Newsflash from New York

Blighty's Blog is keeping a close watch on New York for the latest breaking news. In a recent post we unveiled details of our three latest news bureaus in New York, Washington and Philadelphia. New York is the first bureau to report.

Most people know where New York is located, but for the geographically challenged, here are the directions. Take the A19 north from Newcastle-upon-Tyne until you reach the A191 (New York Road) at West Allotment. Turn right and you will be there in no time at all.

Blighty's Blog head office in the heart of Orangeville, Ontario, Canada has its finger on the pulse of New York. We ran an update check on the official New York website at: http://www.ukvillages.co.uk/Place/19883/New+York-Tyne+and+Wear.

Hot off the New York website, here is what is happening as our presses begin to roll:

• Events: 0
• Societies and Groups: 0
• Businesses: 0

So there you have it. It's a quiet newsday in New York so we return you now to the studio.

PS: The website at http://www.ukvillages.co.uk is a good resource for researching other places that may be contributing somewhat more to the heartbeat of modern Britain.

New York, Philadelphia, Washington

Strategic Underground Operations Hub

In a continuing effort to bring the latest news to readers, Blighty's Blog has opened satellite bureaus in New York, Washington and Philadelphia. The new bureaus will file stories through an operations hub in the basement of a building on Newbottle Street in Houghton-le-Spring in the northeast of England.

But Why New York, Philadelphia and Washington? 
Blighty's Blog chose these locations due to their strategic importance. New York is just off the A19 with easy access to the Tyne Tunnel in Newcastle. Philadelphia is on the A182 just outside Sunderland and Washington is at the important junction between the A1231 and A1(M) with direct access to the Great North Road.

From their strategic location in the basement operations hub on Newbottle Street, our correspondents can be on-station in the three new bureaus within minutes.

Breaking News from Newbottle Street
Reports are already coming down the wire of a link between a secret building in the northeast of England and the Governor General of Canada. The mysterious structure sits atop a hill near Philadelphia. More details in a later bulletin.

STOP PRESS
The wire is now buzzing with news of a series of tragedies affecting a local family of aristocrats with links to Canada. Details are sketchy at this stage but early reports talk of missing cattle and small children ... and a large serpent ...

Massive Floods Expected in Toronto: UK Source

This news just in from Blighty's Blog weather expert S. Keptic in New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-upon-Tyne): massive flooding is forecast for the area surrounding Lake Ontario. Affected cities include Toronto, Hamilton, Buffalo (New York - no not the one just off the A19 near Newcastle-upon-Tyne).

The Canadian government has kicked into high gear to deal with the problem. New Environment minister Peter Kent has ordered a public inquiry to begin as early as January 2012 with a mandate to explore all possible avenues of relief for the affected regions.

And, for once, the much heralded but as yet unseen global warming is not to blame. Instead, Britain's experts have predicted a reversal in the direction of flow of the mighty St Lawrence River. The entire Atlantic Ocean is expected to drain into the Great Lakes basin raising lake levels by as much as five hundred metres according to UN computer models.

The sinister scientific findings were passed to Canada hidden in a board game produced for United Queendom retail giant Marks & Spencer. A quiz card within the game box contained the question: "Which Canadian river flows past the cities of Quebec and Montreal before emptying into Lake Ontario?"

The science is settled - start building an ark!

21 Reasons To Get Your News From the UK

The United Kingdom has one of the largest - if not the largest - number of national dailies of any country in the world. I counted 21 paid circulation daily newspapers in England, Scotland and Wales.

Every shade of political opinion is represented from the traditionally surly right-wing editorials of the Times and the populist Daily Mail to the socialist Morning Star.

The most famous, and longest established, of them all is "The Times". It's name was adopted by other newspapers around the world (e.g. The New York Times) and so outside of Britain it is referred to as the "Times of London".

The Times was first published in 1785 and for many years it was famous for never carrying news on its front page. For over 200 years it was published as a broadsheet before switching to a compact format in 2004.

The Times newspaper is the originator of the ubiquitous typeface known as "Times New Roman", devised for reliable printing on mass production machinery.

Nowadays, newspapers all carry online editions as well as the printed versions. The modern age of the Internet has made yesterday's printed news all but redundant.

Blighty's website has a page (www.blightys.com/UKNews.html) in which a fair sampling of Britain's online news sources is presented as convenient clickable links. There is also a Google Widget providing live updates from the BBC and a pocket history of the "Beeb".

Prince in Plot to Change World Climate!

Prince In Secret Talks with Top Politicos

Amid whispered rumours of something called the "New Whirled Order", news has been pouring into Blighty's Blog's New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-upon-Tyne) bureau about a sinister plot involving Prince Charles. 

The British press reports the Prince has been in top secret talks with several British ministers. Now our Oslo, Finland-based environment correspondent Skep Tic has received a tip-off that Charles is involved in a fiendish plot to manipulate the world's climate.

Details are sketchy due to a thick blanketing shroud of secrecy but Blighty's Blog understands the essence of the plan is to combat global warming by planting millions of trees to soak up excess carbon dioxide.

Human Race Faces Extinction ... or Incineration

Our science correspondent Professor A. Boffin explains:

"Carbon dioxide has long been known to be an extinction level gas due to its greenhouse effect which is warming the planet, potentially making the Earth uninhabitable for future generations. But teams of top scientists are pointing to a natural process by which trees absorb carbon dioxide and release oxygen."

But the professor urges caution:

"Of course, taken too far, we may saturate the atmosphere with oxygen making it highly inflammable" he cautioned. "We have to maintain a delicate balance between global warming due to excess carbon dioxide and incineration of the human race due to spontaneous ignition of the excess atmospheric oxygen."

According to British newspaper, the Daily Telegraph:

"Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman twice discussed the issue of 'tree health' with him (Charles) while he held a one-to-one meeting with Climate Change Minister Greg Barker about global warming at a conference in Norway."

Army Mobilized

The British government is believed to be assembling several regiments of army regulars for a gargantuan tree-planting exercise in an as yet undisclosed location in Britain. Meanwhile a second army is on standby with chainsaws ... just in case ...

Comments

Major (Queen's Own; ret) W.Y.S.I.W.Y.G St-John Blackguard-Smyth IV, bart of Surrey.

Dammit, HRH wants to forge his own legacy in case he snuffs it early and leaves the throne to that young whipper-snapper of a son of his. Harrumph! B-S in Surrey.

Carl Marks (unemployed, Clapham)

Typical! The ruling classes think they own the whole flaming world. It's the workers who will suffer the most, you Marx my words! C.M. in south London.

T. Blair (P.M. ret)

Of course it was all my idea. I discussed it fully with Her Majesty while I was in Downing Street. Her Majesty suggested we give the project to Charles because, if it all went horribly wrong, she didn't want the sane members of the Royal Family to bear any blame. T.B. in Brussels.

Snow's Stopped - Take Your Socks Off!

Dispatch from Blighty's Blog correspondent C. Lee-Sossedge in our New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-upon-Tyne) bureau:

We are having a spot of winter here in the United Queendom again this year. And, damn it, the Great British snow plough was sent up to Scotland just before Christmas and now it's in for its annual service. Won't be able to get it back down the motorway again until the end of April. Blast!

Still, never mind, the boffins have come up with a splendid idea to help motorists cope with that bloody awful white stuff. It's a new invention called "Snow Socks". Brilliantly simple really. Just pop the socks over the jolly old car tyres and Bob's your uncle - no more piggy-stuck-in-the-ditchy for you.

Here's how to do it: wrap the socks over the top of the tyres on both wheels on the drive axle, then pop back into the car and drive it forward a couple of feet then simply slip the bottoms of the socky-wockies over the rest of the tyre and bingo, you're off to the races! It's a snap, you'll have it down pat as quick as you can say "watch out uncle Willie, there's a lorry coming!"

Now, don't forget, when you get back on to a dry road you'll have to pull over and slip the socks off again. You don't want to be caught driving on a dry road with your socks on because they'll turn into shreddies very quickly if you do!

Happy motoring Britons!

** Weatherflash **
The Met Office has issued a warning to motorists throughout the British Isles. Temperatures are expected to drop to near freezing tonight as a cold front moves in from the Irish Sea. Motorists are advised to stay at home unless travel is essential. If you have to venture out onto the roads, police are advising motorists to wear a  double layer of socks ... on their tyres.

British Leader David Beckham Goes for Goal

British leader David Beckham met with FIFA president Sepp Blatter in Zurich this week to discuss England's bid to host soccer's World Cup in 2018.

Beckham brought along two ball boys to help convince the supreme ruler of international soccer that, despite efforts by the BBC to sabotage England's bid, the Queendom has what it takes to be a good host. Beckham's assistants, Mr David Cameron - a resident of London - and Mr David Dein - head ball boy of the England 2018 bid sat quietly in the background while Beckham battled Blatter.

Earlier in the week BBC Television's Panorama program had pointed its blundering blunderbuss at FIFA officials, accusing three of them of accepting bribes.

Blighty's Blog soccer correspondent Penn Altekik, reporting from our European bureau in New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-upon-Tyne) has seen an as-yet unpublished secret Wikileaks document from Drowning Street instructing the BBC to offer bribes to FIFA officials.

The red-faced public broadcasting mandarins in Bush House apparently misinterpreted the message and "screwed everything up" reports Altekik.

Never Again Says England Boss

"We'll never bid again" says Andy Anson, captain of England's failed bid to host FIFA's World Cup competition in 2018.

"There is no point in England bidding again until FIFA changes its voting system" he went on to say. Investigative reporters for Blighty's Blog revealed that FIFA's price is just too high.

"We don't mind stuffing a few fivers in somebody's back pocket" said a spokesman who wished to remain anonymous "but these guys in Zurich are just asking too much. Britain is still in a recession you know".

Blighty's Blog tried asking further questions but the door with the number "10" on it abruptly closed in our reporter's face. However, another unpublished Wikileaks report that fell into our hands this week reveals that FIFA votes will soon be trading on exchanges in London, New York and Tokyo.

Rebekah Brooks Out for a Duck

News Corp CEO in Deep Trouble

Once again Blighty's Blog is on the cutting edge of breaking news from the United Queendom. Our crack team of New York (just off the A19 near Newcastle-on-Tyne) based journalists were at the forefront of the action when disgraced News Corp CEO Rebekah Brooks fell into the hands of an angry London mob today.

Two of our correspondents were on the scene when Rebekah Brooks was taken by the mob and ducked into the Thames. Our exclusive pictures tell the story. Correspondent Ben Bigg in Westminster working with his counterpart on the south bank, Surree M. Bankment, shot these pictures as the action unfolded. "She just couldn't hack it" reported a Blighty's Blog editorial staffer who was a member of the Ducking Committee.

Rupert Murdoch to Visit USA
News is also pouring into Blighty's Blog's global HQ about an impending trip by News Corp head honcho, Rupert Murdoch to the Excited States of America. Interviewed by phone on Saturday, spokesman Billy-Bob Swamprat - a uniformed US government employee - revealed that Rupert Murdoch has been invited to come for a fun-filled fortnight at an exclusive US government resort in Cuba.

All Expenses Paid Vacation

Murdoch will enjoy two full weeks of all-expenses paid fun featuring waterboarding and other sports as well as singing lessons. Mr Swamprat told Blighty's Blog that, by the end of the vacation, Rupert Murdoch will be "singing like a canary".

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson - Emperor of London

He has been called "the thinking man's idiot". Born in New York City (the one in America - not the one near Newcastle) he is a direct descendant of the last Grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire, Prince Paul of Württemberg, King George II and King James I. He claims Muslim, Jewish and Christian heritage.

He could easily earn a good living as a stand-up comedian but he currently works in London - as Lord Mayor. Of all the incumbents of Mansion House (official residence of the Lord Mayor of London), Boris Johnson is ... definitely one of them.

Johnson was educated at Eton and Balliol College Oxford and, not surprisingly, is a stalwart of the British Conservative party. Actually he is 8th cousin to current British Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron.

He is a journalist and author of several books including: Friends, Voters, Countrymen: Jottings on the Stump; Lend Me Your Ears; Have I Got Views For You; Have I Got Views For You and Seventy-Two Virgins.

Boris Johnson likes to clown around and is one of the most quoted politicians (albeit in the fumbling manner of America's Dan Quayle) on the 'net. One never knows whether some of his quotes were made tongue in cheek, but here is a sampling:

• It is said that the Queen has come to love the Commonwealth, partly because it supplies her with regular cheering crowds of flag-waving picaninnies
• The problem is not that we were once in charge, but that we are not in charge any more... 
• What transaction happened here? Have I just bought your house?
• Look the point is ... er, what is the point? It is a tough job but somebody has got to do it.
• My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.
• I can't remember what my line on drugs is. What's my line on drugs?
• I could not fail to disagree with you less.
• There may be a reason I can't think of but the problem with that reason is that I can't think of it now.
• Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.

A Pony Per Day - Now Cough Up!

I really trust the big banks. No really, I do. They make it perfectly clear they are going to hang me upside down and shake every loose cent out of my pockets. And they can be 100% trusted to do just that. Yes, "banking can be this comfortable". Especially if you work on the top floor of a 68-storey downtown tower and spend your days drooling over your multimillion dollar bonus.

But, hey, Canadian banks are benevolent sweethearts compared to the United Queendom's voracious banking system. One of the big Britbanks advertises "our managers are always here to help you". I experienced their brand of helpfulness during a recent trip to the Queendom.

I had taken the precaution of buying some British money before leaving Canada but most of it was in large bills. No problem, I thought. I strolled into a branch of the friendly Yorkshire Bank and asked them if they would be so kind as to exchange my £100 notes for something smaller.

The teller looked at me from behind the bulletproof glass screen with an air of deep suspicion. "Do you bank with us?" she inquired. "No" I replied. I could sense her hand moving towards the secret panic button that would silently summon a squad of anti-terror police armed to the teeth with automatic weapons.

"Why don't you go to your own bank? she asked. "It's in Toronto" I said; "I am visiting from Canada and I need some smaller bills that I can spend in the shops". A manager was summoned. "I am sorry" came the authoritative voice from the safety of her shelter behind the gunfire wall; "if you don't bank with us we can't help you." I imagined that she probably silently added something to the effect of "now bugger off back to Canada you dangerous and ugly little foreigner".

That same nasty little yorkshire bank, by the way, gouges its customers with huge fees in a reverse Robin Hood sort of way. They have a policy of setting an "agreed overdraft limit". If you fall on hard times and exceed your agreed limit they levy a fee of a pony (twenty five pounds) per day (yes... PER DAY!). Loan sharking in the United Queendom is perfectly legal it seems and Britain's chartered banks are the Great Whites of the high street

There is a saying in Yorkshire: "where there's muck there's money". At the Yorkshire Bank that should be reversed to "where there's money there's muck". The bank's motto is "always thinking". Yorkshire Bank customers' motto is "always sinking".

On the same theme, Blighty's Blog's London city desk editor Ben Bigge filed a timely story this week concerning another big British bank. Barclay's president Bob Diamond (a native of the Excited States who runs the Britbank from his office in New York City) received a total remuneration package worth £66 million last year. Jolly good show, old chap.