"Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited" - John Cleese

Author John Corby also writes as "Bulldogge" for the British Canadian newspaper.

A Farthingsworth of Tall Tales from Blighty's Fameless Blog
Newsflash from New York (no, not that one!) |  Are the British better drivers? |  The Story of the Telephone Kiosk |  Drinking Nelson's Blood |  Screaming Jelly Babies |  Flying to the UK is very dangerous! |  Brits to drive on the right |  Who hung the monkey? |  Upper class virgins |  Double, double trouble |  What a Lovely Morning for a War

Friday, August 14, 2009

6 Brits to Throw a Shoe at: #6 Jeremy Clarkson

The world has become familiar with the symbolism of throwing a shoe at somebody ever since the well-publicized incident in which a disgruntled middle-eastern gentleman hurled a shoe at former US President George W. Bush. When Blighty's Blog throws a shoe at somebody it means we feel the same way. Want to throw a shoe at some famous Brit? Tell us who.

How do you throw a shoe at a man who has personally driven a high speed transport truck into a brick wall - deliberately?

A shoe? Come on, this guy is nearly invincible. He drove a car painted with provocative slogans through a redneck district in the Excited States and survived the pursuit of a mad-as-hell posse in the back of the pickup truck that ran him outa town.

In another controversial episode he drove a truck across the perilous ice of the frozen Arctic Ocean from Resolute Bay to the Magnetic North Pole in Canada.



And we want to throw a shoe at him? It had better be a bloody big shoe. Who is this guy? And why the shoe? He is an Englishman called Jeremy Clarkson, anchor host of the extremely popular BBC TV show "Top Gear". So what did he do to deserve the shoe?

Poor PM
Few will be concerned at Jeremy's disdain for British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. His comments about the prime minister have been off-colour and ill-advised. But Gordon Brown is an unpopular prime minister and the terrible impact of the recession has bitten deeper in the United Queendom than it has here in Canada.

One Million Pounds
Nonetheless, million pound a year host Jeremy Clarkson has not been unaffected by cutbacks in public expenditure. Fewer and fewer supercars are showing up on Mr Clarkson's driveway these days. Times are tough. Tough times breed tough outbursts from those feeling the pinch the most.

High Body Count
And then there is the issue of British drivers having lead feet. Traffic seems to move at an incredible pace (except on roads leading to the coast on a rare sunny day). Every Brit drives as though the devil were on his tail. I'll give them their due; they manage to negotiate those narrow roads at high speed without leaving a high body count in their wake. I lay the blame for the great haste squarely on the lofty shoulders of Clarkson.

Canadian Military

Mr Clarkson is usually seen driving "supercars" around a race track in southern England that was built in WWII by the Canadian military. It would be a massive understatement to suggest that he is a keen advocate of speed. But then, he is above all a showman. And Top Gear is entertainment.

You have a lot to answer for Clarkson. Here is one of your favourite soft suede shoes headed your way. Are you ready? Duck now please.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

6 Brits to Throw a Shoe at: #5 Simon Cowell

The world has become familiar with the symbolism of throwing a shoe at somebody ever since the well-publicized incident in which a disgruntled middle-eastern gentleman hurled a shoe at former US President George W. Bush. When Blighty's Blog throws a shoe at somebody it means we feel the same way. Want to throw a shoe at some famous Brit? Tell us who.

Blighty's Blog would like to tell you the tale of a rude, sneering, spoiled brat who was expelled from a series of exclusive private schools for which his well-heeled parents paid the fees.

We could tell you how the spoiled brat grew up surrounded by pampering nannies, thinking he had a better pot to pee in than the rest of the world.

We would like to tell how the world bought into his self-image and made him a multi-millionaire.


Mail Room Clerk

But instead today's blog post is going to discuss entertainment guru Simon Cowell. Mr Cowell was born in Brighton, England in 1959. He has achieved a lot of his fame by being simply obnoxious. His father was influential in the music business and got his erring son a job as a lowly mailroom clerk with a record company. The mischievous boy made good at the job and quickly rose through the ranks. Bursting out into an unsuspecting world on his own, he went on to become a music producer and record label owner.

TransAtlantic Idol
Cowell's breakthrough came when he was appointed as a judge on the British TV show "Pop Idol" and subsequently on the American spin-off "American Idol". His lack of sensitivity for aspiring young talent trying hard for a breakthrough in show business was amply demonstrated in his scathing sarcasm and dismissive attitude toward acts he didn't like. His biting comments and unpleasant demeanour became his springboard for success.

Stand Aside for Simon
He has since appeared as a judge in other talent shows such as "Britain's Got Talent" alongside fellow "throw a shoe at" candidate Ant Andec. In that show another judge was well known personality Piers Morgan, former editor of the British tabloid newspaper "News of the World". While filming for the show in Manchester, England, Mr Morgan was waiting in his hotel lobby one morning. He was told to stand aside by the paparazzi so they could take pictures of Simon Cowell.

Walk On
On the road to success, Simon Cowell walks on the fallen hopefuls he has put down, abused and insulted. We would like to collect the shoes of all those poor souls and launch them at him from a catapult. But, we have a strict policy that even the lowest scumbag receives only one shoe. Simon Cowell is a haughty and exalted candidate for our shoe so we will only throw one shoe at him too - but it will be a very expensive, hand-made shoe I am sure.

Monday, August 10, 2009

6 Brits to Throw a Shoe at: #4 Jonathan Ross

The world has become familiar with the symbolism of throwing a shoe at somebody ever since the well-publicized incident in which a disgruntled middle-eastern gentleman hurled a shoe at former US President George W. Bush. When Blighty's Blog throws a shoe at somebody it means we feel the same way. Want to throw a shoe at some famous Brit? Tell us who.

Some people achieve success in spite of their unpleasant personality, unacceptable, anti-social behaviour and their offensiveness. Why is it that a person can behave in this manner and still be paid £10,000 per TV show - out of public funds - for doing it?

£10,000
Many people take a year to make £10,000. Some of them work in shoe stores. Blighty's Blog would like to take all the shoes these people sell while earning their £10,000 and throw them at some of our "throw a shoe at" candidates. We would like to, but we have a strict policy of only one shoe per scumbag.

Expletives Undeleted
But now let us discuss popular BBC entertainer Jonathan Ross. Mr Ross has made a career out of public vulgarity, crude references to female personalities and on-air expletives. He was recently suspended by the BBC for one particularly inappropriate and offensive episode. He has since been re-instated and even appears on Canadian TV screens now.

Crude, Rude & Crass
Mr Ross's targets have included Conservative party leader David Cameron with whom he made a crude reference to former Conservative Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. Mr Ross has made equally distasteful remarks to actress Gwyneth Paltrow and suggested that former wife of Paul McCartney, Heather Mills, who has only one leg, was lying and really had two.

Rhotacism
Jonathan Ross has a conspicuous speech impediment called Rhotacism that leaves him incapable of pronouncing the letter "r". Perhaps that is why he finds words beginning with the letter "f" more appealing. And, unlike Ozzy Osbourne who was recently "shoed" on this blog, Mr Ross is not known to be a victim of substance abuse that might be causing behavioural alterations. Mr Ross is in full command of his faculties when he behaves as he does.

We are going to wait until he isn't looking and throw a shoe from behind his back. Perhaps a knock on the head would be therapeutic.

Friday, August 07, 2009

6 Brits to Throw a Shoe at: #3 Ant Andec

The world has become familiar with the symbolism of throwing a shoe at somebody ever since the well-publicized incident in which a disgruntled middle-eastern gentleman hurled a shoe at former US President George W. Bush. When Blighty's Blog throws a shoe at somebody it means we feel the same way. Want to throw a shoe at some famous Brit? Tell us who.

There is an old saying: "lie down and you'll be trodden on; stand up and you'll be shot at". I don't remember who said it first and, frankly, I can't be bothered to look it up. It is really not important anyway (unless you own the copyright). The point is, if you present yourself as a target, somebody is going to shoot at you. Well actually, to be precise, Blighty's Blog is going to throw a shoe at you. And what better way to present yourself as a target than to appear on television. So, no surprises then when we reveal that all six of our "throw a shoe at" targets have been on TV.

Batter with Bata
Of course, not everybody who appears on TV deserves the shoe. I was interviewed on live TV in Toronto once and nobody threw a shoe at me. Ant Andec, on the other hand deserves the entire contents of the Bata Museum to be thrown at him.

Who's Who?
Ant Andec is another of those inseparable duos like Colin Andjustin (who are still licking their wounds from Blighty's Blog shoe impacts). Ant Andec, let me stress, are not a couple; they are a performance duo. Ant Andec is comprised of two persons: Anthony McPartlin and Declan Donnelly who use the real stage name "Ant & Dec". Even though they look strikingly dissimilar, nobody knows, nor cares, which is which; they are simply Ant Andec.

Say What?
Ant Andec is a ubiquitous act on British television (that means they seem to appear bloody everywhere). They have even transported their Geordie accents to the Excited States where heavens knows how Americans are going to understand them.

Dark Side
They appear to be a nice, clean cut young man but they have a dark side. Ant Andec was involved in a scandal on British TV in which viewers were asked to vote for performers appearing on their show. British regulators discovered that the voting was rigged. Performers had been selected based on their appearance and suitability for being on TV. Some votes were wasted because the result had already been decided. Ant Andec was found to be personally involved in the incident. Nice young man image - tarnished!

Piff!
Ant Andec blamed the voting irregularities on poor quality phone lines. Piff! Now they are reportedly being sued by a Greek gentleman called Anthony Kalloniatis for trademark infringement and fraud. The indignant Greek is seeking thirty million dollars to heal his wounded pride. Blighty's Blog is going to hand him the shoe we had in store for Ant Andec. Go for it Anthony - let 'em have it.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

6 Brits to Throw a Shoe at: #2 Colin Andjustin

The world has become familiar with the symbolism of throwing a shoe at somebody ever since the well-publicized incident in which a disgruntled middle-eastern gentleman hurled a shoe at former US President George W. Bush. When Blighty's Blog throws a shoe at somebody it means we feel the same way. Want to throw a shoe at some famous Brit? Tell us who.

I remember watching a brilliant TV series from the UK called "The Million Pound Property Experiment". In a six part series the hosts, a Scottish couple called Colin McAllister and Justin Ryan, traded a series of homes in the UK. The objective was to buy what we in Canada call "fixer-uppers", improve them and resell for a profit. Each successive purchase was a step up the property ladder from the previous one. The end goal was to sell the final property for at least a million pounds.

Success!
They succeeded. I was glued to that show for weeks and watched the reruns and spinoffs too. I felt a strong attraction to the idea because I too have been a property speculator and I once owned a home that weighed over a million pounds.

Inseparable
I overlooked the bizarre antics of the couple (I use the word "couple" quite deliberately and without prejudice). Although Mr McAllister's behaviour is marginally normal, his partner Mr Ryan is a disturbing extrovert. But one thing, above all else, struck me about the couple - they are inseparable. Inseparable in real life and inseparable as an entertainment item. Blighty's Blog is not going to waste two good shoes on this pair. Instead we have labelled them as one: Colin Andjustin.

Designer?
Okay, the million pound property thing was good; very good actually. But Colin Andjustin is not a property speculator, they are a designer (alright, I know, the grammar is beginning to sound a little weird now, but bear with me, you'll get used to it). Or should I say that Colin Andjustin hold themselves out to be a designer? Are they really a designer or are they just a TV presenter?

Heist
They have a new Canadian TV series called "Home Heist". In 2007 they moved to Canada to make this series. They bought a loft apartment in Toronto, but to the best of my knowledge, they haven't flipped it for a bigger pad yet. Who knows they may end up with a mansion in Rosedale.

Oh My God!
In the series Home Heist they take over some poor gullible Canadian family's home and impose their bizarre design ideas on it. At the end of the show the unfortunate and horrified homeowners are required to pretend to be pleased with their bright orange kitchens. The script instructs them to look pleased, clasp their hands to their cheeks and repeatedly exclaim "oh my God!" before they rush off to their lawyers to file suit for compensation.

Friendly Fire
Colin Andjustin's wilder ideas have included replacing a real fireplace with a built-in flat screen TV displaying a DVD movie of a lovely log fire. I wonder if they have spent a whole winter (all nine months of it) in Canada yet?

Aarrgghhhh! Where's the Milk?
They also have some disdain for Canadian appliances. Perhaps our appliances are so different to Scottish ones that they feel the need to disguise them. Several of their kitchen redesigns have included disguising fridges and dishwashers as kitchen cabinets. Imagine the frustration of coming downstairs in the middle of the night looking for a glass of milk and being unable to find the fridge.

Colin Andjustin - stand up you two-headed weird thing while we throw a shoe at you.

Monday, August 03, 2009

6 Brits to Throw a Shoe at: #1 Ozzy Osbourne

The world has become familiar with the symbolism of throwing a shoe at somebody ever since the well-publicized incident in which a disgruntled middle-eastern gentleman hurled a shoe at former US President George W. Bush. When Blighty's Blog throws a shoe at somebody it means we feel the same way. Want to throw a shoe at some famous Brit? Tell us who.

John Michael Osbourne, better known as "Ozzy" is well known for many [bleep] things. He began his career in 1968 as a heavy rock star; he was lead singer in a [bleep] band called "Black Sabbath". He later went on to become the star of his own [bleep] television reality show in which most of the dialog would have to be [bleeped] out if shown before what British TV calls the "watershed".

Slaughter
He cultivated an image of a [bleep] disturbed, satanic-like figure by behaving in a [bleep] disturbed, satanic-like fashion. Ozzy left school at the age of 15 and took a number of unskilled jobs in his native Birmingham. One of those jobs may have helped to to forge his strange [bleep] behaviour - he worked for a while in a slaughterhouse.

Killing
Throughout his career Osbourne has abused [bleep] alcohol and drugs. There can be little doubt that this has affected his [bleep] behaviour. In one infamous incident he released some doves onstage to attract attention. Dissatisfied with the result, he took hold of one of the live doves, bit its head off and spat the head into the crowd. That stunt has bought him notoriety and a lot of parody.

Rabies
A similar repeat stunt with a [bleep] bat didn't go so well. Osbourne picked up what he perceived to be a rubber bat that a fan had thrown onto the stage. He bit the head off the bat only to discover that it was [bleep] real. The bat was [bleep] alive and reportedly bit Osbourne before he bit its [bleep] head off. It is unclear whether it was Osbourne or the bat that was later treated for a possible rabies infection. During another one of his drug related episodes he took a shotgun and killed all [bleep] seventeen of his family's cats.

£100M
Notwithstanding his bizarre and disturbing behaviour, Osbourne has a very large fan base and is credited with creating some of the finest music within its genre. He and his second wife Sharon are among the richest people in Britain. They live in a mansion in Buckinghamshire, England; have a second home in Los Angeles and are reported to have amassed a fortune of £100 million.

Prayer
Despite his reputation for satanic activity, one source reports that Osbourne is a member of the Church of England and prays before each concert. Whether this is true or not, it seems unlikely. Ozzy Osbourne may have given the world a lot of entertainment but his lifestyle hardly seems to merit his success. John Michael Osbourne ... duck, here comes a [bleep] shoe.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The 100 Most Popular Britons of All Time

To wrap up our "6 Britons to Throw a Gong at" series, here is a list of what the British people considered to be the most popular Britons of all time. The list comes from Wikipedia but its original source was the BBC.

The poll, it should be stressed, was very unscientific with few rules, so the results should be read with tongue firmly in cheek. In fact some of the names listed also appear in the "100 Worst Britons poll".
  1. Winston Churchill, (1874-1965), Prime Minister (1940-1945, 1951–1955)
  2. Isambard Kingdom Brunel, (1806–1859), engineer, creator of Great Western Railway and other significant works
  3. Diana, Princess of Wales (1961–1997), first wife of HRH Charles, Prince of Wales (1981–1996) and mother of Princes William and Harry of Wales
  4. Charles Darwin (1809–1882), naturalist, originator of the theory of evolution through natural selection and author of On the Origin of Species, regarded by many as one of the greatest figures in the history of science
  5. William Shakespeare (1564–1616), English poet and playwright, thought of by many as the greatest of all writers in the English language
  6. Sir Isaac Newton (1643–1727), physicist, mathematician, astronomer, natural philosopher, and alchemist, regarded by many as one of the greatest figures in the history of science
  7. Queen Elizabeth I of England (1533–1603), monarch, (reigned 1558–1603)
  8. John Lennon (1940–1980), musician with The Beatles, philanthropist, peace activist, artist
  9. Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson (1758–1805), naval commander
  10. Oliver Cromwell (1599–1658), Lord Protector
  11. Sir Ernest Shackleton (1874–1922), polar explorer
  12. Captain James Cook (1728–1779), explorer
  13. Robert Baden-Powell, 1st Baron Baden-Powell (1857–1941), founder of Boy Scouts and Girl Guides
  14. Alfred the Great (849?–899), King of Wessex, (reigned 871–899)
  15. Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington (1769–1852), military commander, statesman and Prime Minister 1828–1830 and 1834
  16. Margaret Thatcher, Baroness Thatcher (*3) (born 1925), Prime Minister (1979–1990)
  17. Michael Crawford (born 1942), actor and singer
  18. Queen Victoria (1819–1901), monarch (reigned 1837–1901)
  19. Sir Paul McCartney (born 1942), musician with The Beatles, philanthropist, activist
  20. Sir Alexander Fleming (1881–1955), biologist and pharmacologist, discoverer of penicillin
  21. Alan Turing (1912–1954), pioneer of computing
  22. Michael Faraday (1791–1867), scientist
  23. Owain Glyndŵr (1359–1416), Prince of Wales
  24. HM Queen Elizabeth II (*10) (born 1926), reigning monarch (1952–present)
  25. Professor Stephen Hawking (born 1942), theoretical physicist
  26. William Tyndale (1494–1536), English translator of the Bible
  27. Emmeline Pankhurst (1858–1928), suffragette
  28. William Wilberforce (1759–1833), humanitarian
  29. David Bowie (born 1947), musician
  30. Guy Fawkes (1570–1606), English revolutionary.
  31. Leonard Cheshire, Baron Cheshire (1917–1992), aviator and charity organiser
  32. Eric Morecambe (1926–1984), comedian
  33. David Beckham (*91) (born 1975), footballer
  34. Thomas Paine (1737–1809), political philosopher
  35. Boudica (died c.60), leader of Celtic resistance to the Roman Empire
  36. Sir Steve Redgrave (born 1962), Olympic rower
  37. Saint Thomas More (1478–1535), English saint, lawyer and politician
  38. William Blake (1757–1827), author/poet, painter and printer
  39. John Harrison (1693–1776), clock designer
  40. King Henry VIII of England (1491–1547), monarch (reigned 1509–1547)
  41. Charles Dickens (1812–1870), author
  42. Sir Frank Whittle (1907–1996), jet engine inventor
  43. John Peel (1939–2004), broadcaster
  44. John Logie Baird (1888–1946), television pioneer
  45. Aneurin Bevan (1897–1960), Labour politician who oversaw the formation of the National Health Service
  46. Boy George (born 1961), musician with Culture Club
  47. Sir Douglas Bader (1910–1982), aviator and charity campaigner
  48. Sir William Wallace (c.1270–1305), Guardian of Scotland
  49. Sir Francis Drake (c.1540–1596), English naval commander
  50. John Wesley (1703–1791), founder of Methodism
  51. King Arthur, legendary Celtic monarch
  52. Florence Nightingale (1820–1910), nurse and charity campaigner
  53. T. E. Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia) (1888–1935), Arabist and soldier
  54. Robert Falcon Scott (1868–1912), polar explorer
  55. Enoch Powell (1912–1998), politician
  56. Sir Cliff Richard (*29) (born 1940), musician
  57. Alexander Graham Bell (1847–1922), telephone pioneer, placed 9th in the Canadian version
  58. Freddie Mercury (1946–1991), musician with Queen
  59. Dame Julie Andrews (born 1935), actress and singer
  60. Sir Edward Elgar (1857–1934), composer
  61. Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother (1900–2002), Queen consort
  62. George Harrison (1943–2001), musician with The Beatles
  63. Sir David Attenborough (born 1926), broadcaster
  64. James Connolly (1868–1916), the Scottish born leader of the Irish 1916 rising
  65. George Stephenson (1781–1848), railway pioneer
  66. Sir Charlie Chaplin (1889–1977), comic actor and film director
  67. Tony Blair (*1) (born 1953), Prime Minister (1997–2007)
  68. William Caxton (c.1415~1422–c.1492), English printer
  69. Bobby Moore (1941–1993), footballer and Captain of England 1966 World Cup winning team
  70. Jane Austen (1775–1817), author
  71. William Booth (1829–1912), founder of Salvation Army
  72. King Henry V of England (1387–1422), monarch (reigned 1413–1422)
  73. Aleister Crowley (1875–1947), occultist, writer, and social provocateur; founder of Thelema
  74. Robert the Bruce (1274–1329), King of Scots
  75. Bob Geldof (born 1951), Irish musician, philanthropist
  76. The Unknown Warrior, soldier of the Great War
  77. Robbie Williams (*17) (born 1974), musician and former member of Take That
  78. Edward Jenner (1749–1823), pioneer of vaccination
  79. David Lloyd George, 1st Earl Lloyd George (1863–1945), Prime Minister (1916–1922)
  80. Charles Babbage (1791–1871), mathematician and pioneer of computing
  81. Geoffrey Chaucer (c.1343–1400), English author
  82. King Richard III of England (1452–1485), monarch (reigned 1483–1485)
  83. J.K. Rowling (born 1965), author
  84. James Watt (1736–1819), developer of the steam engine
  85. Sir Richard Branson (*86) (born 1950), businessman and adventurer
  86. Bono (born 1960), Irish musician - Singer for Rock Band U2, philanthropist
  87. John Lydon (Johnny Rotten) (born 1956), musician
  88. Bernard Law Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein (1887–1976), military commander
  89. Donald Campbell (1921–1967), water speed world record challenger
  90. King Henry II of England (1133–1189), monarch (reigned 1154–1189)
  91. James Clerk Maxwell (1831–1879), physicist
  92. J.R.R. Tolkien (1892–1973), author and philologist
  93. Sir Walter Raleigh (1552–1618), English explorer
  94. King Edward I of England (1239–1307), monarch (reigned 1272–1307)
  95. Sir Barnes Wallis (1887–1979), aviation technology pioneer
  96. Richard Burton (1925–1984), actor 1
  97. Tony Benn (born 1925), politician, formerly the 2nd Viscount Stangate
  98. David Livingstone (1813–1873), missionary and explorer
  99. Sir Tim Berners-Lee (born 1955), Internet pioneer and inventor of the World Wide Web
  100. Marie Stopes (1880–1958), promoter of birth control