rest, they pulled a parchment from Jim-Bob's sack. "Seek ye not the first door to the south" it read "seek ye neither the next door thrice times two" it continued. "But go ye to the north and retreat one door from thence and there ye shall find the great door through which ye must pass".

They knew their quest was close to its end. They were determined to retrieve the prize which legend foretold a cad did bury in a secret place in the ville of Orange.

Elfie and Jim-Bob followed the directions and arrived at the great door. Staring up at its mighty, imposing stature they pondered to themselves: "but how shall we enter within". They turned once more to the parchment and read: "know ye the secret words which ye shall need to enter within for they are four". They read the secret words and, standing together before the great door they cried out in unison: "BLIGH ... TEES ... TUCKS ... TORE."

No sooner had the words been said, the great door groaned open and a bright light shined forth upon the travellers from Middle Earth. By the shimmering glow of light they could see the object of their quest laid out before them in great measure. They had found the ... bar of chocolate.

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